Feedback on lyrics please..

  • Thread starter Thread starter brettbuc
  • Start date Start date
I think that rayc meant that since it is a LYRICS feedback why don't simply copy and paste it here?

:rolleyes:
 
Very well written. Minus one line, this could be a Christian song about God's mercies being new every morning and wishing for the morning to break to feel those mercies again. The one line, of course being about someone lying there sleeping...throws the focus off of God, who, of course, does not sleep. Could change the first set of lines to something along the lines of

All day long my heart's been driven
To do those things that need forgiven

The rest of the song would fit nicely.
 
BroKen_H said:
Psalms 121
Click to expand...

Greg_L said:
Okay, but he's God, right? He can sleep if he wants. He's God. He can sleep and watch over you at the same time. He's God.
Click to expand...
One of the problems in tying God and every subsequent action of his to a poem written over 3000 years ago is that it kind of straitjackets him and limits him to a few words in a poem rather than recognizing it's one aspect of the way the poet saw him at that moment. The real import of the words of psalm 121 is not so much that God never sleeps but rather, he won't neglect the people he's promised to watch over by being asleep.
Big difference.
 
Interesting how these threads always turn away from the idea of the original post and into some other topic based on one line that caught someone else's eye.
In trying to give my honest opinion of someone's lyrics, we get a religious debate on the aspects of a completely undefinable God. He CAN do anything He'd like. He CAN be anything He'd like. I understand David's heart in the Psalm, and completely agree with Grim's statements with the caveat that God never changes. I just gave a quick answer to a quick question in the hope of not derailing this post. And, sorry, It wasn't my intent to derail bretbuc's post, so I'll leave off now.
 
BroKen_H said:
Interesting how these threads always turn away from the idea of the original post and into some other topic based on one line that caught someone else's eye.
Click to expand...

Well...if my song causes a discussion about God..I think I've succeeded! haha! :thumbs up:
 
grimtraveller said:
One of the problems in tying God and every subsequent action of his to a poem written over 3000 years ago is that it kind of straitjackets him and limits him to a few words in a poem rather than recognizing it's one aspect of the way the poet saw him at that moment. The real import of the words of psalm 121 is not so much that God never sleeps but rather, he won't neglect the people he's promised to watch over by being asleep.
Big difference.
Click to expand...

Lol. Well since grimtroller says so......
 
BroKen_H said:
Very well written. Minus one line, this could be a Christian song about God's mercies being new every morning and wishing for the morning to break to feel those mercies again. The one line, of course being about someone lying there sleeping...throws the focus off of God, who, of course, does not sleep.
Click to expand...

Great feedback! Thanks! My focus was on two different (but related) things. EXACTLY what you said about God's mercies being new every morning and my desperate hastening for day break. But it is also an account about a very deep, dark time of struggle with depression and anxiety--and of course, sin in my life. "It's hard to breathe on this summer evening, think I'll head downtown while you lie there sleeping", is an account of my sleepless nights, leaving my wife in bed while I literally walk downtown aimlessly trying to escape my anxieties and overwhelming feeling of despair (without relief - "I've been here before, I'll be here again"), and crying out to God and just feeling this heavy darkness (metaphorically and literally as I walked in the night). So, I was crying out for God's mercies, forgiveness, AND crying out for relief from the pain. "Break the Day" is about me pleading for God to take me out of the darkness.
 
Last edited:
With background it is a great story of God's deliverance and mercy! Glad to be on the right page. Your voice is quite good on the song as well!
 
BroKen_H said:
With background it is a great story of God's deliverance and mercy! Glad to be on the right page. Your voice is quite good on the song as well!
Click to expand...

Thanks! I'll post the final version when it's done. :guitar:
 
GREAT JOB! You are on your way! Keep up the good work! Fine voice and music with POWERFUL lyrics! I would buy it!
 
The fact that you are asking for feedback tells me something about you:
1) You don't believe in your work because you didn't put your heart into it.
or
2) You are just trolling for hits on your web page.

Either one is enough for me to pass on it.
 
The fact that you don't think people should ask for feedback on their songwriting tells me something about you:
1) You think your own songwriting is perfect.
or
2) You are just trolling for conflict.

Either way, we're glad you chose to pass, and truly wish you had.
 
I really like the song and lyrics, but, holy U2 clone Batman. Could just be me, but if if I was this close to someone else's signature sound I'd look in a new direction. That says nothing about the music or lyrics, more so the arrangement and sounds. Just IMO, I prefer things to sound unique and original, makes it feel more genuine.

I got nothing about God from the lyrics, I was thinking the guy came home drunk or something and his wife got mad and he couldn't wait for the new day, to get over it. I WAS kinda waiting for some more development of the story at the end, and maybe a resolution, instead of the rehash of the beginning.
Just my opinion, still think you have a very good voice, and the playing sounded good too.
 
Dear Original Poster.
IF you want feedback, comments and ideas you should make life as easy for the commentator as possible.
Little things like posting the lyrics to be discussed IN the post rather than at a link. You wanted lyric feedback not singing/recording/song feedback so the link was, initially, irrelevant and then a hurdle.
I've done your work for you.
Now, the task at hand...

I've not listened to the song.

LYRICS:

It’s hard to breathe on this summer evening
Think I’ll head downtown while you lie there sleeping

Break the day break fast is to end a fast & eat, break day would be to end day's reign & hasten in night. Break wind is an entirely different matter but Spinal Tap have already cover that territory.

I’ve been here before I’ll be here again for me this rhymes with pain
Maybe it’s me but I want this night to end If you were UK, NZ or Australian this wouldn't rhyme.

Break the day

Marching on to New Year's Day
I’ll take back the things I did,
we’ll start again
oh yeah yea is a different word.

‘cause I’ve been here before,
I’ll be here again
Maybe it’s me but I want this night to end WHY?
yeah

So break the day This suggests breaking the day - ending the day: starting night

Fill my heart with what fills yours I'm an empty vessel with no aspirations, plans, joy?
Light my way to endless shores An island?
beyond this sea; is the analogy that THIS life is a sea & eternity is an island to reach?
eternity Death? Life After death? Never ending recycling of the transgression/forgiveness drama?

Break my heart with what breaks yours Huh? Share pain, and heart break as a lead in to eternity?
Lead me now to endless shores
beyond this sea;
eternity

So break the day
Break the day
Break the day
Break the day

It’s so hard to breathe on this summer evening
Think I’ll head downtown while you lie there sleeping

I’ve been here before, I’ll be here again
Maybe it’s me but I want this night to end

I've been here before.
You've posted these lyrics before, I'm certain.
It reads like you're after Ground Hog Day:
Go forward making mistakes,
Get to NY's day and apologise
Make more mistakes
Head for NYD
seek apology.
Seek eternity,
Seek someone else's joy & pain - vicariously?

I can't see how Break the day is relevant.
It's a useful line, can be the hook, can be the refrain, can be a very U2 slogan thing but it doesn't really fit into the lyric from my reading.

Apart from being an slmost standard way to begin a faux noir crime narrative what does...

It’s hard to breathe on this summer evening
Think I’ll head downtown while you lie there sleeping

...have to do with anything in the lyric.
It's not obvious.

It suggests a few things but none that link with the forgiveness story.

More about separation, unconnectedness, abandonment, selfishness, lack of primary care.... none of which are strong but in the absence of something else these all came to mind.

It probably sounds fine on a melody & surrounded by sound but it reads as s few disconnected ideas cobbled together to make a song.
That's a common enough thing & nothing to be afraid of but as a set of lyrics to read
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top