help/opinions on lyrics

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question444

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I'm working on a song and I have the 1st verse, pre chorus, and chorus. Before I keep writing I want to see what y'all think so far. The parts of the chorus in brackets have pretty distinct melody/rhythm and I was thinking I could use them in every chorus. You know, to make it chorusy.

(verse)
Stay young. Stay beautiful.
I can't call you a friend.
A wildflower don't belong in someone's garden. (bad grammar intended)

(pre chorus)
I see the light of a star that's gone.

(chorus)
[Now I know] that pride is a really bad thing.
[What if we were young again] and knew what we know now?
 
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Well to be honest there isn’t much to comment on here.

I’m trying to connect the ideas of the three pieces.

In the verse you state youth and beauty and the wildflower image can be lined up with that.

But the pre chorus makes me wonder, humm have we jumped forward in time and now the young beauty has gone all dry and wrinkly? You know the gleam in an old lady’s eye. Is that the light of the star that’s gone?

Then to me, in the chorus, that presumption is confirmed. This is about time travel.

Or are you an old guy ogling a young hottie? If you are then this Buds for you. I know you don’t specifically mention gender but as a dude, if the gender is not specifically stated then I presume the situation is dude to chick. When you say “I can't call you a friend.” I take “I” to be a dude and “you” to be a chick and a possible reason you can’t call her a friend is because you’re all old and shit, which would be the opposite of what I presumed in the beginning.

There was a song way back called Go Away Little Girl – not many more words than you have here and was a big hit in the day.

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric....ohnny-Mathis/0A858B44599555C948256CED000A0D0A
 
Thanks for your thoughts. I guess I just wrote as it came. You know, in your head it makes perfect sense. In case you wanted to know what I was trying for:

(verse) After we dated that was it; we never could be friends, we were all or nothing. I was saying she's too young to be tied down and has a great capacity for making others happy so she shouldn't be kept to one person...sort of like a Princess Di figure, a girl that everyone loves, male and female.

(pre) I still imagine that there is something between us. But I know there isn't.

(chorus) After so much time passes, and you learn things, you wonder what if you got another chance, would you do things right? Was it something good that ended in tragedy or was it a doomed relationship from the start?
 
I guess the line "what if we were young again" is a bit misleading. We still are young - twenties. But we were teens when that shit happened.
 
question444 said:
In case you wanted to know what I was trying for:

(verse) After we dated that was it; we never could be friends, we were all or nothing. I was saying she's too young to be tied down and has a great capacity for making others happy so she shouldn't be kept to one person...sort of like a Princess Di figure, a girl that everyone loves, male and female.

(pre) I still imagine that there is something between us. But I know there isn't.

(chorus) After so much time passes, and you learn things, you wonder what if you got another chance, would you do things right? Was it something good that ended in tragedy or was it a doomed relationship from the start?
Click to expand...

My 2 coppers.... If that's what you were trying to say, then that's what you should have written. A good approach is to write everything down that you want to say. Everything. Doesn't matter about meter or rhyme. Once you've got it all off your chest, parse out the words. Cut and hack it down to verses and choruses. Use only efficient words, throw out the ones that are unnecessary. In a typical song, you get three minutes to tell the world all your pain or happiness or whatevers... so make every word count. At that point, someone will be able to look at your lyrics and say, "I know what he's talking about."
 
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