A slightly bouncier number.

[Max Mediocre]

I wrote and recorded this song yesterday again through one microphone, this time with the mic backed up a little so the guitar and voice (hopefully) sound more even to each other. I'm mainly looking for feedback on the lyrical and melodic aspects of the song, but anything would be helpful.

lyrics:

The howl of the street will cut me to bits
I can’t sleep so I think about death
‘cause the poison I drank just an hour ago
Is already taking effect

The gold of the trees first turned into blood
then tumbled and left only bone
Stare at the ceiling – stare deep into black
I can’t stand what I have become
I can’t stand who I have become

So bend to me
Though everything
I tell you isn’t true

And sing to me
And everyone
So we can all hear you

Though soft winter light should comfort my soul
I can’t help but to think about death
‘cause the poison I drank just an hour ago
Is already taking effect

and here's the song:

poison

thanks.
neil.

 

[guitarhunny]

Very dark lyrics, very plucky guitar. Interesting contrast. At first glance of the lyrics I expected a more intense sounding theme in the guitar. (Not a bad thing). My first thought on the melody is that it sounds like a drug overdose or poisoning, but I would like to hear in the vocals the body fighting against the poison slightly by bringing the last note or couple of notes that you sing to a crescendo at the end of statements, especially the two lines that are something like "I can't stand what I have become, etc. . ." Make it build in intensity for the next part of the song. I think it would just help in the building of the song and setting it up for the progression of the song. Kind of like a wave rushes over and then calms and so on.

I hope this makes some sort of sense.

 

[Garry Sharp]

Nice balance on the recording, a clearly competent song and a good voice and guitar performance. But you know all that and want thoughts on pushing it on a bit? It didn't do a great deal for me, but that could be as much about me as the song itself - good music doesn't please everybody and my comments are highly discardable.

Hmmm..I listened to this a few hours ago, (actually, I turned it off 2/3 of the way through) and had two thoughts which guitarhunny has, I think, encapsulated. But they are related.

The first is, that if you are going to do an atmosphere song, you have to create the atmosphere; in this case, the guitar and the lyrics, for me, just didn't sit together. (This is not easy, I certainly haven't worked out how to do this.) The music and the lyrics don't support each other, don't combine to create a mood.

Second is, if it's not an atmosphere song, there needs to be some movement. This song finishes where it starts. Which may be intentional, it probably is.

Don't know, this may be a useless post but at least you know you've been listened to and thought about. My basic feeling is that this has potential but needs work on either the sound or the lyrics to make it into a song that will stand out, and that you need to choose between atmosphere and lyrical movement.

I hope I haven't sounded too negative, there was definitely something there worth listening to and commenting on