a short, love song?

[kylosius]

ok, i wrote this song while i was in my F-15 Armament Training class. so anyway, here's the lyrics. some need re-working i know

Where Has Everyone Gone? (2004)

Where Has Everyone Gone?
It seems they've left and moved on
So now we're left all alone
With nothing left but ourselves

Where has our shame gone?
It seems it left when you came along
So where do we go from here?
We should keep going 'til the sun comes up.

(chorus)
And we know this can't last forever
But it sure feels like it will
You say hold me close until it's dawn,
Before this magic is all gone

Where has everyone gone?
It seems I awoke and they're all gone
Was this all just a dream?
Or a fucked up part of my reality

not the dark music i've been writing as of late but i was wondering if this song is too cheesy or cheesy in the right way or maybe even decent. if my 4 track wasn't packed away i'd record it and post it.

 

[tanlith]

ok, i wrote this song while i was in my F-15 Armament Training class. so anyway, here's the lyrics. some need re-working i know

Where Has Everyone Gone? (2004)

Where Has Everyone Gone?
It seems they've left and moved on
So now we're left all alone
With nothing left but ourselves

Where has our shame gone?
It seems it left when you came along
So where do we go from here?
We should keep going 'til the sun comes up.

(chorus)
And we know this can't last forever
But it sure feels like it will
You say hold me close until it's dawn,
Before this magic is all gone

Where has everyone gone?
It seems I awoke and they're all gone
Was this all just a dream?
Or a fucked up part of my reality

not the dark music i've been writing as of late but i was wondering if this song is too cheesy or cheesy in the right way or maybe even decent. if my 4 track wasn't packed away i'd record it and post it.

I like it... but it feels like it's missing the hook... maybe it's just me, or maybe it comes through clearer when it's put to music etc... some songs are just like that... don't feel right till you actually hear them...

Only thing I would really look at at this point is the first verse:

"Where Has Everyone Gone?
It seems they've left and moved on
So now we're left all alone
With nothing left but ourselves"


Lotta "left" in there.... Every line but the first has it... then again like I said... it might smooth over when sung...

- Tanlith -

 

[kylosius]

"Where Has Everyone Gone?
It seems they've left and moved on
So is it just you and me?
There's nothing left but ourselves

ok, i hope that makes it a little bit better than having a bunch of left in one verse. god knows i got it in every verse at least once.