gecko zzed
Grumpy Mod
Here are my thoughts on the contributions to the December Challenge:
Your home ~ Joseph Spain
"Your Home" is a poignant tale of a match never made: two kids, not knowing any better, make a pact. He holds true to that pact, while she gets on with life, forgetting all about it. Nevertheless he is prepared to wait. I have a fondness for lyrics that reflect acceptance rather than denial. The chorus has a bit each way: "I know someday you'll find the truth/I'm waiting here alone for you" has hint of denial, while " . . .I'll always be/the light beyond your darkest need/to guide you to your home" is more accepting . . . a bit like "whatever you do, I'll be here should you need me". That's kind of nice.
For me, the lyrical highlight is the first verse. I noted with interest your revisions to this verse as you wrestled with various combinations, and each time I was saying . . . "no, leave it as it was . . . it's fine!". Well, it so nearly was fine, and in the end I would have liked to have seen:
Yesterdays are faded gray
The mirrors never show
Within these walls are memories
of all that never was
Every year I celebrate your birthday all alone
Your pictures framed so long ago
Give life to my first home.
Everything there is stuff you've considered, but the particular combination of your assorted ideas above is the one I find most satisfying. I pondered long and hard about "your birthday all alone", hoping that I could suggest an alternative, but to no avail.
Verse 2 travels some dangerous territory. Without context it is almost cloyingly sweet, and I would have been very disparaging of it. However, as it sits in the song, and as I picture the young kids who would have made this promise, it fits really well. I note in your introduction you said "young man". I'm not sure what age you had in mind, but in my mind I'm picturing maybe 13 to 15 years old, and this is the age where that language makes so much sense. I can vividly picture the video of the song at this point.
The chorus resonates strongly with me, for I recall making a similar observation to an old flame, so much so that whenever I look at the moon I am reminded of her.
The only line that really bugs me in the whole song is the last line of the bridge "I'm everything you own". I think it means something like "whatever I have is yours", but the phrasing is a bit awkward, and could easily mean the reverse.
As far as adhering to the challenge, the song uses the idea of an empty (and importantly, first) home to connect the song together. However, the song is not really about a home, and more about the pact. Not that I am one to cast stones, because my song was ostensibly about a car, but in reality it was also about a relationship that came asunder.
This is a fine, well-crafted set of lyrics. You've done well, and now I look forward to hearing it as a song!
My first car ~ Upfiddler
Other than the continent and the car, the experiences are the same as mine. Your lyrics tell the story of your first car, but the other story they tell is of a different type of existence. They recall a heady, carefree era, a golden age of freedom and fecklessness, when worries about terrorism, global warming, and economic collapse were not even dreamed about. Admittedly there was the Cold War, but that was overshadowed by the footsteps on the moon. Your lyrics bring that all back.
I imagine that this would turn out to be a rollicking, bouncy sort of song , one that you would play full tilt as you cruise down a remote highway in something a little more comfortable than a 59 Chevy.
There are some great images in here: "That four inch speaker was really getting shoved" . . . I can imagine that tormented paper cone just about ripping itself to shreds, and I hear the rattling, totally unmusical sound as a result. But my favourite line is: "Jerkin' through the stoplight/Like a three-legged cow". This is so beginnersville, so embarassing, and so true. My commensurate experience was kangaroo-hopping through an intersection in a vain and misguided attempt to impress the bystanders with my driving finesse.
This is a fun set of lyrics, and I enjoyed reading them.
Nifty 50 ~ Nightfire
This song makes a great companion for 'My first car', sharing that same sense of adolescent independence and excitement at achieving mobility. It seems, however, that 'Nifty 50' was much more of a derelict than the 59 Chevy of Upfiddler, or my Morris Minor. What I see reflected in these lyrics is the gulf that now seems to exist between youngsters of (roughly) my age and youngsters now: the former were much more satisfied with anything that could be made to move . . . even the 'crown of thorns' wearing wreck found beneath a 'willowing tree' . . . whereas the latter seem more reluctant to settle for anything that's not immediately complementary to their own self-image.
These lyrics show the difference in the eras. It was possible then to be your own mechanic, and get things going (even if "She'll do no more than 60"), whereas contemporary vehicles are much more difficult to work on with just a wrench and a screwdriver.
One thing slighty confused me. I note in v2 that the truck had a 'three on the tree' (same as Upfiddler), but in the chorus the truck has a 'four on the floor'. I put this down to the fact that you 'changed the transmission' in the second half of the second verse.
Like Upfiddler's, this is a rollicking set of lyrics, and commands a tune that will push along that sense of chaotic adventure inherent on them. Great stuff!
Heart and Home ~ Whatmysay
"We first kissed" to rhyme with "saxophonist"? Awesome! And this is followed up by another great couplet:
"The rooms were small the walls were thin
"And could not hold our dreams within"
The chorus then shows us the heart of the story; the hero as citadel. We see the house being a metaphor for the protagonist and partner's creation of a haven for each other through the strength of their feelings for each other. And this haven is a welcoming one in which others can take refuge (v3).
In the bridge we get this sense of welcome . . . whenever things go wrong, call and we will be there to suppport you.
The overall sense I get from these lyrics is tenderness, tolerance and self-confidence. The first verse is the strongest. The second verse is okay, but having two 'first's in the first line dilutes its strength. The third verse also has a couple of 'first's starting it off. Maybe this was intentional . . . but I've got 'first' on my mind now and it's making me dizzy.
I'm not sure what you had in mind for this musically, but I'm getting a sense of 3/4 from this, and I think it would be neat to create music that flows in sympathy with these lyrics (as opposed to, say, creating a contrast).
Our first house ~ FrankieRage
In contrast to Whatmysay's first house, this house is not so happy. In a concise, three-verse summary (though the last could even be a chorus) we are presented with a vivid set of images describing the outgoing tide of a relationship. I guess the subtle "although your smile is still the same/it's not for me . . ." tells us what happened, and since she has been gone, nothing is going right.
I enjoyed the pungent terseness of this set of lyrics, and I think the first two verse are strongly written. I was not so sure about the third verse, but the way I read it, it seems that there is a profound difference between the two (i.e. the 'North' and 'South'). Having checked the lyrics of 'Uptown Girl' I notice that this dwells on a similar kind of difference. The last couple: 'if you'd like to sing along/I can teach you all the words' sounded not as convincing to start with, but after having given it a bit of thought, it makes perfect sense and is probably the cleverest bit of the whole song. It's a "tell me all about it", or "been there, done that" kind of thing the way I read it.
For me, this is a well-constructed, powerful set of lyrics.
Your home ~ Joseph Spain
"Your Home" is a poignant tale of a match never made: two kids, not knowing any better, make a pact. He holds true to that pact, while she gets on with life, forgetting all about it. Nevertheless he is prepared to wait. I have a fondness for lyrics that reflect acceptance rather than denial. The chorus has a bit each way: "I know someday you'll find the truth/I'm waiting here alone for you" has hint of denial, while " . . .I'll always be/the light beyond your darkest need/to guide you to your home" is more accepting . . . a bit like "whatever you do, I'll be here should you need me". That's kind of nice.
For me, the lyrical highlight is the first verse. I noted with interest your revisions to this verse as you wrestled with various combinations, and each time I was saying . . . "no, leave it as it was . . . it's fine!". Well, it so nearly was fine, and in the end I would have liked to have seen:
Yesterdays are faded gray
The mirrors never show
Within these walls are memories
of all that never was
Every year I celebrate your birthday all alone
Your pictures framed so long ago
Give life to my first home.
Everything there is stuff you've considered, but the particular combination of your assorted ideas above is the one I find most satisfying. I pondered long and hard about "your birthday all alone", hoping that I could suggest an alternative, but to no avail.
Verse 2 travels some dangerous territory. Without context it is almost cloyingly sweet, and I would have been very disparaging of it. However, as it sits in the song, and as I picture the young kids who would have made this promise, it fits really well. I note in your introduction you said "young man". I'm not sure what age you had in mind, but in my mind I'm picturing maybe 13 to 15 years old, and this is the age where that language makes so much sense. I can vividly picture the video of the song at this point.
The chorus resonates strongly with me, for I recall making a similar observation to an old flame, so much so that whenever I look at the moon I am reminded of her.
The only line that really bugs me in the whole song is the last line of the bridge "I'm everything you own". I think it means something like "whatever I have is yours", but the phrasing is a bit awkward, and could easily mean the reverse.
As far as adhering to the challenge, the song uses the idea of an empty (and importantly, first) home to connect the song together. However, the song is not really about a home, and more about the pact. Not that I am one to cast stones, because my song was ostensibly about a car, but in reality it was also about a relationship that came asunder.
This is a fine, well-crafted set of lyrics. You've done well, and now I look forward to hearing it as a song!
My first car ~ Upfiddler
Other than the continent and the car, the experiences are the same as mine. Your lyrics tell the story of your first car, but the other story they tell is of a different type of existence. They recall a heady, carefree era, a golden age of freedom and fecklessness, when worries about terrorism, global warming, and economic collapse were not even dreamed about. Admittedly there was the Cold War, but that was overshadowed by the footsteps on the moon. Your lyrics bring that all back.
I imagine that this would turn out to be a rollicking, bouncy sort of song , one that you would play full tilt as you cruise down a remote highway in something a little more comfortable than a 59 Chevy.
There are some great images in here: "That four inch speaker was really getting shoved" . . . I can imagine that tormented paper cone just about ripping itself to shreds, and I hear the rattling, totally unmusical sound as a result. But my favourite line is: "Jerkin' through the stoplight/Like a three-legged cow". This is so beginnersville, so embarassing, and so true. My commensurate experience was kangaroo-hopping through an intersection in a vain and misguided attempt to impress the bystanders with my driving finesse.
This is a fun set of lyrics, and I enjoyed reading them.
Nifty 50 ~ Nightfire
This song makes a great companion for 'My first car', sharing that same sense of adolescent independence and excitement at achieving mobility. It seems, however, that 'Nifty 50' was much more of a derelict than the 59 Chevy of Upfiddler, or my Morris Minor. What I see reflected in these lyrics is the gulf that now seems to exist between youngsters of (roughly) my age and youngsters now: the former were much more satisfied with anything that could be made to move . . . even the 'crown of thorns' wearing wreck found beneath a 'willowing tree' . . . whereas the latter seem more reluctant to settle for anything that's not immediately complementary to their own self-image.
These lyrics show the difference in the eras. It was possible then to be your own mechanic, and get things going (even if "She'll do no more than 60"), whereas contemporary vehicles are much more difficult to work on with just a wrench and a screwdriver.
One thing slighty confused me. I note in v2 that the truck had a 'three on the tree' (same as Upfiddler), but in the chorus the truck has a 'four on the floor'. I put this down to the fact that you 'changed the transmission' in the second half of the second verse.
Like Upfiddler's, this is a rollicking set of lyrics, and commands a tune that will push along that sense of chaotic adventure inherent on them. Great stuff!
Heart and Home ~ Whatmysay
"We first kissed" to rhyme with "saxophonist"? Awesome! And this is followed up by another great couplet:
"The rooms were small the walls were thin
"And could not hold our dreams within"
The chorus then shows us the heart of the story; the hero as citadel. We see the house being a metaphor for the protagonist and partner's creation of a haven for each other through the strength of their feelings for each other. And this haven is a welcoming one in which others can take refuge (v3).
In the bridge we get this sense of welcome . . . whenever things go wrong, call and we will be there to suppport you.
The overall sense I get from these lyrics is tenderness, tolerance and self-confidence. The first verse is the strongest. The second verse is okay, but having two 'first's in the first line dilutes its strength. The third verse also has a couple of 'first's starting it off. Maybe this was intentional . . . but I've got 'first' on my mind now and it's making me dizzy.
I'm not sure what you had in mind for this musically, but I'm getting a sense of 3/4 from this, and I think it would be neat to create music that flows in sympathy with these lyrics (as opposed to, say, creating a contrast).
Our first house ~ FrankieRage
In contrast to Whatmysay's first house, this house is not so happy. In a concise, three-verse summary (though the last could even be a chorus) we are presented with a vivid set of images describing the outgoing tide of a relationship. I guess the subtle "although your smile is still the same/it's not for me . . ." tells us what happened, and since she has been gone, nothing is going right.
I enjoyed the pungent terseness of this set of lyrics, and I think the first two verse are strongly written. I was not so sure about the third verse, but the way I read it, it seems that there is a profound difference between the two (i.e. the 'North' and 'South'). Having checked the lyrics of 'Uptown Girl' I notice that this dwells on a similar kind of difference. The last couple: 'if you'd like to sing along/I can teach you all the words' sounded not as convincing to start with, but after having given it a bit of thought, it makes perfect sense and is probably the cleverest bit of the whole song. It's a "tell me all about it", or "been there, done that" kind of thing the way I read it.
For me, this is a well-constructed, powerful set of lyrics.
