Aliens and Angels - comments please

[Whatmysay]

Have had a dry spell but this emerged quite rapidly about a week ago. I'll try to get a rough cut up on my SClick, but thought I'd post lyric up for comment.
Cheers
Burt

Aliens and Angels
1.
She told me stories from the grave
As we drank Pimms and lemonade
The drama days we dedicate
To down and out
2.
She loved the circus as a child
I played the clown she was a lion
But what we tried to tame was wild
Or down and out
Ch
Tonight?
Can I rely upon your smile
When Aliens and Angels are falling from the sky
Tonight?
Will the memory of our skin
Keep me safe from masquerades escaped from Halloween
Tonight?
3.
She kissed me and I smelt perfume
Her summer dress was in full bloom
But it was wet and we got ruin
So down and out
Ch
Mid-8
Your mother’s shoes, we lost in the dunes
They were red and made you so tall
Entwined our bodies in the twilight sun
Now there’s nobody in my twilight sun
Ch
Rpt fade

 

[gecko zzed]

Awesome lyrics! I love this.

It kind of has that Tom Waits melancholy feel about it, and I could easily imagine him doing it.

Rhymically I could hear some word changes, but it's hard to say without knowing what your intention for this is melodically.

There is only one line that dissatisfies me, and that's the very first:
"She told me stories from the grave"

This puts into my mind someone who has died, but that's not where I hear the song going. In this verse of reminiscence, I can picture two different images, each achieved with a change of a word:

"She told me stories of the grave", i.e. you scared each other silly with gruesome stories; or
"She told me stories by the grave", i.e. you're sitting together with backs against sunwarmed headstones.

Either of the above would make me feel happy, but not the "from" as currently written.

Other than that, I wonder what you think about "the lion" instead of "a lion", and repeating "the twilight" instead of "my twilight" (I don't mind one way or the other). By the way, I'm glad she was a lion and not a tiger; the latter would have been predictable, the lion isn't.

I like the line "It was wet and we got ruin". I wondered whether you might have accidentally left "ed" of "ruined", but I'm glad you did, because I like it better that way.

 

[rayc]

The line about the grave i an issue - only in its intention. Is it the story of someone dead or ....? Could be "She told me stories of beyond the grave". The very last line does give it away I suppose.
I think it could stay as is because you're not required to make a) be complete transparent or b) tell the whole story. It does get the greay matter churning which may be the pont after all.
I read ruin and edited it in my head a ruined - it's not an issue, false rhyme anyway really but I do like the double level of meaning ruined as in as drunk as and ruin as in taking the consequences of indulgence.
I look forward to the musical setting of this heady/maudlin reminisence.

 

[gecko zzed]

The line about the grave i an issue - only in its intention. Is it the story of someone dead or ....? Could be "She told me stories of beyond the grave". The very last line does give it away I suppose.
I think it could stay as is because you're not required to make a) be complete transparent or b) tell the whole story. It does get the greay matter churning which may be the pont after all.
I read ruin and edited it in my head a ruined - it's not an issue, false rhyme anyway really but I do like the double level of meaning ruined as in as drunk as and ruin as in taking the consequences of indulgence.
I look forward to the musical setting of this heady/maudlin reminisence.

The first and last line indeed give clues about what the story is about . . .Someone recalling interesting times about someone who is now dead, in which case the lines should stay as they are.

But . . . I don't want it to be like that. I don't want to know that this other person is dead. This is much too final for me. I'm content to feel that they are no longer around ("there's nobody in my twilight sun"), without knowing how final this is. For me, the ambiguity is much more satisfying than the knowing.

Importantly, though, I think the added ambiguity would make a significant difference to the song. Without it, it reduces to "she was the love of my life, we had fun, but she is dead and now I am all alone." With the ambiguity it is more like "she was the love of my life, we had fun, but something happened, and now I am all alone", and this leaves the listener wondering what happened: "is she dead?" (yes, she could be); "did the 'down and out' times separate us?" (possibly); "did we just split up?" (possibly).

Rayc notes the possible interpretations of "we was ruin". This is a fabulously rich line, possibly my favourite, but the whole of verse 3 is just wonderful, and brings to my mind images of a couple in total abandon with their love for each other; she is expecting a child ("her summer dress was in full bloom"); and they are celebrating this in a wasted, wanton way.

 

[ido1957]

1.
She told me stories from the grave
As we drank Pimms and lemonade
The drama days we dedicate
To down and out

The whole thing is well done; the opening verse is my favorite. It has great meter, rhyme, vocab strength.....

 

[up-fiddler]

But I like the chorus!

Tonight?
Can I rely upon your smile
When Aliens and Angels are falling from the sky
Tonight?
Will the memory of our skin
Keep me safe from masquerades escaped from Halloween
Tonight?

To me, this is the strength of the song. The falling aliens and angels line is powerful and serves up several interpretations to the listener. "Memory of our skin" is a classy and unique way to share a physical relationship with the listener. Nice work.

I like the first line..........I just wish it wasn't the first line. It could be interchanged with the third line but then the tenses would need to be changed and the storyline would not flow nearly as well. Just a thought though...

 

[Whatmysay]

Thanks you all for the constructive feedback. Like or loath it, the strong reaction to the first line makes me want to keep it as is.
The line relates to a specific incident of (Gecko you were on the money) of telling scary stories, but also telling stories of ‘her’ past and also the whole thing is in the past tense.
‘Ruin’ was a typo from the original songbook, which I kept because it infers wider meaning.
Will post link to recording soon. Again thank you.
Burt