Words can express anything...
Musix,
First of all, and slightly beside the point except as regards my tone, I just spent five hours working intermittently on this post, only to lose it to a Netscape crash. I figure, though, if I can’t replicate my original brilliance, it may not have been as brilliant as I first thought.
I also want to preface this by saying it takes a lot of guts to peel your skin off in public. Please do not take anything I say here personally (though I realize what you have written is very personal). Sometimes (read: always) it is better to have a detached party listen to your work with detached ears (how many times have you heard this about mixes? or mastering?). There has been some discussion in other threads about the necessity of lyrics. If they are there they are necessary; if they’re not, they’re not
I think it is not useful to think of your language as poetic or not since all lyrics are poetic by their very nature. All language has a rhythm, and in the English language rhythm is determined by stress (or lack thereof) and not by syllables. Of course all language also carries meaning, and the most well written songs are ones in which the rhythm and the meaning of the language coalesce perfectly together and with the music which carries them.
The weakest verb (and the most used and, possibly, necessary) is the verb “to be”and its conjugations; also weak are the infinitive forms of verbs, that is the “to______” form; the weakest (and possibly the most commonly overused) words are “this,” “that,” “there,” and “it.” These words are of course very common and it’s hard to imagine English without them; but when you look at good writing they are only used with purpose. This is the main point really--every word you use needs a purpose. How many words do you have in a song? how many in any writing? When you are so limited inessential words must be eliminated or replaced.
Your song:
“Love is the seed of our souls and we are but trees. Time is a gift though we take it like thieves.
Suttle rain wil always fall but suttle rain it makes us all and nothing less than love is ours
today. “
The first sentence here is not too clear to me. Why are we “but” trees”? What is the relationship between the two first sentences? You seem to be equating Love and time, but if you are then it seems as if the seed is also the gift; if that is true are the trees stolen objects? What is “subtle” rain? What is less than love? What is more than love, for that matter? It seems like rain is what makes seeds grow; but your imagery suggests that seeds are love, so what is the rain? How are souls trees?
“Springing from winter to fall somewhere in June. these roads that we've traveled so far are
gone
so soon. but every dream that I have drempt and evey tear that I have wept every secret I
have
kept is here.... today “
The first line is possibly the most compelling in the piece, and it seems more should be done with the ideas surrounding it to support and emphasize it. The second sentence, however, doesn’t seem to follow. Where, and how, have the roads gone? Roads have gone, but dreams, tears and secrets (at least the kept ones) are still here--why? Are the tears somehow related to the ”subtle rain”? Do you know some secrets about thieves?
“Memories are not eched in stone and photographs don't come as when the only thing I
needed
most is right now.”
Memories aren’t etched in stone, but, above, dreams, tears and secrets are. I’m not sure I understand that. What did you need most? When DO photographs “come”? I’m not sure how the stones and photographs are related to the seeds, trees, gift, rain, roads, dreams, tears and secrets are related.
And beuty is not in a vase and I see beuty in your face. still the only thing that will always
remain
is love.
Beauty’s not in a vase, but it is in a face? Why? Now love has become permanent but in the beginning it was a seed which transforms into a soultree. The vase and face are added to the list of imagery, but it is not clear how they add to the meaning of the song.
roots from the seed that was planted long before. They have grown into something I need an
I
need more. And any dream I could dream any tear I could weap is with You.
today
We return here to the tree imagery. I’m still not sure why we left. The seed has become roots which you need more of--why? We haven’t been prepared for these ideas yet. Is the “You” character the roots? the stability? the life sustenance? Today seems like an important idea, and before with the line Springing from winter to fall somewhere in June you have introduced the complex nature of time, the present and the concept of “today.” This idea seems tied up with the beloved, but it is not clear how.
........and nothing less than love is ours today....
and nothing less than love is ours today.....
This line is pivotal, but unexplained.
Poetic language is not equal to obscure language, unless obscurity itself is your subject. Poetry reveals. Your ideas here are not good or bad (if ideas can even be thought about in those terms), I’m just not sure what they are. Imagery grows and builds metaphor; metaphors accumulate and form symbol. The simplest narrative folk songs work this way. Do not be afraid to state ideas simply, and beware when your images pile up out of hand and without connection. Remember: if people are not understanding what you mean, or, in other words, could not paraphrase what you have said even partially to your satisfaction, you probably have not said what you meant. Look at any song you like and keep asking the lyrics why they are doing what they are doing, how they are saying what they are saying. If they don’t answer, ask yourself how you would improve those songs yourself.
Keep up the fight, and let us see some more of what you come up with...
MH
ps. I couldn't figure out how to Bold or italicize text with any success, so I used quotation marks...
