Any opinons on Evening Rushes??

[rguagenti]

And The Evening Rushes By

And the evening rushes by
As you sing your lullabye
Nighttime shadows fall on me
As I sink into my deep sleep
Dreaming dreams I'll never live
When the morning comes I'll give

As the morning crashes down
And it doesn't make a sound
Memories are all I take
As I learn from my mistake
Loving you was just a lie
Even if you didn't try

As I walk on down the hall
I can't see your face at all
I can't hear your voice no more
As I walk upon the shore
Loving you was just a game
You felt that way just the same
You felt that way just the same
You feelt that way just the same

 

[stonepiano]

And The Evening Rushes By

And the evening rushes by
As you sing your lullabye
Nighttime shadows fall on me
As I sink into my deep sleep
Dreaming dreams I'll never live
When the morning comes I'll give

I like your intro verse. Peaceful imagery. Vague but open ended as if you could go anywhere with this.

As the morning crashes down
And it doesn't make a sound
Memories are all I take
As I learn from my mistake
Loving you was just a lie
Even if you didn't try

"Loving you was just a lie"

Honestly, you lost me with this one. I was really hoping this wasn't going to be about a bitter breakup or love song. Of course, we all write them but the start was so creative and promising, I was really hoping you went somewhere more ethereal than waking up depressed.

As I walk on down the hall
I can't see your face at all
I can't hear your voice no more
As I walk upon the shore
Loving you was just a game
You felt that way just the same
You felt that way just the same
You feelt that way just the same

I really don't like the walk on down the hall line. Sounds suspiciously like you were at a loss for words. No one ever talks about walking down the hall even when they're walking down a hall. It's only used when you need a rhyme. I'd strike it. Especially because it starts the verse.

Of course, can't hear your voice no more is a double negative. it sounds funny to me, but can work, evidenced by Tom Petty's classic, "Don't Come Around Here No More."

To be even more honest, this whole verse is stuck with some pretty trite ideas. "walking on the shore" "loving you was a game."

It all ties back to my wish that you completely rewrite your second and third verse to be about something other than a bad breakup. That's just me though. You started out great, but faltered when your heartache caught up with you.

Miles

 

[rguagenti]

Thanks for your input stonepiano.

I appreciated your breakdown as it helped me put the lyric progression in a different perspective. Instead of looking at it as a whole line of thought there are definite steps to the progression of the dialogue.

The second verse does throw a curve ball and I was trying to be ironic, but I don't think I pulled it off. I agree that I should keep the "ethereal" and positive flow going.

You are correct about the third verse. It sounded good when I wrote it, but it is obviously cliche ridden.

Good thing my pencil has this eraser thing on it. Back to the drawing board I go.

Thanks

 

[rguagenti]

I posted a rewrite in a separate thread. SHould've probably continued through on this one.

Sorry but this thread can be disregarded.