What do you think?

[TheMusic]

Here's a song i wrote involving painful memories...It's not polished, I literally cooked it up in about 5 minutes. How is it?

Why do you hate me?
Why do you tempt me, curse me
Bringing me so close to your salvation, always

And when I finally grow strong and turn away
You nudge a little harder, a little more
And I fall back under your sway

The bliss you bring walks too fine
A line, too close to the thorns of pain
Every gain torn away by temptation’s crime

Cloak of night so weary
Wrap my sorrow, dark and bleary
Lazarus, from the ashes I emerge
Damned to follow forever your faithless dirge

Cursed to love you
I damn myself because I can’t let go
Even without you near
Your shadow is all I love to fear

Moonlit mists and fateful goodbyes
It’s been a while since I’ve looked in your eyes
Saw the pain reflected in my heart’s cries
Saw the hell within your lies

Still I chase and follow
Forever and a day till the morrow
Love dazes my heart and stills my sight
I will follow you into the chill of night

 

[Cosmic]

Hi Music,

As you said, this was done quickly, so with that in mind:

I'd look at structure as much as at the words. For this to be sung to any kind of conventional arrangement, the meter needs to be more consistent, some kind of verse/chorus format. Right now it reads like a poem.
If you feel you want to go with a completely unconventional melodic structure you may be able to do it, but it won't be easy.

Words:
One thing I was told recently, good advice I find: pare away as many "and", "so", "the" and similar from lyrics as you can to make them leaner and more expressive.

I like the opening, but the "always" dangles at the end of line three.
"Bringing me close to your salvation."?

In the 3rd phrase, "too fine...a line" seems an awkward break.

"Thorns" and "torn" are phonetically uneasy together in the same phrase.

4th phrase:
"follow forever your faithless dirge". That's a lot of fs in a row. Hard to sing.
Perhaps "Damned to dance to your faithless dirge"?

Eyes/cries...maybe something a bit more unexpected there?

This is just my initial reaction here. I like the mood you are getting into this; with some tightening of the structure, the wording should begin to sort itself out.

Hope this is of use to you, and good luck.

Best,
CC

 

[spacedyevest83]

I like it

I like it.I can imagine it fitting with some of my music,so i hope you dont have any problems if i try doing that.If i decide to record anything with some of these lyrics ill let you know obviously.Do you have any more to check out?Thanks

 

[Aaron Cheney]

That's a great impromtu!

In order to become a great song it needs some work. As it is, it's really a poem.

In addition to what's already been said, some things I would consider changing:

Drop the word "dirge". Nobody uses that word anymore.

Work on structuring your song so that each verse section leads the listener back around to the chorus.

You also need a repeating hook. In one read, I found no obvious title. If you want folks to remember your song they should be able to accurately guess the title after one listening. (Actually, after the first 60 seconds would be ideal.)

Nice start!

A

 

[TaoManna Don]

I looked back and saw that you posted a song earlier with verses and a repeating chorus. So I won't repeat the good advise Aaron gave you. You already know it.

My advise would be to not post anything that you have to put the tag "I cooked it up in 5 minutes" or anything else like that. I couldn't have just typed your song in five minutes, even if I were copying it from a clearly written text. When you are proud enough to say, "this is the best I can do" then let us see it. I always think that people who downplay their effort just don't want others to know how hard they worked on something in case the comments and critiques are harsh.

I will offer this advice on the song so far. Whenever you convert this into a song format, choose a rhyming scheme and section lenght and then stick with it throughout the lyric. Your verses should have the same number of lines; and if you start with rhyming every other line, keep rhyming every other line.

My final advice is on the rhymes you use. Ask yourself this, "If you didn't have to rhyme, would you have written the line the same way?" As happens with many of us, it seems as though some of your rhymes guided you as you wrote the lines, instead of being guided by what was in your heart. With a song this serious, maybe the verses don't need rhymes at all. (See my thread "Life Doesn't Rhyme" for more).

You obviously have talent. That shows up in this and other things you have posted. Grow that talent a little and you could be a great songwriter.

Keep writing,
Don