crit my song

[lesterpaul]

ok so heres th deal got this idea for a song but th lead singer says it doesn't ryhme ,or flow from ur mouth .



LET IT RIDE


janie was a hi roller baby

blackjack poker or dice

in a limousine she made th scene

everybody would stop an stare

she never played it safe always double down

her money was hard to hide

she never sweats th big money bets

all she wants to do is let it ride

then it goes to a chorus that i havent finished ,anyhoo th part he has a problem with is th part where it goes "evrybody would stop an stare " he says it dosen't ryhme with anything . i say everything doesn't have to ryhme what r ur thoughts an is it just a lead singer deal . i'm new to songwriting so be kind but ruff to if u can ....much thanks

 

[Henri Devill]

Replacein' the line in which you have the conflict with................"In the land of liquer and vice"... it works off the line you have before with "dice"..Theres your rhyme..With a line like this now you have a rhyme meter...Everything doesnt have to rhym. But it does gives the meter a certain feel..It really depends on what you are doin'....Rules are made to be broken!...Good luck


Don

 

[lesterpaul]

thanks

i preciate th reply ,we have some good stuff so far we almost had a smackdown over this though ,well thanks again ...i'lll let them know