Color My White Wings

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a torn theory

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hi i wrote this one about two days ago, tell me what you think.


"Color My White Wings"


VERSE 1

mythical gods
hailing above me
shrouded in kind words
protected by philosophy
purple clouds
scented of lavendar
color my white wings
then burst in black cinder

CHORUS

living in my dreams
as i sleep away the dull nights
DYING IN REAL LIFE
DYING IN REAL LIFE

VERSE 2

fruit of all tastes
hanging from one vine
grab a piece
and slip away
falling from mankind
landing softly
on a wooden horse
rock away
fulfill the race
betting on remorse

CHORUS

living in my dreams
as i sleep away the dull nights
DYING IN REAL LIFE
DYING IN REAL LIFE

i'm living in my dreams
as i sleep away the dull nights
cause i'm dying in real life
i'm dying in real life

VERSE 3

flames flying high
there's fire all around
burning every building
down to the damp ground
jumping out of windows
breathing in the cold air
falling from a nightmare
falling from a nightmare

CHORUS

living in my dreams
as i sleep away the dull nights
DYING IN REAL LIFE
DYING IN REAL LIFE

i'm living in my dreams
as i sleep away the dull nights
cause i'm dying in real life
i'm dying in real life

and my dreams let me live
 
Usual caveat - my subjective opinions, I am highly likely to be wrong and its your song, but then again you asked....

Nice theme - the message reminds me of Springsteen's Dancing In The Dark

The metre feels like one of the early Rush tracks - can't rememeber what it was called (25+ years ago) but the melody came into my head as I read it.

The way you've parsed the 2nd verse makes it hard to see how it fits with the melody of the first. But more importantly, I think about half way through this verse is when you started to get a bit less demanding of yourself lyrically, compared with the quality of the first. A certain lack of rigour sets in. Betting on remorse is a good line, but landing on a wooden horse?Something like "losing on a dark horse" might be better.

I think the only salvageable line in verse 3 is "falling from a nightmare"

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you have a very strong idea, you can clearly write well and I wanted to make the point that lyrics need to be honed and honed. More work will give you something really worth having.

Good start though - thanks for sharing.

Garry
 
hey thanks for the crit


and about the wooden horse line...i appreciate your idea, but that line is an allusion to a james joyce short story and i'm kind of reluctant to change it.

once again, thanks for the crit.
 
Your first verse is great with just a couple of problems. The dream or nightmare-like ambiguity is quite appealing. The rhythm suggests two identical four line parts except for lines 4, 5 and 6. I'd change 4 and 5 but leave 6 as is. A change like what I suggest below will make this verse very singable. It also sets a rhyming pattern you will need to follow in other verses.

mythical gods
hailing above me
shrouded in kind words
deceitful and tender

cold purple clouds
scented of lavendar
color my white wings
then burst in black cinder

Use my suggestions freely if you want. You may have better and more appropriate words you want to use.

If you make these changes, also rewrite the other verse(s) to follow this rhyming and rhythmic structure. I don't have any good feelings about the chorus. If this is a verse, chorus, verse, chorus song, then the chorus must be very strong, easy to remember and it must contain your title. As the chorus is now written, your title should be "Dying In Real Life". That could be a good title; but the chorus still needs something. But even more, the song seems to be about dreams and not "real life." A chorus based on the line "Falling From A Nightmare" might be more appropriate, and that would make a great title for this song, if I'm reading your intentions correctly.

If you make the "verse one" changes I suggest above, you already have one good verse. One more good verse and a stronger chorus and you will have a great song. Good work so far.

Keep writing,
Don
 
thanks for the crit i appreciate you taking the time.


about my song being about dreams....it's about both dreams and real life. what i am saying in the chorus is that my dreams let me live and be adventurous because in real life, i'm the total opposite, saying that i don't have a life and secluded from everything...so my dreams are like a medicine...so the chorus is the part that sums the whole subject up, and i think that it would make the song weaker if i changed it.

but thanks for the suggestions.
 
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