comments on lyric?

[FuzzyStone]

Hiya,
Just started with some new lyrics (just a few lines).

Feel the pulse
And you might live
Learn the rules of happyness
By heart
Don't hold your breath
Suck up the airwaves
Get your frequency right
From the start
Let your muscles
Take control
And the motion makes
You sweat
Just a small piece of advice
You'd better take
Or you might aswell
Be dead

Any comments/suggestions??

FuzzyStone.

 

[stonepiano]

If you don't have music, I have a couple suggestions on how you might structure the lyrics you have.

chorus
Feel the pulse
And you might live
Learn the rules of happiness
By heart

verse 1
Don't hold your breath
Suck up the airwaves
Get your frequency right

verse 2
From the start
Let your muscles take control
And the motion makes you sweat

verse 3
Just a small piece of advice
You'd better take
Or you might as well be dead

just what I hear. I like the idea of learning the rules of happiness by heart. The double entendre tells me as the listener to learn the rules of happiness by memorizing them "by heart" as well as following my heart to learn the rules . It works well as the chorus. the only line I don't particularly like is the "might as well be dead" part. If you're not playing in any rhyme scheme, you have the freedom to use whatever wording you want. I'd think of a more creative consequence to not heeding the former line's advice.

Clever stuff, Fuzzy. What genre is it?

Stone

 

[FuzzyStone]

Thanks for the com(pli)ment Stonepiano,

I have a feeling this might work in a repetitive way (especially that bit you suggest to be the chorus). It doesn't really need more lines, do you think?
I think writing more lines just for the sake of writing more lines is not the way to go.
So, if I use these lines as they are, it'll probably work as a dancetrack I think. Maybe in a Faithless kinda style.

B.t.w. you're absolutely right about that final line (it was the easy way out).
I think I'll change that into: 'Cause I'm your friend

I'll keep ya posted,
FuzzyStone

 

[stonepiano]

dance music, huh?

I wouldn't have guessed. I also don't know Faithless. Double entendre's are usually wasted on that crowd but to each his own. Maybe they could use a spark of wit.

And please don't tell me that English is your second language. I'll be heartbroken. If I wrote a song in German, whoa...I don't even want to think about it.

Stone

 

[FuzzyStone]

English actually is my second language, for I am 100% Dutch.
So I'll take that as a compliment for wich I thank you very much.
I could even write some German if needed but I don't even want to think about that aswell.
(No offence to our German fellowmen

As for your comment on dance and it's lack of intellect, i guess you're right in a way. So maybe it's time for a new style within the dance-scene: BrainDance.
It could provide in a lot of pleasure for the ones who like to listen to lyrics and appreciate the creativity of the author and at the same time like to loose themselves on the dancefloor while passionately swaying their bodyparts. Hmmmm.......

I'll have a go at it........let's see where it leads to........

Time goes by so we say
But the truth is: we go by
And time will stay

Fuzz

 

[gascap]

....I think writing more lines just for the sake of writing more lines is not the way to go.

Good call!

I know it's hard to comment on a lyric without hearing any musical notions to put along with it, but so often less IS best. Look at Peter Gabriel's "Across the River" an absolute major league kick in the face sweaty percussion thing (Stewart Copland kills on the studio version) the lyrics to that:

Across the river
Across the river
Across the river, I call.

(of course I'd probably think PG's teeth-brushing rhythm would smoke too - I'm a big fan to be sure!)

For some reason some off your lyric reminds me of the cool Thomas Dolby line "Switch off the mind and let the heart decide" from his tune "Wind Power".

I'd be curious how your music production unfolds. Post it when you're done.

Cheers!

 

[zer0sig]

i find it hard to judge lyrics without their musical accompaniment, but these certainly seem to work for me, especially in the context of dance music-considering english is not your first language, i think you should be commended. i'm a big fan of the idea of making dance music more intelligent-is IDM (intelligent dance music) big where you are? i think as a subgenre, it kind of branched out from trance after trance ceased being made for the mind as well as the body. i think it's hard to find a middle ground, but i'd like to see it done, as music that is just something to hump eachother to doesn't really do much for me. if it doesn't catch my mind in some way (intellectually or emotionally), it doesn't catch me.

 

[FuzzyStone]

To Gascap: Thnx for your comment.
I can't remember ever hearing those tunes from PG and TD.
I'll see if I can find'em and have a listen.
When I think this project is ready to leave the nest, I will shurely post it!

To zer0sig: I find it hard to say if IDM is really big here, because it's hard to define whether it's 'intelligent' enough to be called intelligent. (If one can make sense of this sentence he/she definately is intelligent....) Anyway, your statement about lack of intelect and/or emotion in a song, resulting in a far smaller chance of catching you; I can relate to that to a certain point. It depends highly on the situation. When I'm at home listening to music I can really enjoy the craftsmanship of a well written song, certainly if there's some form of intellect and/or emotion involved. But when I'm out at a club or in a pub, with my friends, I don't really care about that. Then I can enjoy really 'stupid' music aswell, as long as we're having a good time. But I prefer music with a certain level of integrity. This is one of those discussions wich won't lead to a conclusion, I guess.
Concerning my own stuff: I can only carry out what is in me and whether or not it fits in a (sub)genre or not, is a worry that I'm not gonna waiste (too much) time on.

Major Scale Greetings,

FuzzyStone