A first original for ctitique

Agreed, very nice voice. Nice song too, although this subject matter is frequently mined. I'd like the vocal to expand a bit as the song builds instead of leaving that only to increasing layers of orchestration. At times you can hear the double-tracking on the vocal and at times it sounds like a single track, which is a little distracting since it seems to come and go for no lyrical reason. The strumming rhythm is a little erratic, perhaps overly influenced by the cadence of the vocal. I'm assuming that all of other instruments are electronically produced, which sounds a little weird to me coming on top of an actual acoustic guitar.

Keep in mind you got a detailed critique because it's serious work.
 
No worries, mate. Appreciate the autopsy.

I Had Joanne sing three vocal tracks: a selection of trackage to fix pitch and vibrato issues in the best take. I highlighted the hookie and melodically memorable lines with doubling, using spare material. Didn't plan it...just a lark. I thought it punctuated nicely, and lent a little interest?? That was the reason. [she has a demo with just vox and guitar...I wanted to have some fun with it for my own educational purposes...I liked the tune]

What, exactly, do you mean by 'expand the voice?

The only electronic instrument in the orchestration is a synthesized piano. Upright bass, all strings, drums are real.

Posting an edited version in an hour...pulse, level and other and slop issues addressed.

Joanne had never played to a 'nome before. Her original demo fluctuated time..and it was impossible to add effective other stuff. She liked the 'band', and I told her I'd do a decenter job with the clock on another try. But she still lost the pulse. My biggest task was slicing the guitar track up and re-aligning it on the grid. About 70 edits. You didn't hear any, and that's a good thing!

Yeah....some of the wording, phrasing and melodic invention in the vocal is not super...but I think she's got something to work with and improve upon. She'll start listening to other's music with new ears, and get hip.
 
By expand the vocal I meant the performance, that she do a little more with the vocal as the song builds.

I see, the difference I heard between the guitar and the other instruments was who recorded it and on what.

I'd like her to get a really good guitarist to accompany her.
 
Ah!

I delicately suggested she do a little variation. She's nervous...and stuck to her script. She relented, and gave a little dipsy-doodle at the very end of the last few seconds of the last vocal track. That's a start! I used it.

Guitar is the instrument I can, allegedly, play...and she suggested I do the guit parts; I thought, though, that she should perform the tracks, listen to herself, and learn about playing to the tocker...all disciplines she'll need for where she wants to go.
 
New version at the link, Slim.

the difference I heard between the guitar and the other instruments was who recorded it and on what.

All the tracks were recorded with cheap dynamics. I have some mid-level condensers; but I don't like the way they print. I think that untill I can get a couple Neumanns, I'm better off with the dynamics. The orchestration would breathe a lot better with 87's, fer sherr.
 
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