I'd like to hear the vocals more clearly. it's hard to judge anything when the mix is imbalanced. As it stands, I get where you're going, but the prod needs to be much better in order to bring out the song. I'd suggest:
Remixing
Re-vocalizing with a better pre amp and mic.
Concentrate on hitting notes better. A lot of vocalizing is concentrating and practicing. I am NOT much of a singer, but I've improved by repitition.
Try again and re-post. I think you'll get more attention when you do.
A Cow