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EzDrummer, and Reason with the RDK 2.0 (reason for how versatile it is) are hands down the best. I can't say any thing for BFD as I have yet to use it. AS far as latencey is concerned what DAW app are you using, are you mac or PC? If you're PC are you using ASIO drivers, does Your interface HAVE ASIO drivers? Latencey is always going to have to do with the computer side of things, and really nothing else.
I'm sad to read you gave up because I want to eventually do the same thing, and have been working this out in my head for months, and I know its 100% doable. I just can't afford the v-drums so I have been working out building a Home Brew Electric kit, and using the PC as my drum module. There are people ou there doing this already. So, I know it can be done.
I feel your pain on this. I've tried programming realistic drums with midi and it can be a headache, makes me miss my Tama kit. You just have to realize that it's a completely different thing and try to find value in the digital rhythms good qualities. The machine like, cold style can be really cool for somethings. When I'm listening to things like ambient, electronic, Radiohead, Bjork, whatever I pull out the midi stuff. But if I;m going for more Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, rock, jazz type things, forget it, nothing's going to replace an acoustic set.
Also another thing with those programs is that you have to at the very least heavily tweak the samples, or better yet create your own. Get a mic and if you don't have any drums of your own find some and chop up new samples in Audacity or something. Record all the drums, cymbals, cowbell, pot, pans, bottles, anything... and you'll be able to build up a cool library of sounds to use. Plus you'll learn about mic placements, get to experiment with audio, and it's fun too. Then you won't have to rely on the mostly shitty samples that come standard with most of those programs.
As for programs, I love Ableton Live, check it out I think you can get a demo at the official site. I know it has full MIDI support, but I haven't had a chance to try it yet since all my MIDI gear is in another state right now. But it's very intuitive and might work for you.
Also, I use FL Studio(Fruity Loops) a lot and really like it just cause I've been using it for awhile and know it well. A lot of people put FL down, but I've heard some amazing things done with it. I've used it with recording MIDI and it worked fine for me.
Reason seems good too, only messed around with it a little, not sure about the MIDI, the thing I liked about it is how you can flip the rack around and re-wire everything like a real rack. But I wouldn't want to use it as my main program maybe just by routing it into something else and using it like an effects loop.
How are those Roland's anyway? Playing drums might be my favorite instrument but sometimes the acoustic kit is not always an option (space and neighbor factors). I've been looking at the Yamaha DD55 for a cheap MIDI interface for banging out some real-time beats for song sketches.
Good luck