December Challenge - Burt's reviews

[Whatmysay]

This old House
FrankieRage c.2009

This first verse is the strongest part of the song – structure, concise and evocative. The permanence of the pictures smile vs. the real women smiling for someone else is a get image.

I do not have a problem with this, as a verse it is very cinematic (documenting events as they happen), but it clashes with the layered symbolism of the first. Might serve well as a structure for a Bridge/Mid8

This first line a great hook, I want it to take the chorus else where. What about ‘broken’ house, instead of old – then you could reiterate the idea of everthing being broken that you re fore-shadowing in the verses.

The ‘north/south’ rhyme seems contrived and again not in the flow of the first verse. There is this sudden jump to ‘Up Town Girl’ that is disconnected from the ‘broken heart’s idea.

Vs2 and the Ch seem like a montage of ideas s opposed to Vs 1 that seems part of a different song. I do not mind literal or montage, but it is demanding in the one song.

Never the less great images, if crafted into the consistency of Vs 1 will be excellent.

HTH

Burt

My First Car
up-fiddler c.2009

This is a great memorabilia rockin’ song. Lyrics are direct and fun. For someone of that era and with a passion for cars it will perhaps resonate immediately. But I think it could have broader appeal.

I think you start with the final verse, and consider more emotive lyrics about your feelings for the car. The lyrics are very descriptive, but I’m not getting that you cared about this car. The feelings, the joy of girls being attracted, the thrill of the race, the freedom (or at least the illusion of freedom) that it provided.

The car is the vehicle (pun intended) to the feeling of and about the time. Other wise you run the risk of it being more like documentary song.

I love the irony of the Ch, I also think that the 4th verse is a Bridge/Mid8 that could be shaded with more explicit irony/maturity of vision, from an ’09 oil price perspective

 

[Frankie Rage]

Thanks for the feedback!

There's food for thought in what you say. I am certainly finding it hard to make this song flow - I would almost say that I've been wrestling with it - hence the contrived and perhaps disjointed feeling that you're picking up on.

Will ponder your words further!

Thanks, again.

Frankie x

 

[Whatmysay]

Your Home
Words and music by Joseph Spain

The first Vs is really engaging; it is like an establishment shot in a movie. I see a camera panning through this lonely house full of her pictures and ending on a shot of someone all alone in a pointy birthday hat and blowing a party favor!

The optimism of the first line of the Ch is contrasting with the first Vs and suggests a move to a major chord for the Ch???. I think the 1st stanza says it all, I find the ‘sharing the moon’ and the ‘light guiding you home’ not as original as the first 4 lines. I just love ‘everything I'll ever do will bring you safely home’, as opposed to ‘I’d do everything to bring you home safely home’, it just has a greater resonance.

Efficient juxtaposition ‘live/die’ in first 2 lines and lovely development of the ‘hands/reach’ metaphor.

I think the last 2 lines here are your best, the idea of property and the field bearing her name is highly specific (it sounds like you are singing about your life – you may well be) yet you have shaped it into something universal.

Can not wait to hear how the music evolves

Burt

 

[Whatmysay]

Last Reviews

Somewhere
Gecko zzed c.2009

I just love this opening montage it beautifully evokes the car and all the associated emotions. I see the car headlights as tiered old eyes.

The 2nd verse is a jump into a more direct narrative and while effective and engaging it is in a different style to the opening vs.

Ch
I love ‘On the outskirts of importance’, but feel the other play on words ‘sparks(plugs) and lights (dim)’ a little labored.

Vs 3 is a reiteration of the first vs. and while skillfully executed I think it is a little redundant as I have shifted into the ‘remembering’ – it current state seems less relevant, particularly as you ae constantly addressing the failure of the relationship in the CH. These are such vivid images of the animals making use of it that perhaps it could be shaped into a bridge?

Vs 4 should be Vs3, This is where I want to go after the Ch to ‘where the boundaries disappear’

This is beautifully crafted writing economical yet vivd.

Nifty 50
Nightfire c.2009

This is a great coming of age song and I get e real rock vibe from it.

I do not get Line 3 & 4 of Vs 1. I think you could continue more ontage of images like Gecko above – set the time – haircuts, cars

‘Crown of thorns’ is great writing – religious imagery in a song about a car is class! Also flowing ‘beauty queen’ – I’m almost getting 50s catholic bedroom with pin-up and holy pictures altogether.
VERSE

Ch definitely country/rock then not many emos sing about their trucks!

The female personification works a treat again almost suggesting the mentality of the boy in the story. The humor of line 3 & 4 works really well while building the picture

I assume the next is a bridge all works well, but I would put transmission mid sentence (foreground upcoming rhyme) and find another less labored rhyme for mission. What is the Quote?

Cant wait to hear both these tracks

Cheers Burt