A Thread for Sharing Lyrics

[Folkie]

Here is a lyric with which I'm not yet comfortable. Any serious advice will be kindly taken. Thanks in advance, Dave.

Where?
c2006 Dave Morehouse - In the Chips Production

Hands in my pockets
Starin' at my shoe
Leanin' on my right leg
Nothin' much to do

Standin' on a street corner
People look at me
I'm not lookin' for trouble
But it always finds me

Where did I go wrong?
Where did I go.....

They call me the wolf
I can't tell you why
I never chased a deer
Not once in my life

They shoot at my head
They shoot at my feet
I swear to God
They want me dancin' in the street

Where did I go wrong?
Where did I go.....

Now that you heard it
You can sing my song
I can't stick around
Probbly die before too long

Don't you cry
Or wail for me
There's a million other kids
Just standin' by the street

Where did they go wrong?
Where did they go.....

You could sort of "cycle" the song if you ended with a variation of the first verse that builds on the "million other kids"--something like:

Hands in their pockets
Starin' at their shoe
Leanin' on their right leg
Nothin' much to do....

Otherwise, good tune.

 

[ilya123]

Mystified:

I sat down on the subway
southbound, downtown
Looked up at the window
my reflection beat me down

You sat right down beside me
You turned and gazed my way
I leaned toward you patently
But like a mist you faided away

Chorus:
You had me mystified
drove me crazy up and down inside
And it's never gonna be alright
until I have you by my side

Blue skies won't make me sing
Spring rain won't make me dance
You took all that away from me
You got me falling for your dim romance

Chorus

Your so close but we can't touch
by your presence I'm so subdued
Your a stranger but I'm in love
Strange love got my emotions all suffused

Chorus

No blue skies
no spring rain
no moonlight
just my pain
in this world of lies
you got me mystified
and baby I just want you by my side

 

[up-fiddler]

OK Here is the link to show how the song turned out. (See above) It was COMPLETELY rewritten several times. Give a listen and thanks for all the suggestions. BTW - ido1957,I did take your suggestion and kept the first verse and went the happy route. (Maybe even the sappy route.) Folkie - Yeah I recycled the ending. Click Here for Song Thanks again, Dave.

 

[Bluester]

You can see 'em every day on the TV
Tellin those lies about the world I see
Readin' lines on a page puttin' pictures on the screen
24/7 they're comin' at me

Our lies are good their lies are bad
We got the truth and we're so damn glad
That you decided to believe in us
No you gotta make your mind up
Who do you trust?


So far anyway....

 

[up-fiddler]

Blue skies won't make me sing
Spring rain won't make me dance
You took all that away from me
You got me falling for your dim romance

Don't mean to send you off into rewrite mode but.....I REALLY like this verse used as a chorus for this song. Dave

 

[Folkie]

I've got a single verse for a moderately fast paced country tune--possibly bluegrass--I just haven't been able to figure out whether to continue with the dance image, or go with other good things about a long-term relationship and bridge them some way:

This ol' bag of bones of mine
Has had some fun, has had some times
Has hit the boards of a dancin' floor or two
Through the dark of the night by the light of the moon
Swingin' around to the fiddler's tunes
And the best times of them all have been with you

Just realized that I made a mistake on this one--should have been "boards" in line three vice "floor"--I've corrected it above so it reads now as it is supposed to.

Decided to go with the dance imagery--so the chorus starts

Dancin', dancin' all night long
The music's fine and the whiskey's strong...

The rest of it will get there eventually....

 

[Folkie]

OK Here is the link to show how the song turned out. (See above) It was COMPLETELY rewritten several times. Give a listen and thanks for all the suggestions. BTW - ido1957,I did take your suggestion and kept the first verse and went the happy route. (Maybe even the sappy route.) Folkie - Yeah I recycled the ending. Click Here for Song Thanks again, Dave.

Got to admit it was COMPLETELY different in the "final" version. Sounded ok though. Slower than I expected--but that's what happens when the music is finally added--it's never what you think.

Your voice sounds a bit hesitant--(and occasionally sort of "Rudy Valee"-like, which is cool.) It doesn't feel like you're comfortable with the song yet. Still, good tune.

 

[ZioNIXI]

I had these lyrics for a while and never really had a thread to put them on, I think I found it Basically the idea is of this kid who is going out with this girl because of where she lives. She lives outside of town and has the best view of the stars. He's basically using her for backyard.

I'm Leasing your Backyard

I went to your house last night
Below the second story window
Like every poor sap that night
I through rocks at the glass to ask
If you could turn off the lights
The darkness of it just might
Make things around me alright
Tonight all watch the stars come
It's just a favor to ask


It's not finished. But the concept is that it's a situation so simple that we've done before. Look out at the stars, but there is that kind of twist...

If you've got any ideas of kinda where to go from that or somethin, (helping me get the full story accounted for lyrically) I'm up for feedback. Positive and negative. I'm a big kid. I can take it haha.

ZioN

 

[Grey Angel]

He's basically using her for backyard.

Yeah, that's what they ALL say Man, that made me crack up. I'll get to thinkin on it, Zion. I'm working on a lyric right now about a post-nuclear war world. There's this small band of people, they have no idea what it was like before the nuclear winter came. They're thankful for their world. It's called:



"Licking the Frost from the Interred Ground"

We would all be perished
Were it not for the frozen land

Our throats would rend, as rotting parchment
Without licking the frost from the interred ground
--------------------------------------------------

A very young idea, as you can tell by the length. I'm working on music for this one; All I need is to form a structure (that's always the hard part for me ), and finish crafting the solo, which makes me think of winter. When it's done, I'll put it in the Clinic.

 

[Cosmic]

Hi All,

To change gears a bit, here's one on divorce, first verse and chorus so far:

V.1
It's five o'clock in his world,
It's five o'clock in hers,
Another day that soon will be no more,
He's staring 'cross the rooftops
from an unfamiliar place,
His life in cardboard boxes on the floor,

CH.
The only thing that's normal is the sunset,
The way it always makes the city glow,
The rest is just a jumble of anger, pain and fear,
Of could-have-beens that he will never know.

Well, we'll see where this one heads; any comments are always welcome.

Best,
CC

 

[gtr_guy26]

I haven't wrote any lyrics for a long time so I've dug some out and started reworking them lemme know what you think:

Sin soaked skin that's washed me in
Where have I gone and what will become
The anger grabs hold taking it's control
Corrupting my minutes stealing my innocence

chorus:

And I thought I knew just who I am
And I thought I was free
My hands were clean again
For a moment I was me

 

[rayc]

The best couple of lines I've managed to write are from a song about the evacuation of Saigon at the end of THAT war though heavily influenced by the images in "The Killing Fields" which was kick started by little side missions from THAT war

Napalm Lover
Kiss without lips
In someonelse's war

At which stage my songwriting partner stepped in with

Bourgeois airlifted
to their ships
Waiting for the thaw.

& hey, the thaw took 20 + years before the Bourgeois sniffed out an economic advantage to go back for.

Hey I like most of the backyard ditty - it wanes toward the end though &, unusally, you've reversed the common trend for through/threw interchanges.
Cheers
rayc

 

[famous beagle]

Well, I agree with Wilko that lyrics can suffer quite a bit when they're separated from their music, but I'll throw these out there for the hell of it. This is set to a slow shuffle-- kind-of country beat (but it's definitely not a country song).

Feeling Tired
=========

(first verse)
Freeway's slowing down
The two lanes on the right
will be shut down tonight for to repair

Skyride passes by
filled with happy men
with "I told you so" grins they gladly share

(chorus)
Feeling tired, feeling tired
All I know is if I were you I'd run
All I've learned is you can't escape the sun

(second verse)
It's just a sliding door
but it symbolizes more
It forces you to be inside or out

With the beeping and the buzz
of all that this day was
There's a few choice words I'd like to shout

(repeat chorus)

(instrumental section)

(third verse)
It's not too warm tonight
She's dressed up just right
I've never seen the moonlight shine like this

It falls across the field
shimmers on the lake
She managed to stay awake at my insistence

(repeat chorus)

 

[Cyanide-Depende]

This is an industrial Black Metal song Ive been working on.
_____________________________________
Tearing the Void from Flesh

A consummate tranquility,
Bisecting a vacuous soul.
One end to another,
Dissociating I from me...

...In darkness I bellow.
"Where have you gone?"

The ebbing tide of life runs thin.
Lying in a hollow shell
Engulfed by unending naught,
Without what was once within…

…A searing void,
Assaults my unclad soul

Failing to Endure,
My intimation begins to wane
Walls of pain and anguish.
Suffering with no cure.

My obsecration fades,
Into obfuscation

 

[djhead]

This is an old one that may need some revamping. Thoughts?

9 o Clock News
Well gather huddle masses 'round your TV set
And look at all the faces that you'll learn to forget
You'll save some pennies a day
For some piece of mind
But if you take a look out side I am sure you'll find
We're running out of means for what we use to exist
Surrounded by maladies that scream to persist
And we're all so fucking happy for this grave tragedy
Without any care for cause or validity
chorus
The bloody hands will cry (from your TV screen)
Adjust the eye in the sky (over massacre scenes)
And Katie Couric says (its a tragedy)
They're just lies......

Well most people feeling that all is well,
But Ted Koppel argues that all is hell
You see it aint so bad 'cuz you aint seen the worst,
You can't see your brother fill the back of a hearse
And the media plays the fool,
By saying that your opinion's overruled
When it comes to the system
The Bloody Tragedy is its greatest tool.


Thoughts?

 

[up-fiddler]

Sin soaked skin that's washed me in

chorus:

And I thought I knew just who I am
And I thought I was free
My hands were clean again
For a moment I was me

The first line is great. Stay with it. I like the chorus too. It reads so smooth it makes me just wnat to add melody without forcing it. Nice start.

 

[up-fiddler]

(first verse)
Freeway's slowing down
The two lanes on the right
will be shut down tonight for to repair

Skyride passes by
filled with happy men
with "I told you so" grins they gladly share

(chorus)
Feeling tired, feeling tired
All I know is if I were you I'd run
All I've learned is you can't escape the sun

(second verse)
It's just a sliding door
but it symbolizes more
It forces you to be inside or out

With the beeping and the buzz
of all that this day was
There's a few choice words I'd like to shout


It's not too warm tonight
She's dressed up just right
I've never seen the moonlight shine like this

It falls across the field
shimmers on the lake
She managed to stay awake at my insistence

I love the imagery and the way the verses fall into my head. I'm not fond of the chorus. It seems to struggle a bit. Perhaps rewrite the chorus but stick to the 'tired' theme? That's just me though and what do I know? I like the song but the chorus steals it from me. Just my $.02 as always.

 

[gtr_guy26]

The first line is great. Stay with it. I like the chorus too. It reads so smooth it makes me just wnat to add melody without forcing it. Nice start.

Thanks it's an old one that i'm reworking

 

[gtr_guy26]

How's this


Sin soaked skin that's washed me in
I bathe daily in these lies
Deception is what hides where I've been
I've pulled the blanket over my eyes

pre:

Nothing is as it seems
Only truth in my dreams

chorus:

And I thought I knew just who I am
And I thought I was free
My hands were clean again
For a moment I was me