Critique please

[joro]

Well,
I have been pretty opinionated lately so......
I thought I would throw a new one up and let you fine folks tear it apart for me...
All comments are welcome,
Thanks,
Joe


Right or Wrong
©2002
Verse 1
Right or wrong
We left our homes in Eighteen Sixty-One
Followed the flags to the Battle of Bull Run
Right or Wrong
Yankee, rebel, the blue and the gray
Men against his brother, marched into harm’s way

Chorus
Right or wrong…right or wrong
Lord tell me what’s right or wrong

Verse 2
Right or wrong
I wondered as I looked in their eyes
Pulled on the trigger and watched two men die
Right or wrong
Men were falling under the sun
Giving their life, to keep the Union strong

Chorus
Right or wrong…right or wrong
Lord tell me what’s right or wrong

Bridge
I’ll always remember to the end of my days
The look in their eyes….life’s final gaze

Chorus
Right or wrong…right or wrong
Lord tell me what’s right or wrong

Verse 3
Right or wrong
Smoke and dust hung low in the air
At the end of the day, as the bugle horn blared
Right or wrong
The gray had won, the battle was their’s
Eight Hundred lay dead on the field of despair

Chorus (x2)
Right or wrong…right or wrong
Lord tell me what’s right or wrong

 

[cjmusicman]

Joro, I like your lyrics. You asked for some feedback so right or wrong here goes:

Suggestion:

Men against his (their) brother(s), marched into harm's way
*
End of v.2
Men were falling under the sun
*The Union's peril had just begun OR
*The toil & trouble had just begun

Bridge:
The look in the eyes - - Oh death's blank gaze, OR

 

[cjmusicman]

And
Bridge: or
The Look in their eyes -- that mortified gaze

If you use Giving their life (should be lives (their plural) to keep...

Great stuff though, I like the story. Great job. Keep writing.

Feel free to use any of my suggestions as my gift to you. I'm just glad to help. Maybe we can colaborate on a new song some time.

Peace,

cj

 

[joro]

And

Feel free to use any of my suggestions as my gift to you. I'm just glad to help. Maybe we can colaborate on a new song some time.

Peace,

cj

Thanks Cj....
I appreciate your taking the time and the corrections and suggestions are noted..
Thank You.

Yeah, I collaborate quite a bit on-line..
I'm game if you are...what's your genre of choice?
Take it easy,
Joe

 

[jimistone]

i like the lyrics. I am southern born and raised in mississippi. my great great granfathers graves (both sides of the family) have "Confederate States of America war veteran" on their headstones. I have always been a Cival War buff and i like songs about the Cival War....im gonna write one one of these days...maybe when i get thru with the blues project im currently working on.

 

[joro]

Thanks for the reply jimi...glad ya liked it...
The research was cool...I read up on quite a few battles before I picked Bull Run (the first battle of Bull Run anyways....ya know?)
This is gonna be finished being recorded soon and I will post it in the clinic...
Take it easy,
Joe

 

[Buck62]

Overall, the song is very good... nice concept.
The writing is excellent, but I would change one thing (and it's an important thing!).

You start your verses with "right or wrong" and then you start your choruses with the same exact line. I understand that it's the hook of the song, but it's overkill.

Question:
Did you ever know somebody that would make a statement and then immediately follow that statement with the question... "Right or wrong?"
Or, something similar like... "Am I right?"

Even though that obviously isn't your intent with the lyric, some stupid people may interpret it that way... and remember, stupid people buy CD's too!

Take the time to start those verses in a more clever manner.
That would make this "good" song a "great" song, IMHO.

 

[joro]

Thanks Buck for the read and the sage suggestion....
I do appreciate the advice...
Take it easy man,
Joe

 

[joro]

Hi All...

I am posting the link to the MP3 here because it has more to do with songwriting than recording....
My friend Willie McCulloch is the artist and plays and sings all tracks...We are hoping to add a fiddle sometime soon...
Let me know what you think...OK?
Right Or Wrong
Thanks ahead of time,
Joe