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Unique and clever storyline. I especially like the way you show the listener your 'process' for forgetting. A few of the lines are a bit cumbersome for me. (Red highlights) They could be rewritten to manage your syllable count a bit better. Joys, Choice, Answered, and Bird are clever end of line...

So..... .....would this be Salty eyeball porn? :laughings:

Consider this.... Perhaps you could write half the bridge and a middle four? :D:D

up-fiddler's misunderstanding I have a melody that ran trhough my head while writing this. I tried to keep the syllable counts even to make it easier for someone else to put it to music. I like the use of short, choppy phrasing with the concept of misunderstanding. If you don't that's OK. You...

Bad lyrics abound in pop music and pop culture to the point of cliche'. Lyric sucking is the norm rather than the exception. :o As great musicians we should be able to use instrumentation and arrangement to elevate them. Otherwise, are we really that great after all? :rolleyes: Dave aka up-fiddler

The recording quality.... ....isn't very good but as a rough draft I like the song. I especially like the counterpoint that the bridge and choruses provide to the verses. It is almost like two separate songs. One (The verses) is happy and upbeat and the other (The choruses and bridge) serves to...

I guess we need both..... Agreed fully on both points. I get tired of pop, rock, and C/W songs that are 'hooky' to the point of cliche both lyrically and instrumentally. However, to 'sell' a message or story the listener needs to be involved long enough to actually start digging to uncover...

Responses Hey ccarnucci, Thanks for posting. One of the things that seems to get more critical responses to a thread is posting a copy of your lyrics in the thread. It allows us to use the 'quote' feature to single out stanzas, trouble spots, great images, etc. I guess we are a bit lazy :o...

No images please. It just makes it hard for us to use the 'quote' feature on the board when you convert lyrics into an image. :o I think the lyric/story 'finds itself' at line 8. From that point on I enjoy the way the story's spun. It also is easy to imagine a vocal meter and melody from that...

I think the most important.... ....question in music is: "How can I get what's in my head into other peoples' ears?" While it is true there are MANY answers to the question....the question remains the same.

This song is.... ....very personal to you. Since you have the timeline/storyline clearly set in your mind it is easy for you to follow. It is difficult for the rest of us though. There is nothing wrong with highly personal tunes. I have written many myself. It is hard for those "outside the...

For my tastes.... ....this rambles for quite some time. Start your rewrite by removing ALL extraneous words. Then try to tell the same story again. The idea of a concept album is interesting and clever. I like it...in concept. I also like the repetition of 'heal' and 'feel'. They are active...

Mine is done ....but it will show up a couple of days late. I am still unable to upload or download content from this IP. I will be home the end of next week and get it up ASAP. It is only a two track guit/vox laid down on my H2 but you will be able to hear the musical treatment at that time. I...

You are hired as my official 'conscience' from this point forward in time. :D:D:D Thanks, Mike.

Good start I like the word play in the chorus. The verses need work. Your story/message should be good whether it's screamed or whispered. The second line in verse one is particularly cumbersome. The second verse I like much more than the first. You might try dropping "nothing but" from the...

Welcome Hey Amanda - Welcome in to the fracas. You will find many folks with great ideas and suggestions around here if you are open to constructive critique. As far as the Challenge is concerned you should pop in now and again and watch for details. You might look up some of the previous...

Sorry.... ....I'm still out of town and can't listen on this machine. I'll be back after Thanksgiving and give it an ear.....or two. I recorded my Challenge entry the other night on my Zoom H2 handheld that I take when I'm away from home. These little buggers do nice work for what they are. I...

Now you have the story... ...and that's the most important part. Next start reworking each line until there are no wasted words whatsoever. Each word has to be there for a reason in a song. There isn't enough time to write an epic so every word has to chip in. Then try to work with your meter...

Perhaps try again? The remainder of the song fails to live up to the expectation set up so nicely in the first verse. I think you have a couple of good blocks to build with here and would like to see a couple of rewrite options. That's just me though. Music is sometimes popular. At other...

First thoughts I feel this reads much like a poem rather than a musical piece. The meter is difficult for me to get into my head. I would have to hear it treated musically before I can tell you if it works for me or not. I like stuff that reads comfortably and makes me think of a melody as I...