Dots

[Nomisere]

Dots

I’m sorry that we’re in a murderous chase
But I cherish my time and it’s really a race
That’s why I run
Because I know that as soon as you find the goal
You’ll run at me like a lion, and eat me whole
And that’s no fun

Consider my bloodthirsty hunt self defense
It’s this or you win the game at my expense
And I lose
But don’t stop now, cause you’ve barely bled
How I wish you would run for your life in a dead-
Man’s shoes

Have fun being a hero
Saving the day
Saving the day
I’ll be here
To stand in the way
Stand in the way

I wonder why I play the devious minion of a villain
Who never appears but he still does his killing
Quite well
You may have a few extra lives to spare
But I have an infinite pool so beware
Of my hell

Watch out; every corner you turn could be haunted
By my brothers, but you just carry on, cause you want it
So bad
So here we are trapped in this Goddamn maze
With a moment of madness to remember better days
That we had

Have fun being a hero
Saving the day
Saving the day
“I’m not afraid”
Yeah, whatever you say
Whatever you say

This isn’t difficult yet, but just you wait cause it will be
After all I am a ghost, so I guess you can’t really kill me

Have fun being a hero
Saving the day
Saving the day
Saving the day
Saving the day

 

[gecko zzed]

I wonder why I play the devious minion of a villain
Who never appears but he still does his killing
Quite well

I see that this is your first post, so welcome to this forum!

Anyone who titles a song simply as 'dot' gets an instant plus mark from me!

This is a curious set of lyrics. The length of lines and the phrasing suggests a rap treatment, and my guess is that this is what you had in mind. I think it would work well.

If I am mistaken in this guess, and it's not rap, then I'm not sure I like them all that much. The reason is that the rhymes sound contrived to me; to make lines rhyme, the phrasing takes some awkward convolutions: "you'll run at me like a lion, and eat me whole"?

The bit that I've quoted at the top holds two things I like. Firstly, it is lyrically interesting, and you've made skilful use of some less common words (although I still get the impression of forced rhyming), and secondly, I like the carry-over lines: "quite well" finishes the thought on a new line. "Dead man's shoes" is another good example. This drags the reader (or, eventually) the listener) along with it . . . leading them through the song.

I will be interested to hear how the musical treatment of this works out!

 

[up-fiddler]

Another warm....

....welcome into the forum. If I understand correctly then I enjoy the linking of 'dead man's shoes' , infinite pool of lives, haunted corners, and the final explanation that you are a ghost. Whether it is intentional or not....it's still clever. Finding a second storyline is impossible for me though. Being pretty much an 'old school kind of guy I like a song with a Beginning, a Middle, and an End. Ideally it also makes us think. There are too many snippets of stories here for me to get excited about this song.

On the purely plus side I love the song title and 'the devious minnion of a villain'. They are outstanding in my opinion. The fact that you have brilliant phrases implies that you can write brilliantly if you are prepared to rewrite several times. Try making every word count for something and get rid of all that isn't necessary to carry the song. Oh.....And tell a clear story.

Good luck and keep writing, Dave. aka up-fiddler

 

[Whatmysay]

Unlike Dave I like the montage of images you have created.

I just feel the chorus is not up to the standard of the other lines. Its the hook but it doesn't hook me as much as many of the other lines noted by the others above.

Did the verse structure come first and then you felt you must impose a Chorus section? Are you questioning the definition of a Hero (Whats a hero?) or the heroic state of the person you are 'competing' against (Whose a hero?)? It could be both, but it then lacks clarity.

Also the final couplet is a bit like 'and then he woke up and it was all a dream' - it is a bit of a betrayal to the listen to have invested in your narrative to only discover you to be a voice from the grave?

A voice from the grave is fine - just foreground it somehow so it doesn't come as a shock, but as a revelation - more of an 'Ahhh I get it' than a WTF! Maybe that's your hook something about the ghost heroes of the past???

Welcome to the forum, I look forward to seeing how this evolves

Burt