Unscathed (demo)

[icystorm]

Here's an early demo version of a song about resentment felt toward the other person in a relationship who walks away...unscathed. Imagine that!

There are some sibilance isses with the vocals and the falsetto in the bridge seems to overload or crowd the upper range of frequencies. I'll work to fix those issues in the next version. This is posted only for comments and feedback on the song itself, if you have time for a listen. Thanks!

Incidentally, is anyone up for a songwriting challenge soon? We used to have them periodically in the forum, but the practice seems to have gone away, as have many of the old regulars. I'd like to restart the challenge if anyone is interested.

https://www.box.com/s/bi8l4yhwkip80w00pilg

Unscathed
Words and music by Joseph Spain
Created with ChordPulse 2.5 and Acoustica Mixcraft 6.0
Produced by Joseph Spain
CD: Harlot's Sleeve
Demo recording
Copyright: Joseph Spain 2012

Verse 1
I thought your words were true
My trusting heart was sold
Believed what you said
Embraced what you did
In faith my heart was yours
My faith cost me my soul

Chorus
You moved into me
You took over me
You leaned hard on me
You got what you wanted
You stole everything
You cradled the flesh
You totaled my heart
Your love has no meaning
Someday, so the story goes
I'll be more like you
The heartless one who's left unscathed

Verse 2
I blindly breathed your name
My lonely heart was yours
I did what you asked
Believed we would last
Forever through all time
My love was cast on lies

Bridge
I pray every single thought
Every thing I do
Every tear you see
For love that is gone eternally

 

[JimmyS1969]

I like the tune, but I feel a third harmony vocal is needed here.

I'm not sure about a 'songwriting challenge', but you could check out the 'Mix This' forum, and put the song up for possible collaboration/mixing ideas.

 

[icystorm]

I like the tune, but I feel a third harmony vocal is needed here.

I'm not sure about a 'songwriting challenge', but you could check out the 'Mix This' forum, and put the song up for possible collaboration/mixing ideas.

Thanks very much for listening and the feedback, Jimmy. I agree with you that a third harmony vocal is needed.

I wrote the song for a female singer who is considering recording the song now. It will be interesting to see what she does with it.

I tweaked my demo and added more vocals to the bridge. Same link as before...

https://www.box.com/s/bi8l4yhwkip80w00pilg

Regarding the songwriting challenges that we've had in the forum in the past, those were just fun exercises in songwriting. The organizer comes up with a theme, then everyone who participates first composes the music and posts that for group critiques. That's followed by the lyrics and a critique, and finally the demo recording and a critique. We'd usually have 8 to 10 people participate. Sometimes, the lyrics stage preceded the music; depended on the organizer. Other challenges were more complex and involved differing rules, etc.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[Phrasemaker]

Joseph, I have very little time today but I've listened to your track a few times and will offer my first observations and get back for a more detailed response. The bridge vocal is still less rich than other passages, maybe copy the take and and duplicate it a couple of times with a slightly different treatment applied, then pan each slightly differently to get it nearer to having honey poured into the listener's ears. Personally I'd consider dropping the BPM by an increment or two across the whole track to allow the chorus lyrics to be imparted more solidly in a slightly bigger space in time. The track does deliver some great feeling through the chord changes and where the melody reflects that progression. The vocal performance also makes the lyric content easy to draw upon in a way that steers interpretation toward the subject. I enjoyed listening and look forward to hearing it progress, the lyrics seemed to be potentially needing some additional rhymes when read, but they sound fine when heard. The repetitions are working well. A very strong last line to each part is also adding to the sense of conviction.

I will look at the lyrics properly in the next day or so, and offer some more thoughts.

All the best

Tim