Tell me what you think.

[misanthropy26]

I'm writing this song that kind of sums up my life at this point. I just need some advice. Are the lyrics good? Do I need to change some words? Keep in mind, it isn't done yet. If it sounds depressing, that's what I was going for. I'm thinking of calling it "The Truth".

The life that I’ve lived/
That you loved/
Isn’t nearly the life that you know/
That I lied/
Through the years/
And I’m feeding on all of your tears/
Watching you wave goodbye/
Was it harder for you/
Than for me/
All alone/
Deep inside/
I was trying so hard just to be/
Recognized in your eyes/
God, its so hard to live normally/
But tonight/
I’m alright/
I’ll continue to dig my own grave/

Not knowing the power of my/
Very lies/
I’m despised/
And erased from the mind of the world/
I don’t know/
What I’ve done/
Was it right/
To be frightened to ask “What am I?”/
Can this be/
Is this me/
How I hated what I have become/
In your eyes/
Now the truth is what’s eating at me/

Can’t tell the truth/
For I fear what will happen to me/
Living this lie/
Cause its all that I know how to be/

 

[badgas]

Hmmm.

Is this a song you just felt like writing or one you are going to try to market?
If you plan to market it, one of the little thingies is that no one really cars about your life. Unless your Paul McCartney or someone else who is somebody. Most people will lend an ear to a song if they can relate to it, if it mean something to them, if it's happened to them, if it's a dream of theirs, if it tells a story.

If you just felt like writing it, I can't see anything wrong with it.
I see a story, good meter, and the rhyming is fine. (i believe in a song rhyming) It would be interesting to hear.

 

[misanthropy26]

This song is both. I felt like writing it because I've needed to get all of it off of my chest and I also wrote it because I wanted to. I felt that it would be a good idea to get 'The Truth' out in song, the one way I know that would be easiest. The rhymimg really matters to me because it shows a song writer has an intellectual view on his writing (not like some bands like tool, they're good musicians but their lyrics seem to fall short of the goal line). I've been writing songs for about 10 years now and I've noticed that all of my work, even the earliest, had some sort of rhyme. Not all of it had a story, though. I find it tough to write songs that actually have a story behind them. I've done it a couple of times and they are some of my best work. I'd like to put more of my music here but I don't think that people would even care. I like to entertain people with what I write and what I sing and play. I don't do it because I want to be famous or anything, I love the feeling of performing for people. I'm not sure if anyone really cares what songwriters have to go through to get a song to work. No one seems to care wether or not we actually have some sort of story behind our lyrics. All people care about anymore is a good rhythm or beat. I'll admit, those things are good and all but what is a song without lyrics? A repetitive piece of music that would drive you nuts if the song was 5 minutes long. Oh well, I'm done.

If you'd like to visit my bands web site, go to http://www.geocities.com/misanthropy26

Thanks.

 

[jjtcorsair]

It sounds really personal. Too personal in fact. If you want someone to identify with you and understand your feelings (and that's what storytelling/songwriting is, in my opionion) you need to write lyrics that others can relate to other than abstract feelings. Create some images, use some metaphors, tell the story. Your lyrics seem like ephemeral emotion.

Great songs create a picture in the listeners mind- one that pushes buttons and triggers emotions. Find a phrase that best fits what you're trying to convey and use it as a building block. You have some promising lyrics that you could do that with, ie "watching you wave goodbye" and "I'll continue to dig my own grave". Build on those images and resist the urge to write bland colorless descriptions like "Was it harder for you/ Than for me/ All alone/ Deep inside" or "I don’t know/ What I’ve done/ Was it right/ To be frightened to ask “What am I?”/ Can this be/ Is this me"

You're obviously passionate about your writing. Read some poetry, listen to some great songwriters and then practice painting pictures with words. It's hard and lord knows I'm still trying, but it's worth it.

Good luck.

Jon