Where The Arrows Point - Lyrics

[Pabs]

Hi all! Just joined these forums the other day and thought I'd post some of my lyrics here an hope for all of you experienced song critics and songwrights to share your thoughts on them. What's good, bad or just plain weird, if anything? Do they manage to stir up any emotions in you and if so, what kind? Any hidden meaning/message you think/know you have discovered? Any advice, comments, praise or mockery is welcome!

I've got a bunch of songs written down but here's the most recent one:

Where The Arrows Point
******************
by Pabstrum (2010)

[Verse 1]
We're walking down the yellow brick road but the bricks have been turned.
The path still feels hard underneath but under my feet lies only dirt.
An infinite amount of directions are scattered around me.
The needle keeps on spinning but we still follow it blindly.

[Pre-chorus 1]
I've lost my perception.
Give me a direction.

[Chorus 1]
Rip another sign off the ground and turn it around.
Make sure that your true intentions will never be found.
Rip out this chapter of your life from the journal of insight.
Rearrange all your lies and make it right.

Cover every path with breadcrumbs and break the crossroads.
Cross out the names and make us go where no one ever goes.
Steer our eyes away
from where the arrows point.

[Verse 2]
Time and again I have found some pleasure in the long walks I took
by the mind absorbing wall they made to keep us safe from you but
now the needle finds it's place facing those walls, long ago fallen.
The liberating light of mendacity is free to shine and

[Pre-chorus 2]
burn our eyes, it's so bright
we can't see what's on the dark side.

[Chorus 2]
Rip another sign off the ground and turn it around.
Make sure that your true intentions will never be found.
Rip out this chapter of your life from the journal of insight.
Rearrange all your lies and make it right.

Leave a trail of deception behind you and your friends and your kin.
Disregard our screaming, pleading. Some of us are tired of walking.
Save us from yourself.
And show where the arrows point.

******************

Thanks in advance!

 

[Milnoque]

I'm afraid I had trouble making sense of it.

In many cases I don't think your writing actually says what you mean it to. An example from the first two lines:

"We're walking down the yellow brick road but the bricks have been turned.
The path still feels hard underneath but under my feet lies only dirt."

The word "turned" at the end of the first line would not have been my first choice. It implies that the bricks are still there making the second line nonsensical. It would also be better if you avoided using the word "under" twice in the second line. Perhaps you could do something more like:

"We're walking the yellow brick road but the bricks have been taken away.
The path still feels hard beneath my feet but the road is now rocks and clay."

Many of your images have this problem or contain unreferenced metaphors.

Speaking of rhyming, There is no reason why lyrics must rhyme or follow a strict metering plan, but, sporadic rhyming and metering registers as sloppiness to the listener.

This could be a good song but it needs some attention.

Remember this is just two cents from an anonymous donor who is no more successful as a writer than you.

 

[Pabs]

Hey there, thank you for your reply!

To clarify what I tried to say in the first verse: I wanted to give the impression that the bricks have been turned upside down and now the road is all covered in mud and dirt but I do see your point that I could have phrased that better. Maybe if I changed "under my feet lies only dirt" to "under my feet lies mostly dirt"? Although my tongue feels rather odd singing that. I do like your suggestion too and will consider it!

About your point on rhyming, I realize it's not a necessity in song writing but I find that the writing process immediately becomes less exciting unless I restrict myself with it and make rhyming a rule. I obviously don't always follow this but most of the time I try to keep up with it.

Many of your images have this problem or contain unreferenced metaphors.

I have to admit in this song this is more apparent than in most of my other songs. I was actually in a very emotional stage when I wrote this but I assure you, every reference and metaphor have been thorougly thought through. From the beginning I was aware that most of it might appear random to the listeners and I wanted to kind of make a riddle out of it but I might have taken it too far.

Again, thanks a lot for your comments. I will definitely consider all your points and, if not directly modify these lyrics too much, will certainly take them into account in my future writings.

Keep 'em coming! I'd love to hear if others come to the same conclusion or if their opinions differ entirely.