Brutal Song Critique.

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demensia

demensia

www.lukemacneil.com
I'm working the melody to this out.. and I've already had this critiqued at a songwriting group, and taken some of the suggestions to heart.. I've cut some lines out, and changes some words, but I'd like to post the original here to get some more ideas. See if my changes are confirmed by your thoughts.

Nothing to say.

> Who needs a chorus when the stories right here
> I've made my adjustments and its perfectly clear
> my point will deliver with impact and style
> I'll make you all cry, laugh, shiver, and smile.
> What is it that I will be singing about?
> What feeling do I try so hard to drag out?
> I'm sorry to say that I've worked hard all day
> to write this all down - But I've nothing to say.
>
> I won't make it long, the intro just right
> The melody could sing you to sleep late at night
> My words will ring true and float around in your head
> and they won't go away till your in your death bed.
> There's only one problem that seems clear to me
> I don't even know what the title will be.
> I'm sorry to say that I've worked hard all day
> to write this all down - But I've nothing to say
>
> I've heard songs from Dylan, and Simon, and Cohen,
> And I've listened and wished that those songs were my own.
> But it seems quite apparent, if only to me
> That the talent they have, I just won't ever see.
> Ill still try and I'll cry, and I'll write it all down
> Maybe you'll sing along if I come to your town.
> I'm still sorry to say that I've worked hard all day
> To write this all down - But I've nothing to say.
 
Whoa. That's good. I REALLY dig the natural rhythm and flow.

The only criticism I can muster is with:
That the talent they have, I just won't ever see.

Not seeing it has nothing to do with having it, which is, I think, your point. It also just doesn't flow. I certainly don't know what I'd replace it with, but you said you're looking for affirmation of other comments, so hopefully I affirmed something ;)
 
I like the idea quite a bit. Songs about songwriting are a personal favorite of mine and I've written quite a few. I guess my main criticism is that the rhymes are just a little too straight. With the exception of Cohen/own, it all just fits too neatly. No surprises. It comes off a bit limericky in the pacing. I think you're focusing a bit too much on the styling and not enough on the emotional content/impact of the words. Make me feel it.
 
thank you.

Thank you for your critiques.
Some ideas that I got in the workshop were;

1.) Make it less personal.. try to write from the viewpoint of songwriters as a group, instead of from my own.

2.) Don't appologize. "I'm sorry to say", change that.. Listeners don't need an apology.. I was thinking "It hurts me to say it" or "I hate to say it".. something along those lines

3.) My own idea is to take out some of the less impact lines...

>What is it that I will be singing about?
> What feeling do I try so hard to drag out?

> Ill still try and I'll cry, and I'll write it all down
> Maybe you'll sing along if I come to your town.

and to add a B section to make it an AABA song.

When I first presented it for critique, reading it back it seemed like a poem... like scrubs said, because the rhymes are too simple. Only, I don't want it to be a poem, I want it to be a song.. There was one suggestion that I allow it to become a poem, and add to it.. That suggestion I will not take.

Thank you guys for your critiques. If anyone else has something, I'd like to know.. I submitted this into a lyric contest a bit prematurely.

- Luke.
 
Unluck scrubs, I typically hate songs about songwriting, especially that "These words are my own" song thats on MTV2 every 20 minutes lately by some blonde tart with a forgetable name. God I hate that song, and hate the video even more.

But, your song is very clever, and well written. as for the Cohen, own rhyme, I would purposely mispronunce own to make it a perfect ryhme. I think it would add a slight element of humor, and reinforce the idea that you are having a hard time writing a song. Good work.. one of the best collection of lyrics I've seen here in a while.
 
andyhix said:
Unlike scrubs, I typically hate songs about songwriting, especially that "These words are my own" song thats on MTV2 every 20 minutes lately by some blonde tart with a forgetable name. God I hate that song, and hate the video even more.
Click to expand...

Okay, I just listened to part of that song and, you're right, it totally sucks (Natasha Bedingfield, "These Words") :p . That one aside, I think songs exploring the creative process and/or being in a band can be very revealing. They can also come across as vain and self-serving. It's a thin line. I like the ones where the song might be about the creative process, but it could be about other things, too.
 
andyhix said:
Unluck scrubs, I typically hate songs about songwriting, especially that "These words are my own" song thats on MTV2 every 20 minutes lately by some blonde tart with a forgetable name. God I hate that song, and hate the video even more.

But, your song is very clever, and well written. as for the Cohen, own rhyme, I would purposely mispronunce own to make it a perfect ryhme. I think it would add a slight element of humor, and reinforce the idea that you are having a hard time writing a song. Good work.. one of the best collection of lyrics I've seen here in a while.
Click to expand...

Thank you. That makes me feel better about having entered it into the contest, and about my lyrical skills in general. I appreciate it.

-Luke.
 
scrubs said:
Okay, I just listened to part of that song and, you're right, it totally sucks (Natasha Bedingfield, "These Words") :p . That one aside, I think songs exploring the creative process and/or being in a band can be very revealing. They can also come across as vain and self-serving. It's a thin line. I like the ones where the song might be about the creative process, but it could be about other things, too.
Click to expand...

Damn you, Scrub. It took me 3 hours to get that song out of my head this morning, and just like that it's back. Now I know her name too, dammit. Whoops. Just forgot it again. thank god.
 
Just from reading it twice this is what it seems to ME:

> I won't make it long, the intro just right
> The melody could sing you to sleep late at night
> My words will ring true and float around in your head
> and they won't go away till your in your death bed.
Click to expand...
above it seems you are saying your talent is good

then...

> I've heard songs from Dylan, and Simon, and Cohen,
> And I've listened and wished that those songs were my own.
> But it seems quite apparent, if only to me
> That the talent they have, I just won't ever see.
Click to expand...
this seems like you're saying your talent is bad.


for some reason the top half of the 3rd stanza didn't really seem to fit in with the first 2 stanzas.
 
yeah thats brilliant, has a great flow, i wouldn't change a thing!
 
lyricist said:
Just from reading it twice this is what it seems to ME:


above it seems you are saying your talent is good

then...


this seems like you're saying your talent is bad.


for some reason the top half of the 3rd stanza didn't really seem to fit in with the first 2 stanzas.
Click to expand...

See... I never would have noticed that. You are absolutly right and you just helped me figure out which lines to lose.

Thank you.
 
Got It

Nothing to Say

Who needs a chorus when the stories right here
I've made my adjustments and its perfectly clear
my point will deliver with impact and style
I'll make you all laugh, cry, shiver, and smile.

I won't make it long, the intro just right
The melody could sing you to sleep late at night
There's only one problem that seems clear to me
I don't even know what the title will be.

Ill still try and I'll cry, and I'll write it all down
Maybe you'll sing along if I come to your town..

I hate to say it but I've worked hard all day
to write this all down - But I've nothing to say

I've heard songs from Dylan, and Simon, and Cohen,
And I've listened and wished that those songs were my own.
But it seems quite apparent, if only to me
That the talent they have, I just won't ever see.

Ill still try and I'll cry, and I'll write it all down
Maybe you'll sing along if I come to your town..

I hate to say it but I've worked hard all day
to write this all down - But I've nothing to say

Copywrite 2005 - Luke MacNeil
 
you did the real trick, you found the line that ties it all together. the "I've worked hard all day to write it all down," followed by the, " but I've got nothing to say," makes the connection that we can all relate too. The lines which others can identify with are the lines that get remembered. Everyone likes the songs that say what they have felt, it makes them feel like "that song was written just for me." I could go on and on but chances are that you already understand what I'm trying to say, so in the long run, "I've got nothing to say." See there, the idea has already caught on.
 
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