A few opinions on these lyrics, please...

[grn]

Ok fellas, I got the initial idea out - the emotion of it - and I have made it somewhat organized. I probably need a better chorus, but do your worst... tell me what you honestly think. Does the beginning grab your attention? This will either be called "I don't want to be your friend anymore" or "No one lives forever (Everyone must die)".

Note: The chorus is at the bottom (sorry for the somewhat disjointed lyrics). Also, you can replace "half-assed" with foolish or stupid and see how that strikes your fancy.

Here they are:

tell me you're sorry or I'll hate you forever
you never listen you're just blah blah yeah whatever
you're bright, but you make half-assed decisions, without thinking
how can you be so quixotic, with you're past

<chorus>x2

I really do care about you're feelings, but you're mean (to me)
I know that I can be rude sometimes, but at least I try
I want to see you, the real you, naked
you seem confused as to what to do, I wish I could help

<chorus>x2

<solo>
I've seen you snap and I don't like it, so be nice
don't set yourself up for a let down, it could be your last
what is going through your head

chorus:
just move on
go far away

 

[junplugged]

Good strong start, good opening line, but then confusion. If you are asking someone to say they are sorry, then i think the listener would like to know why.

Good straight forward conversational language, then you put 'quixotic' in there and it doesn't match the tone you started.

If your chorus is telling someone to go away, then why would you want them to say they are sorry?

It reads off the page well, but leaves me a little confused as to what point you want us to leave with.

 

[Fat_Satchel]

you never listen you're just blah blah yeah whatever

This is the only line that caught me...IMO this is your hook and you should rewrite the whole thing and base it around this "attitude". To me it would make a great last line in each verse leading into the choruses.

 

[grn]

confused

I was most definitely in a confused state when I wrote this song... as far as the tone goes with quixotic in there... I'm not sure how to improve it.

I do admit the chorus needs a LOT of work... those were more "fill-in" words. I'm going to work on the chorus a bit. As far as the point you are supposed to be left with... I have no answer - I was trying to get my feeling/mood or my mind set across.

Also, I don't want too much repetition, unless it's in the chorus. I agree, the opening two lines I am proud of.

Anything else... how can I improve? Tell me what's wrong, but give some a solution to the problem.