Critique request "Coming Back"

[Skysaw]

Hi all,

Newbie to the forums, but have been writing for about 25 years. I don't normally care too much about presenting my lyrics because they are almost always a bit dense, and a little hard to decipher for those looking for a "story." This one is a little more direct however, and I thought I'd get your opinions. The mp3 is at

... it may pull the whole thing together a bit for you.

--

COMING BACK

Here's what we thought you ought to say
you're giving golden coins away
that's all you needed from this place
(till you're coming back again)
we're still remembering your face
(till you're coming back again)

here's what we think you ought to know
the sun is swimming on the snow
that's what you wanted us to see
(are you coming back again?)
we have no other way to be
(are you coming back again?)

 

[jjtcorsair]

Lyrically I'm left a little out in the cold. I think you could do a lot more with the theme. I'm not sure what it's about and maybe if you expanded on your train of thought it would blossom. Right now it doesn't seem quite done. I'm taking in consideration what you said about people not really getting your style. That said, the lyrics that you have are nice, ie... "giving golden coins away", "the sun is swimming on the snow"

I like the groove and chord progression a lot, this has a lot of potential. I'm digging the changes.

The recording is very good. Nice playing and arrangement. In fact, you should post it in the MP3 MIXING forurm. Everyone there comments on the recording and mix as well as the song itself. As far as the recording goes, I would suggest remixing the lead vocal to be more up front with less verb.

Keep it up.

Jon