Another Song -- "Mint Addict"

[mjr]

"Mint Addict"
Copyright Monte Richardson

Why am I in this place?
A tin can wrapped in plastic
too many burn the mouth
the one inner sanctum is here

I've been sent to a place
manufactured by an illusion
my imagination is irrelevant
It's only what I want it to be.

Wait. I can't remember was was next
I lost my train of thought
distraction's presence was shown
I forget, so I'll move on

I get up and walk around
there's nothing on TV
I hear this tune in my head
but I can't remember what I said

I'm out of ideas
and running out of paper
I'm not tired
My creativity went to bed early tonight.

 

[up-fiddler]

Why am I in this place?
A tin can wrapped in plastic
too many burn the mouth
the one inner sanctum is here

Incredibly clever. Build on this and you will make me smile. I hope that you wake up your creative side long enough to finish this one.

 

[mjr]

Incredibly clever. Build on this and you will make me smile. I hope that you wake up your creative side long enough to finish this one.

What's funny is a container of Altoids sparked that whole thing...

 

[up-fiddler]

What's funny is a container of Altoids sparked that whole thing...

I recognised it immediately. So will everyone else. With careful crafting I think you have a great song at your fingertips. Good luck.

 

[undrgrnd studio]

Use less forced words/phrases

The two things that jump out at me right away is the forced phrases, and the fall back comfort phrases.

This is what I mean.
"Why am I in this place?"

That line is the kind of line written without much thought, it's almost an automatic for a songwriter. It's something without meaning to the story of the song. I know you come back to it later to tie it in with "I've been sent to a place". But to me it sounds like a filler.

The other thing that stands out to me is the forced phrases like "the one inner sanctum is here". Nobody talks like that, and it sounds forced, as if you were trying to be really insightful and deep. But instead it comes out self consciously. I have the same problem with "distraction's presence was shown". I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just being constructive. I learned a long time ago to start cutting out lines with no real meaning, and trying to write the way we talk. You know, cutting out the fake sounding forced phrases that don't have emotional or thought provoking power. I like your illustrative imagery better than anything else "A tin can wrapped in plastic" That's my favorite line, because I can grab it and see it in my mind.

"Mint Addict"
Copyright Monte Richardson

Why am I in this place?
A tin can wrapped in plastic
too many burn the mouth
the one inner sanctum is here

I've been sent to a place
manufactured by an illusion
my imagination is irrelevant
It's only what I want it to be.

Wait. I can't remember was was next
I lost my train of thought
distraction's presence was shown
I forget, so I'll move on

I get up and walk around
there's nothing on TV
I hear this tune in my head
but I can't remember what I said

I'm out of ideas
and running out of paper
I'm not tired
My creativity went to bed early tonight.

 

[mjr]

The two things that jump out at me right away is the forced phrases, and the fall back comfort phrases.

This is what I mean.
"Why am I in this place?"

That line is the kind of line written without much thought, it's almost an automatic for a songwriter. It's something without meaning to the story of the song. I know you come back to it later to tie it in with "I've been sent to a place". But to me it sounds like a filler.

The other thing that stands out to me is the forced phrases like "the one inner sanctum is here". Nobody talks like that, and it sounds forced, as if you were trying to be really insightful and deep. But instead it comes out self consciously. I have the same problem with "distraction's presence was shown". I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just being constructive. I learned a long time ago to start cutting out lines with no real meaning, and trying to write the way we talk. You know, cutting out the fake sounding forced phrases that don't have emotional or thought provoking power. I like your illustrative imagery better than anything else "A tin can wrapped in plastic" That's my favorite line, because I can grab it and see it in my mind.

Cool. It was actually kind of one of those "stream of consciousness" or "train of thought" kind of songs...where I just kind of wrote things down as they came to me, within "defined" parameters.

 

[ido1957]

Monte,
As you indicate, this reads like a stream of thoughts. It has some good parts. I think the phrases you used are fine, but some are more abstract and some are more conversational. So I think you might have two flavors on the go here. With a bit more work, this will paint an interesting picture of your thoughts.....looking forward to any edits you come up with.....