Lyrics in need of feedback :)

ManInMotion711

ManInMotion711

New member
This is a song about a realization disguised behind a song about autumn. The song itself is called "Smells Like Autumn"

Candy filling empty spaces


Chorus
Close your windows
Try to keep your heart wide open
When words are felt they arent spoken
Close your windows
Said a hundred times before
Well get what weve been waiting for

Verse 2
The parks are empty for the taking
Trees are blowing leaves are shaking
Swings are swaying side to side
Hoping for that one last ride
Before the winter comes to greet them
Snow on top and ice beneath them
City streets are lined with bags
Filled with memories from the past
Until next year its done again
With those memories close at hand
Thoughts that like to hide behind us
Jump back to help to guide us

Pumpkins growing kids are hopping
Into leaves now way to stop em
Trees are bare no leaves to warm them
Summers gone it smells like autumn
Haunted hayrides holding hands
A frightened kind of trance
She screams and than she holds you tighter
Look at her your eyes grow wider
Your love of autumn knows no bounds
You cant believe it took till now
Shes been autumn all along
You know nothing can go wrong

Chorus
Close your windows
Try to keep your heart wide open
When words are felt they arent spoken
Close your windows
Said a hundred times before
Well get what weve been waiting for
 
Can you explain the structure please. It starts with one line, jumps into the chorus and then it seems like two long verses before it goes back into the chorus to finish. Was that intentionally? Other than that I like the lines and the mood to it especially the lines:

Swings are swaying side to side
Hoping for that one last ride

Makes it really easy to visualize the scene and made me feel cold just reading it even though it's still about 75 Fahrenheit out here.
 
Great imagery and feel; I really likey :) Although I'm sorta wary if they're being used as lyrics in a song 'cause I worry a song would make them cheesy? Like, singing the words seems different from reading them, if that makes sense. I dunno, would have to hear it; it'd have to be carefully done. But so far seems great as poetry
 
The Close Your Windows line jarrs with the general sentiments.
Close this open that.
Odd.
Nice word images generally though.
 
They don't really seem very well organized and they are also kind of boring. It doesn't really say anything...
 
The most important thing is - are you happy with the lyrics? If not, why not and correct that.

If 10 people say that they're rubbish and 10 people say they're good, who's right?

If you're happy with them, stuff what anyone else thinks. :thumbs up:
 
Well said Mr Clean. Most of the time you don't know if you're happy with it until it goes into production though. Would love to hear OP's reply about the structure.
 
I liked your lyrics. Very visual and moving. I think you did a nice job. I liked that you started with the chorus. I've tried that myself on couple of songs.

Nice job!
David
 
I reckon the lyrics are fine . . . except for close the window. It seems at odd with everything else which is all about opening up.

A melodic context would be useful, so I look for ward to hearing how this translates into a song.
 
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