anyone with a daughter?

[kidkage]

This might be a little too sappy. But what can I say. I'm at the late night can't sleep thinking phase.

My sister (21) found her first relationship last summer.

It all started when she got her job. Which is where he came in with his fuck ass twin brother and hit on her.(apparently they were schoolgirl crushes of hers). It's like the job gave her some sense of independence and "my shit doesnt stink"

And it has completely ruined her. I believe this is what's labeled as a "destructive" relationship.
Because of it she's cut out her old friends, distanced herself from her family, dropped out of college, moved out at one point (moved back 2 months later).
Now, I can't say whether or not there's physical abuse. I don't think there is. But I'm pretty sure that there is "emotional abuse" if there's such a thing.
Me, her and my parents were and incredibly close family. She's completely wrecked it. She's hell bent on being "independent". She once made a comment on facebook along the lines of "this puppet has cut her strings". I call BS. She added strings. She had everything at her fingertips really- a loving family, nothing to tie her down, family business to call her own. Now she's a slave to her friends that are bumming off her, her asshole boss, her bum boyfriend.
She obviously sees nothing wrong with him, but me and my parents, and cousins, and friends, etc. see something wrong with him. One of those things you can't quite put your finger on but you know it's there.
He just seems like a controlling bum idiot predator.

For starters- the guy is 10 years older than her, has a child (not from a marriage), has no career... he's a total bum.
He tried to have a one night stand with my cousin (18) and in the process of pursuing her told her that he has no feelings for my sister and hopes she has none for him. Yet he's dating her. Getting his bills paid by her. Eating off her. Making her spend every hour of the day texting him or being at his house...
I know you all don't care for details sorry

She's surrounded herself with bad people (co workers, etc.) that are filling her head with shit.
I mean people have told us that her great upbringing will prevail...

anyway, what i want to know is this- Will she snap out of it and come back around? Is it a normal thing?
It's weird that we were best friends and always there for each other. She at times said I felt more like her son than brother. And now I feel like it's deteriorated to that cliche "we used to be real close".


Help me see some light at the end of the tunnel in this.

 

[Dogbreath]

It's hard to say if she'll come back around. My thoughts are...yeah....she will. Mainly because of the seeds planted of a real family and the closeness with you.
Maybe just send her a text once in awhile lettin her know you're thinkin of her and to have a good day. Nothin sappy or mushy, just lettin her know you're there when....(not if) when....she falls. And she will.
She'll see what a loser this guy is....eventually.
She may have to hit some sort of bottom before she can look up tho. About all you can do (imo) is just be there to give her that hand back up.

Sorry ya have this shit goin on man.

 

[wheelema]

Married over twenty years with seven daughters ranging in age from 26 to 12 y.o. and all I can say is let her go and hope that she wakes up one day and asks herself WTF she's been thinking. Women bind to men emotionally... I suppose it's one of the reasons the human race isn't extinct... and if you attack him you're attacking her. She's not going to differentiate.

My aunt told my father that we 'just birth our children' and over time I've come to appreciate the wisdom of her words. There's nothing that you can do and to try will make things worse.

 

[true-eurt]

Never give up on her. Like dogbreath says, keep some kind of contact with her. If you hound her or put him down to her, she will most likely fall farther and farther away from you(and closer to him)..do need to keep an awareness for abuse, keeping communication open. Never close the door to physical contact as this may be your only means of sluething out any abuse. It will mean swallowing your pride and keeping your suspicions to yourself.

You may find this guy a control freak and *pressuring* her into viewing family and friends as enemies, molding her way of thinking into his way. How he's doing that(if that is the case)could be mental or physical. Some controllers never resort to physical methods, but many do..using whatever works best to get what they want...and abusers are well known for isolatiing thier victims from loved ones..even co-workers. If she is being physically or psychologically abused(or both), there can be a fear or brainwash factor going on, hindering her ability to make good decisions(and family may just have to step in if it gets ugly).

It is true, you can lead a horse to water but can't make them drink, but when the horse nearly dies of thirst you may have to shackle them and get out the funnel.


But...you may just find, that she idolizes him in a naive sort of way..hanging on his every word, his every ideal, believing he knows best for her..and doing so precariously, without thought to any danger of losing herself(won't be the first time a woman fell for a bum). And because she knows her family and friends are not pro to her choice of relationship, she will become defensive and obstinate to any advice from them(isolationg herself). There isn't much you can do in this situation other than let it take its course...yah, she may wind up with a broken heart and wounded pride, but none of us get through life unscathed..and most become wiser from the lesson.

Keep in mind, he could maybe, just maybe change(the bum part)..and all work out for her.

Leave the door open for her...and all the windows too, cause she may need them one day.

 

[ido1957]

Just hope for the best. Maybe she will dump the guy. Hopefully she won't get pregnant. Maybe he's her drug connection.

 

[kidkage]

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone.
It's a tough thing to talk about.

I've learned to live with my grief at this point. Within the past 3 years my grandfather died, immediately followed by my grandmother being diagnosed with cancer and passing away last June. And the day she died was the first time my sister had a huge argument with the family over her situation.
Really difficult seeing my mom lose her mom and then deal with essentially losing her daughter in the same day.

But...you may just find, that she idolizes him in a naive sort of way..hanging on his every word, his every ideal, believing he knows best for her..and doing so precariously, without thought to any danger of losing herself(won't be the first time a woman fell for a bum). And because she knows her family and friends are not pro to her choice of relationship, she will become defensive and obstinate to any advice from them(isolationg herself).

^ This certainly seems like what's going on.

I don't have any reason to think it's physically abusive (...yet?).
Although he has a temper, and has had tons of physical fights with his brother. Apparently pulling knives and guns on each other is the usual. I don't think it's healthy for anyone to be around that. He's done plenty of drugs, one night stands... oh did I mention that he doesn't want to work? He's one of those "I wanna be an actor" guys. He works in a "volunteer firestation"...that isn't even a firestation. its essentially airport security for a dead airport. He didn't want to take up another job in fear of it being "too much/too hard work"... but he told her to take up a second job on the side of her already 40 hour work week. He's got a history with drugs. Pretty sure he still does. He of course tells her he doesnt... since he met her. which im sure he's told everyone. his mom is a known crack head prostitute.

Hopefully she won't get pregnant. Maybe he's her drug connection.

^ this.

I don't think she's on drugs though. My dad does. He says her personality change is just too drastic. But I don't know. I at times wish I could see that to blame it on something, but I'm afraid she's just...dumb. I don't know though. I've never dealt with drug addicts.
He's basically shut his door for her just the other night. "Me or him" type thing.
He wants the car he bought for her 16th birthday back in two months...
I don't how to feel about it. He just said he couldn't deal with his conscience. Feeling like he was letting her destroy herself.

None of us hate her obviously. It's just us caring about her.

I just don't want the pressure to lead her to depression and hurting herself.
I don't know if im dumb for thinking this can come to that or not.
I don't know how to word to her that I don't want her hurting herself and if it's ever too much to take I'm still here, and I'm still the same. I don't want to make her feel weak or something you know?

 

[Armistice]

If you're thinking "contract", I'll chip in $10...

But seriously, do the "stay in touch" thing, without judgement, just because....

Unfortunately it's only when someone's about to step on a landmine and blow their fucking leg off that they'll every forgive you for pushing them out of the way. All more subtle forms of directional steering are regarded as being "controlling".

You can't displace by logic an idea that wasn't put there by logic in the first place, so your logically based viassessment of her situation, although undoubtedly correct and clear eyed, won't change nuffin'.

Just hope she comes around, in time, in time...

 

[kidkage]

If you're thinking "contract", I'll chip in $10...

But seriously, do the "stay in touch" thing, without judgement, just because....

Unfortunately it's only when someone's about to step on a landmine and blow their fucking leg off that they'll every forgive you for pushing them out of the way. All more subtle forms of directional steering are regarded as being "controlling".

You can't displace by logic an idea that wasn't put there by logic in the first place, so your logically based viassessment of her situation, although undoubtedly correct and clear eyed, won't change nuffin'.

Just hope she comes around, in time, in time...

Thanks for the words of wisdom


Looks like all there is to do is leave the door open, and see what time brings.
I guess as she has multiple times stated- it is her life.


Thanks for the words everyone.