Advice on lyrics please

[Libertines]

Alright I've loved music all my life like Oasis and Libertines annow am starting to learn gutair. I'm attempting to write my own songs and I'ld love you tell me what you reckon to my lyrics.

A single tear rolls down from his eye
Wondering why he had to tell that lie
Regretting so much what he's just done
His life no longer is so much fun

He used to have almolst everything
Now all he hold is his bottle of gin
Under the bridge standing next to the cut
Wants more booze but all the offy's are shut

Looks at pictures of her on his phone
He cannot stand being on his own
He doesn't want her to go away
He wants to go back to yesterday

He needs someone close to talk to
Has some good mates but only a few
Doesn't want them to see him like this
But all he needs is a cuddle and a kiss

Honest responses would be greatly appreciated.

 

[ido1957]

His life no longer is so much fun

I stumbled over this line. It's not bad/wrong but not as smooth a flow as the rest....

But all he needs is a cuddle and a kiss

The word "cuddle" is not my favorite. I don't think it fits the rest of the vibe....

Those two minor things struck me during the read....

There seems to be several verses but which is the chorus? Have you decided yet?

Overall I think your writing is great. Good story, well told, good structure and rhyme, smooth flow (except as noted). Invokes emotion, thought and energy...

Maybe add a post with a link to the music once you get it recorded...

 

[mikeh]

Good story line. You start out with a good image (guy standing with tear in eye) and you help the listener understand why.

I think ido1957 hit on the same things that caught my attention.

A couple of the lines seem a little weak - in particular "his life is no longer so much fun" (perhaps too easy of a rhyme). The line "he doesn't want her to go away" seems a little sophomoric. I agree "cuddle" seems out of place.

It does seem you may have 4 verses and no chorus (normally a song should have some "hook" which is often the chorus). The 3rd verse could be a good chorus and "back to yesterday" could be a very good song title (and a good hook).

All in all not bad stuff - perhaps a re-write or two could beef up some of the weaker lines. Keep writing - the more you write, the better you will be.

 

[Freddy]

What I like is that you paint the picture very well. You see the visuals and are reasonably succinct - by which I mean you choose which pictures to paint.

Also, you have a rhythm that seems to go with some music you already have in mind.

All pluses. Not everyone does this straight off. It flows.

If you wanted to improve, I'd suggest that you try and take us inside more. I can see this song on screen, but I am an outsider. This is one of the issues with going for the 3rd person - it is harder to "show" what is going on emotionally (you end up "telling" us instead).

It can be easier to get a direct emotional engagement with the first or second person (I or you), but 3rd person (he/she) can work too. It's just tougher. Imagine the different song you would have written if you were "him".

I think this is a good start, however.

For future lyrics, it's a good idea to have a hook in mind. Something memorable and repeated. It's also a good idea to cut down on extra words. Make it sharp and punchy. (Don't look at my lyric elsewhere on this board - it breaks both of these "rules" )

Let me give you an example.. not great, but hopefully you get my drift. It's a rewrite of your first verse:

This tear says I miss you
You caught me in a lie
Tried to say I'm sorry
You left with no goodbye.

It's only 9 words fewer, but 9 out of 31 means that 1 word in 4 may not be needed. The above may not be "better", I'm just trying to show what I mean about economy.

I agree with the others on some of the weaker lines.

However, I think this shows a lot of promise! Good luck!

 

[Libertines]

Cheers for you advice lads, the chorus was one of the things I wasn't sure about but I do like that idea of using the yesterday line more as a chorus. Thanks any advice on the music you'ld write for it as I'm no where near a good enough musician to write my own music.