biggily whop

[Axis]

im looking for some critique on these. i know theres some available. dont be shy now.

Battle Scars - Will Nealy

Someone told me never forget
someone told me never let it go
and if i followed my struggles
i'd find my problems in them

buried under the rocks of heaven
into my dead hands they fall
cast away like empty bottles of wine
pray soon i'll find mine

long time pushin away
my love i can't say

~chorus~
why you've fallen under the rader
into my battle scars
into the womb where we conjoured
what had been our other world

hobble past that arch
when the lights go down
climb up these hollowed stairs
hope to find you up there

pray for you everyday
never get to laugh or play
in your shoes i've walked a mile
now i understand your denial

Homeward bound is never far
protected by my angels gaurd

~chorus~

long time pushin away
my love i can't say
Homeward bound is never far
protected by my angels gaurd

~chorus~

 

[joro]

Hi Axis,
How's it goin' man?

OK...some observations....just opinions really...OK?

Structure wise...
the meter is inconsistent..
the rhymn scheme is inconsistent and at times not really rhyming at all...
There are two different lifts or bridges....usually there is only one...usually after the 4th verse leading into the second round of the chorus within a 4 verse structure...however...you have 3 verses inbetween chorus parts....then an outro verse after the second chorus....the outo verse is cool bit it's the 3 verse part that seems too long to me...


OK...enough math...
My question to you is,...what's it all about?
I mean it is vaque....I pretty much like to be lead by the ring through my nose when it comes to lyrics...I need a story that is coherent....there is always room for interpetation but, I prefer to have an easily recognizable subject to follow...

That's just me though man...
my opinions don't count for shit...

If you were to put a killer melody behind these words....
Market the living shit out of the tune by either establishing a loyal following or getting an already established artist or group to perform it and push it...
You would have a hit song.......

Take it easy man,
Joe

 

[Axis]

Hi Axis,
How's it goin' man?

OK...some observations....just opinions really...OK?

Structure wise...
the meter is inconsistent..
the rhymn scheme is inconsistent and at times not really rhyming at all...
There are two different lifts or bridges....usually there is only one...usually after the 4th verse leading into the second round of the chorus within a 4 verse structure...however...you have 3 verses inbetween chorus parts....then an outro verse after the second chorus....the outo verse is cool bit it's the 3 verse part that seems too long to me...

OK...enough math...
My question to you is,...what's it all about?
I mean it is vaque....I pretty much like to be lead by the ring through my nose when it comes to lyrics...I need a story that is coherent....there is always room for interpetation but, I prefer to have an easily recognizable subject to follow...

That's just me though man...
my opinions don't count for shit...

If you were to put a killer melody behind these words....
Market the living shit out of the tune by either establishing a loyal following or getting an already established artist or group to perform it and push it...
You would have a hit song.......


Take it easy man,
Joe

thanks for your input.

but i have to correct, and say that there isn't 3 verses inbetween.
the pattern for the song is intro-versex2-bridge-chorus-versex2-bridge-chorus-solo-doublebridge-chorus.

the general jist of it is about losing a friend (atleast thats what it means to me) I write ussually halfway between complete absract and story.

Im glad you responded either way, good opinions or bad opinions you gotta take em both with a grain of salt right?

When you read this think Chris Whitley style guitar and melody