Can I get some input on this?

[Fat_Satchel]

I've been fumbling around with this for a few days now. Wish I had a link to the music but I havent recorded it yet (well just a scratch trailer).

Anyways...something strikes me wrong in the lyrics but I can't seem to put my finger on it, aside from a rhyme structure prob with the 1st verse that I havent fixed yet. So if ya see anything that jumps out at ya Id appreciate the input.

Thanks!

Without you

You are my love
Or is it slavery that I’m thinking of?
Just keep filling my cup
And I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough

Sanity’s sure hard to find
When it ain’t hiding in my bottle of wine

What am I trying to find
Running away time after time
It’s all the same to you
You hold all the cards and you never lose

What am I gonna do
What am I gonna do
Without you
Without you

Intentions gone
Wasted away while life moved on
And I hate to be this way
Impaled upon this point I’ve made

Sanity’s sure hard to find
When it ain’t hiding in my bottle of wine

Is loving you a crime?
Counting the days while I’m doing time
Tired of being down
Taking the steps to get off the ground

What am I gonna do
What am I gonna do
Without you
Without you

 

[the Ozlee]

I don't want to sound like an "analyst." But I spent sometime reading the lyrics and it starts out like a love song but I get the distinct impression that it is really more about a personal struggle and not really about a lost love. I think your voice is strong and while I don't necessarily think that song lyrics should or need to follow any rules of rhymne the structure does flow well. Try rethinking your motivation and what it is exactly you want to say and I think you will figure out what it is that you think is not right. Good luck with it and let me know how it turns out.

Keep the faith.... Ozlee

 

[Fat_Satchel]

Hey, thanks for takin the time. maybe Im on the right track here and Im just too close to it. It is a love song but the err..."antagonist" is addiction (specifically my own achoholism) and what it was like to say goodbye to it (been sober since '91).

I wanted to convey the addiction message and be vague enough that it could apply to "lost love". I didnt really think I was getting enough of the addiction message across was my problem with it...maybe it does?

Also got basic tracks recorded for drums, bass and guitar...helps to flesh it out. Ill post it when I get a rough vocal laid down. Has a good groove to it....

Its still getting rewrites...heres the latest version.

Thanks again!

Without you

Are you my love?
Or is it slavery I’m thinking of?
Keep filling my cup
I’ve had too much and it’s not enough

Sanity’s hard to find
When it ain’t hiding in my bottle of wine

You set me free
And the illusion becomes my reality
Tired of being down
Taking the steps to get off the ground

What am I gonna do
What am I gonna do
Without you
Without you

Intentions gone
Wasted away while life moved on
I hate to be this way
Impaled upon this point I’ve made

Sanity’s hard to find
When it ain’t hiding in my bottle of wine

Is loving you a crime?
Counting the days while I’m doing time
I guess I was wrong
Once again, I’ve needed you all along

What am I gonna do
What am I gonna do
Without you
Without you