New song: Dust --- opinions please

[famous beagle]

Just recorded a scratch demo of this one. I'd like to hear thoughts on the song if you'd care to comment.

Thanks!

Dust

There’s some dust that I’ve breathed in for years

It’s made me cough and driven me to tears

I know it’s late; it’s felt that way all year



There’s some rust that’s eating out my frame

It’s hard to tell what’s what when it all looks the same

I know what’s real; it’s how I feel that’s hard to name



This college town has been my home for over ten years now

There’s a cemetery road that runs by the school for those who could not get out

Now the better days seem miles away where they wouldn’t even hear me shout



There’s a fire that went out long ago

It used to burn so bright, and I didn’t even know

I held my own, but I sunk like a stone so I let it go



I let it go

 

[Chili]

The verses really don't have a common thread that ties it all together. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. I think it would be cool if you repeated the first verse again at the end of the song. That might give the listener somethign to think about; prompt them to place their own meaning on the song.

my 2 cents worth.

 

[famous beagle]

The verses really don't have a common thread that ties it all together. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. I think it would be cool if you repeated the first verse again at the end of the song. That might give the listener somethign to think about; prompt them to place their own meaning on the song.

my 2 cents worth.

Thanks for the comments. That's interesting, because I find the verses all very consistent. They all talk about this feeling of attrition --- being worn down ... and just the feeling of hopelessness and defeat.

I kind of like the idea of repeating the first verse at the end, but that would get rid of the coda, which I also kind of like. Hmmm.

Thanks for the listen!

 

[Chili]

Thanks for the comments. That's interesting, because I find the verses all very consistent. They all talk about this feeling of attrition --- being worn down ... and just the feeling of hopelessness and defeat.

Sorry I didn't come away with that at first, but I can see it now.