Tlhoughts on this song?

[brettbuc]

Hi all! Just looking for feedback on the lyrics I wrote. My vocals are on a cheap mic/interface. Just fine tuning before I lay it down. Thanks!

https://soundcloud.com/user4192418/perihelion-scratch-vocals

It’s so hard to breathe on this summer evening
Think I’ll head downtown while you lie there sleeping

Break the day

We’ve been here before we’ll be here again
Maybe it’s me but I want this night to end

Break the day

Marching on to New Years Day
I’ll take back the things I said, we’ll start again

‘cause we’ve been here before, we’ll be here again
Maybe it’s me but I want this night to end

So break the day

Fill my heart with what fills yours
Light my way to endless shores beyond this sea; eternity

Break my heart with what breaks yours
Lead me now to endless shores beyond this sea; eternity

break the day
break the day
break the day
break the day

It’s so hard to breathe on this summer evening
Think I’ll head downtown while you lie there sleeping

We’ve been here before, we’ll be here again
Maybe it’s me but I want this night to end

 

[Mr Clean]

Sounds really good to me. I read the lyrics before listening and didn't think much of them but in the song they really work well. Vocals are great. Nice build up of vocals/piano/guitars/drums. I really liked the flow of it all.

The song made me think of Coldplay. Good or bad thing, I don't know. I'm not a fan of them at all but I really enjoyed the song and will keep an eye on its progress.

Thanks for sharing

 

[brettbuc]

Thanks Mr Clean

 

[rayc]

Pretty good.
I don't think the refrain works - I know what you mean but
Break into day or
Break the night
Heading down town suggests getting up to something.
Wanting THIS night to end suggests relationship problems.
Look, the word nahg together as a song - no worries about that. I just don't think they communicate exactly what yyou want. That's not a problem either really - interpretation isn't a bad thing.