a work in progress

C

cello_pudding

Well-known member
so my recording things have been broken for a good while now, but i was excited to at least get together a mixer to record this little song.

i don't know how cohesive it is, how cohesive it needs to be, or anything. i like the chords, the melody at times, and the lyrics are adorable in places.

www.myspace.com/johnmarkhatfield

it's "so young". The song itself is about 2 days old, so there's a lot of kinks, but a lot of potential i think

this flooded teem soon breaks
away form its usual bend
i'm forced out, and i'm pulled in

to an earth sunken stream
and two paths have run their course
we upsprung to the sun

at water unknown we point our big toes
i'm on a word search and i'm failing to flirt
with my pockets out-turned
and i'm slightly concerned
but with God as my Cyrano
soon we will both know

underneath the hope and doubt
see the green we found a sprout
we would rise to the light

to wrap our vines around eachother
wrap our vines around eachother
too tight, too tight,
no light, no light

we need to rearrange

chorus...

we are so young
we are so young
we are so young
 
The lyrics are amongst the more unusual I've read here for a while, and I commend you for your originality.

There are a couple of question marks in my head . . .

* Like, what did you mean by 'teem'? It's not a word that I can fit easily in the contect of 'flooded teem' very easily.

* In the second line, there is a typo, and 'form' I expect should be 'from'.

* When you sing the chorus, "I'm on a word search", "word" sounds like "worm", and in the context of plants growing through the earth is kind of neat.

* The line "but with God as my Cyrano" doesn't hold much meaning for me. I like obscurity and ambiguity, but more so when these elements can allow a personal interpretation. The line is too specifically obscure for me.

Having made those points, I think this is a wonderful set of lyrics. I like their indirectness, the scattered, but related, images, and the whole earthy poetry of them.

Melodically, there is some work you can do. The first two lines of each verse are fine. The final line of the verses, though consistent throughout the song, is not quite as convincing; I guess this is what you mean by seeking 'cohesiveness'. I thought the chorus was fine.

A fine writing effort!
 
like...something teeming.

"Synonyms:
1. overflow, brim, overrun, bristle."

so it's like a stream of water that has flooded and it overflows to spread out all over the place.

cyrano is from a famous french play...it used to be parodied on tv at times...seinfeld i can distinctly remember. one guy is being fed romantic lines from another guy in the bushes to win over some girl.

i don't mind if people have to look it up.

the second melody line was something i've thought about too. it gets too intense at a point that it may not need to.
 
cello_pudding said:
like...something teeming.

"Synonyms:
1. overflow, brim, overrun, bristle."

so it's like a stream of water that has flooded and it overflows to spread out all over the place.
Click to expand...

So, "this flooded teem soon breaks away form its usual bend" translates to "This overflowed overflow soon overflows"? :D
 
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cello_pudding said:
so it's like a stream of water that has flooded and it overflows to spread out all over the place. .
Click to expand...

You could probably find a better word. I've never heard it 'teem' as a noun before (though there's nothing wrong with creating new usages), but it may leave the listener confused.

cello_pudding said:
cyrano is from a famous french play...it used to be parodied on tv at times...seinfeld i can distinctly remember. one guy is being fed romantic lines from another guy in the bushes to win over some girl. i don't mind if people have to look it up.
Click to expand...


The reference is obscure. I think you may be overestimating the patience of your listener. Even if they looked it up, how would they know they'd found the right allusion? As I noted earlier, there is nothing wrong with ambiguity, obscurity and mystery, so long as you give the listener a sporting chance to make sense of it in their own heads as it stands.
 
See, I like the obscure reference. I just don't know if I can follow the analogy all the way. Like, Are you using God's words to try to get the girl? Is that meant to be humorously slimy? Two big thumbs up if it is. :D And don't both you and God ultimately die in the end, immediately after the girl finds out it was God's words all along? Doesn't she end up a nun no matter how you parse it?
It seems like an obscure reference is totally excusable as long as it's necessary - only go as obscure as you have to to get the specific image you're going for.
With that in mind, I don't think you have to worry too much about your audience's patience. Cyrano de Bergerac is a fairly well known character, and the main thrust of the analogy is pretty obvious.
And teem is just wrong. Make it a gerund - "the teeming flood."
 
I really like 'So Young', I think it's really well crafted and the production is charming. Have you thought about putting some ambient sounds in the mix?
 
the cancers is on top of it.

the ing ending has for me the opposing effect. typically the word is heard with the ing and used as a noun, so i've chopped it off to think "flooded overflow breaks away from its usual bend"

anyways...i don't know why the cyrano image jumped at me when i was writing it. i do like joanna newsom, and she has obscure references, and i'm a bit of a dictionary and research nut, so one little word makes me giddy to think that listeners are looking it up.
 
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