"Butterfly"

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jdblessing1970

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Once again, as always, no music to listen to but critiques on the lyrics welcome...

Been working on this one off and on for months now and I think I have it nearly right..

Butterfly
© J.D. Blessing 2008

There is a girl who once was my world
I even bought her a wedding ring
But late one night she just up and took flight
And she hasn’t returned since she spread her wings

CHS:
She chases her dreams like a butterfly in spring
In a field of wild flowers looking for nectar
They ain’t made the net that could catch her yet,
You could chase her for hours, but you’ll never collect her.​

It turns out that she has a history
Of changing pastures for greener grass
If you want her to stay, get on your knees and pray
Then maybe your fears won’t come to pass

CHS​

There may come a time she’ll again want to be mine
And she may swear that she’ll never leave
But if that day arrives I will be surprised
And her promise to stay I’ll never believe.

CHS

She might stop for a while and give you a smile
Tho she’ll never stay in one place for long
If you stretch out your hand she might think to land
But the next thing you know, she will be gone.

CHS​
 
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Guess this one's not worthy of any comment at this point. :(
 
Bigger chorus?

jdblessing1970 said:
She chases her dreams like a butterfly in spring
In a field of wild flowers looking for nectar
They ain’t made the net that could catch her yet,
You could chase her for hours, but you’ll never collect her.

She might stop for a while and give you a smile
Tho she’ll never stay in one place for long
If you stretch out your hand she might think to land
But the next thing you know, she will be gone.
Click to expand...

I really like these two linked as a common chorus. I also like the fact that you have told the story more succinctly this time. (When compared to your other work.) I am having a hard time with the "Nectar-Collect Her" rhyme scheme but I realize that they are central to the song theme.

Nice story as usual but this one seems more musical....and that's a good thing. ;)
 
Cool story, very vivid imagery. I like how it has a pleasant tone to it instead of being angry and bitter sounding.

The only thing that bugs me is "Then maybe your fears won’t come to pass"
I think it's 2 things. First I'm a cynical kind of guy and reading this I think "maybe? yeah right that girl ain't coming back" Second I tend to swear like a sailor and really want to use the word ass in that line.:o Maybe because I really want to say something mean about this flaky chick in your song. Of course that would ruin the nice whatever will be will be vibe you got going on.
 
up-fiddler said:
I really like these two linked as a common chorus. I also like the fact that you have told the story more succinctly this time. (When compared to your other work.) I am having a hard time with the "Nectar-Collect Her" rhyme scheme but I realize that they are central to the song theme.

Nice story as usual but this one seems more musical....and that's a good thing. ;)
Click to expand...

I had thought about linking that last verse with the chorus since they fit so well, but wasn't sure if it would make the song too long. But it does extend the butterfly theme better than the verses, so I do like the idea.

The nectar -collect her rhyme scheme was my first one on this song...the chorus was the only part I had for this song for months until I re-opened it recently. I don't quite see what the problem would be, myself; I thought it was clever. :) The way I say it, they rhyme. Also, maybe putting it to music will help clear it up, as well.

I have a tune in mind, and have downloaded the Finale Notepad for now, so maybe I can put the tune to paper, at least, which may help as well. The challenge I'm having so far, putting music on paper is my lack of "ear training". I can put in the quarter, half- and whole notes/rests, pretty well; I have a basic understanding of 4/4 versus 3/4 time as well. Now to figure out what notes I have in my head for the song...singing it is one thing, knowing just what notes I'm singing is another. Right now, I'm trying to create sheet music for my interpretation of a Waltz for our "It's Too Late" song. If you'd like, I'll email you a copy of it once it's done although it'll be just the basic melody since I'm still a novice at this aspect of musicwriting and I'm not quite up to the harmony or chords yet.
 
jdblessing1970 said:
The nectar -collect her rhyme scheme was my first one on this song...the chorus was the only part I had for this song for months until I re-opened it recently. I don't quite see what the problem would be, myself; I thought it was clever. :) The way I say it, they rhyme. Also, maybe putting it to music will help clear it up, as well.
Click to expand...

Forgot to mention I really liked that line. It rhymes when i say it too, rhythm is perfect. That might actually be my favorite line in the song.
 
Yonce N Mild said:
Cool story, very vivid imagery. I like how it has a pleasant tone to it instead of being angry and bitter sounding.

The only thing that bugs me is "Then maybe your fears won’t come to pass"
I think it's 2 things. First I'm a cynical kind of guy and reading this I think "maybe? yeah right that girl ain't coming back" Second I tend to swear like a sailor and really want to use the word ass in that line.:o Maybe because I really want to say something mean about this flaky chick in your song. Of course that would ruin the nice whatever will be will be vibe you got going on.
Click to expand...

I had an alternate but similar verse written for that as well... I even had a humorous streak that wanted to put something like "If I want her to stay, I should kneel and pray that my closest friend won't kick my ass." :) (This song is based on my estranged wife. She left and moved to another town, and my friends tell me that they'll kick my ass if I ever take her back.) It's a lot more light-hearted than what I really feel about the situation; (and funny from an insiders point, comparing a 200+ lb, crazy-as-a-loon, 38-yr old woman to a butterfly.)

My alternate verse was this:

It turns out that she has a history
Of running whenever the going gets tough
You can try all you can to keep her in your hands
But I tell you right now, it won’t be enough
 
Originally Posted by jdblessing1970
She chases her dreams like a butterfly in spring
In a field of wild flowers looking for nectar
They ain’t made the net that could catch her yet,
You could chase her for hours, but you’ll never collect her.

She might stop for a while and give you a smile
Tho she’ll never stay in one place for long
If you stretch out your hand she might think to land
But the next thing you know, she will be gone.

up-fiddler said:
I really like these two linked as a common chorus.
Click to expand...

I agree, these read very well alone and together. They don't necessarily need to be joined in a chorus though. Lots of cool imagery in this piece which really brings nature and lots of its feelings/memories to the forefront.

:D:):D:)
 
She chases her dreams like a butterfly in spring
In a field of wild flowers looking for nectar
They ain’t made the net that could catch her yet,
You could chase her for hours, but you’ll never collect her.

She might stop for a while and give you a smile
Tho she’ll never stay in one place for long
If you stretch out your hand she might think to land
But the next thing you know, she will be gone.
Click to expand...

slight rewrite for second stanza above...

She might stop for a while and give you a smile
Tho she’ll never linger in one place for long
If you stretch out your hand she might think to land
But if you close your fingers, she will be gone

I find this helps the internal rhyming a bit better (Linger/ Fingers) while keeping the same "message."

I still haven't made up my mind which second verse I like best tho. And I may rethink the chorus to include what is now the bridge, as per Dave's earlier advice. Any thoughts?
 
jdblessing1970 said:
Here's a link to me singing this one...
http://www.lightningmp3.com/live/file.php?id=17949

As always, no instrumentation, and NOT meant to go directly to a CD of me singing. :)
Click to expand...

Jeff - I know that others have suggested it before but you really should try visiting here at Jamstudio.

As an example, Icystorm (Joseph) uses it regularly.Many others use it to lay down an idea quickly. Perhaps they will chime in similarly. Not telling you what to do but I genuinely think you would find this useful. Dave aka up-fiddler
 
up-fiddler said:
Jeff - I know that others have suggested it before but you really should try visiting here at Jamstudio.

As an example, Icystorm (Joseph) uses it regularly.Many others use it to lay down an idea quickly. Perhaps they will chime in similarly. Not telling you what to do but I genuinely think you would find this useful. Dave aka up-fiddler
Click to expand...

Thanks, but right now it isn't much of an option for me since I do all my posting from work. I don't have internet access from home yet due to lack of modem and decent computer to attach it to. (the comp I have is probably at least 7 years old and even upgrading it won't give it the memory or capabilities of more modern computers. It can't even handle 1GB memory, only 750 meg at the most.) And I have a feeling that my superiors may frown on my composing music on company time. lol

Anyway, that's got to be the most gracious "PLEASE don't post your a cappella singing here anymore! Once is ENOUGH!" I've gotten yet! lol I won't subject you folks to anymore unless upon request or for challenges. :)
 
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I think this is te most dynamic of your work - I wasn't sure about the linear descriptive start, but you then launch into such great imagery that I realise it is neccesary to set up what follows.

I did a song Butterflies about my daughters a couple of month ago and have just been working on anew arrangement - but I did not work the imagery as well as you have here.

I don't think Dave was having a go at the lack of backing - it is not that your work lacks anything, it is that working with music will change the way you work and think about song writing (of course be happy with the way you are) and that is a good thing, not because what you do is bad, but because it will be different for you - if you want that.

Your voice is very easy to listen to. Do keep post your recording as it give all of us who listen a much stronger sense of the work
 
Whatmysay said:
I think this is te most dynamic of your work - I wasn't sure about the linear descriptive start, but you then launch into such great imagery that I realise it is neccesary to set up what follows.

I did a song Butterflies about my daughters a couple of month ago and have just been working on anew arrangement - but I did not work the imagery as well as you have here.

I don't think Dave was having a go at the lack of backing - it is not that your work lacks anything, it is that working with music will change the way you work and think about song writing (of course be happy with the way you are) and that is a good thing, not because what you do is bad, but because it will be different for you - if you want that.

Your voice is very easy to listen to. Do keep post your recording as it give all of us who listen a much stronger sense of the work
Click to expand...

Thanks, Whatmysay! I am just very self-conscious about my singing voice, especially when solo a cappela. While *I* happen to like my voice, I make no assumptions that anyone else will, and don't want to "force" it on others I can't really sing as well as I think I can. :) This experience is helping my own self-confidence in this area, which, in turn, helps overall. I'm glad I took the leap. :)
 
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