Tear it up to build it up

[up-fiddler]

I haven't written a slow painful unrequited love ballad in a while so here goes. I wrote this one with the guitar and vox together rather than lyrics first/then music, which is my style as of late. Tear it up constructively and I will build it a bit better before I lay it to tape. I am not into style duplication but James Blunt would sing this one about the same way it was written. It wasn't something I was trying for but just came out that way. High, breathy, slow, mournful, .... you get the idea.

The Secret
c. Dave Morehouse 2007

Somebody has a secret.
It’s both juicy and true.
It binds them just like handcuffs
They must wear the whole day through.
(chs)
And they cry at night.
As they wait for sometime special
Shut their dreams up tight
And they wonder why they just can’t tell anyone?

It’s not about the planets.
And it’s not about the stars.
They keep it locked away in granite.
Afraid that they might go too far.
chs
Someday it’s gonna slip out.
At an awkward time and place.
After all it might be worth it
To see the look upon her face.
chs
For now they must be quiet.
Tuck their dreams and thoughts away.
No need now to start a riot.
They can wait another day.

But they still cry at night.
They never seem to find that sometime special
They are filling up inside
And they wonder why they just can’t tell anyone?

Oh I still cry at night.
I never seem to find that sometime special
I am filling up inside
And I wonder why I just can’t tell her?
And I wonder why I just can’t tell her?
And I wonder why I just can’t tell her?
And I wonder will I ever tell?

 

[ido1957]

Hey Dave - always look forward to seeing your tunes posted.

Here's my initial thoughts from a read through. It would be good to hear the music - keep us posted on that. My feelings toward the lyrics are heavily influenced by the music/melody/phrasing....So this may not even apply later on

It’s both juicy and true.

The word juicy - I'm not sure about. It goes often/well with the word secret, but it's not a word I hear sung too often. Maybe it's because it's kind of standing alone without the word secret beside that throws me off. Again just a read through thing....

It binds them just like handcuffs
They must wear the whole day through.

I'm wondering about the third person plural here - I would have expected third person singular. I'm confused - do they both share the secret?

chs)
And they cry at night.
As they wait for sometime special
Shut their dreams up tight
And they wonder why they just can’t tell anyone?

This is great - the rhyme is 1 and 3 which is a nice change up.

They keep it locked away in granite.

The placement of granite at the end....hmm maybe I would have written...
"Locked away like it's in granite" or something because it's unusual to lock something inside granite...I get the point though....

And I wonder why I just can’t tell her?

Here's where you seem to imply that only you know the secret - that third person singular (or first person now). Bit of conflicting information.

Reads like a classic Romeo and Juliet story....always great for a love song.

Post the tune when you can....I'm looking forward to hearing it....

 

[up-fiddler]

"And I wonder why I just can't tell her?"

Here's where you seem to imply that only you know the secret - that third person singular (or first person now). Bit of conflicting information.

Reads like a classic Romeo and Juliet story....always great for a love song.

Post the tune when you can....I'm looking forward to hearing it....

Yes. I am the holder of the secret. I am the Romeo in this one and the end is the surprise. (Sort of) You are very right about 'Juicy' also. I didn't like it when I wrote it but the rewrite didn't get any better. Now the line reads "It's kind of juicy and it's true." to take a bit of the emphasis off the word juicy. I usually like simpler is betterer though and that's why it had so few words to begin with. Thanks mucho for your input as always.

 

[ido1957]

Now the line reads "It's kind of juicy and it's true."

Yep - good choice - I liked this newer phrase as soon as I read it.....

 

[up-fiddler]

Here is a sound clip....

....link to The Secret. Enjoy and feel free to comment. This is a first draft and will be recorded into demo form shortly.

 

[chazba]

The art of writing dwells in the re-writing....somebody smart once said that...Idunnowho.

The elements of great story telling are as follows.

Who
What
When
Where
Why

Anything else is just clutter.

Always make sure that you are consistent with the person (who). If it is "she" then it has to be she all the way thru. One exception...you can slip an occasional "I" in there , but only as it relates to She. Once you identify who, don't change to "them" if you're talking about the same person.

The case and tense must remain constant. If you're really good, you can put in a brief "flashback" but you gotta be VERY CLEAR about the fact that it's a flashback, and if you're not really gifted you run a high probabbility that the listener will lose focus.

Leave out all the conditionals (shoulda...woulda...coulda) Stick to actions and scenery(What happened or will happen and where)

It don't hafta rhyme.

Get rid of most if not all of the adjectives and adverbs except when using mixed metaphore.

Never use mixed metaphore

You now have my "All You Need To Know About Writing" info pack.


write onnnnnnnnn
then re-write...

chazba

 

[ido1957]

....link to The Secret. Enjoy and feel free to comment. This is a first draft and will be recorded into demo form shortly.

Great recording Dave, really makes a difference with the music.

Here's something that music brings to mind:

The story is about a Secret and that is mentioned early in the song. But it is not repeated much in the song. Now there are several songs where the title is not necessarity repeated but.... I would consider retitling this Sometime Special or I just Can't Tell Her. Both of those lines are repeated enough in the song to make them a hook/title. Most importantly, they strike me strongly with emotion when sung - your delivery/phrase/melody contribute to that feeling.

(just a thought - because after to listening I think this is pretty much done)

 

[up-fiddler]

Thanks to chazba and ido1957 for the help. This recording is a rough draft in progress (Seems like they are never done!) so your suggestions are received warmly. Getting opinions from others is probably my greatest method of improving my tunes. I cherish your food for thought and will see how I can make some of it fit in. Back to work on it today and thanks again.

 

[LI_Slim]

I haven't written a slow painful unrequited love ballad in a while so here goes. ...


The Secret
c. Dave Morehouse 2007

Somebody has a secret.
It’s both juicy and true.
It binds them just like handcuffs
They must wear the whole day through.
(chs)
And they cry at night.
As they wait for sometime special
Shut their dreams up tight
And they wonder why they just can’t tell anyone?

It’s not about the planets.
And it’s not about the stars.
They keep it locked away in granite.
Afraid that they might go too far.
chs
Someday it’s gonna slip out.
At an awkward time and place.
After all it might be worth it
To see the look upon her face.
chs
For now they must be quiet.
Tuck their dreams and thoughts away.
No need now to start a riot.
They can wait another day.

But they still cry at night.
They never seem to find that sometime special
They are filling up inside
And they wonder why they just can’t tell anyone?

Oh I still cry at night.
I never seem to find that sometime special
I am filling up inside
And I wonder why I just can’t tell her?
And I wonder why I just can’t tell her?
And I wonder why I just can’t tell her?
And I wonder will I ever tell?

Okay, here is my teardown--

First of all, the nature of the secret is ambiguous, and made more so by the use of plural pronouns when you may mean singular, as well as the switching from third person to first person. Is it about a secret affair that a man can't tell his wife/girlfriend about? Is it about a man who is afraid to tell a woman he loves her (which seems to be indicated by your introduction)? Is it some other secret (like the guy is in the closet or something)? Since we cannot tell, and since the song is not about anything else, the listener is left kind of unfulfilled.

It's juicy and true: well, we have to take your word that it's juicy, since the song does not otherwise back that up, and "true" is kind of superfluous since all secrets hide the truth.

The planets and stars seem thrown in there because the meter and rhyme sounds nice. You might want to delete that entire stanza.

If it's about one man's unrequited love for one woman, I suggest you get rid of all of the "they"s and choose between he and I.

If it's about unrequited love, I don't understand why it would be worth it to see the look on her face.

Also I don't understand the statement that "they" (or "I") can't find someone special. If it's about unrequited love, he HAS found someone special but for some reason he can't bring himself to tell her. Perhaps we should be told why that is: What's the dynamic that prevents him from telling her he loves her?

 

[up-fiddler]

Also I don't understand the statement that "they" (or "I") can't find someone special. If it's about unrequited love, he HAS found someone special but for some reason he can't bring himself to tell her. Perhaps we should be told why that is: What's the dynamic that prevents him from telling her he loves her?

Bingo! This is the heart of the song. Can't bring himself to talk in anything other than third person until the end of the song. Still, he can't tell the one person who needs to know most.

Have a listen at this link because it translates a bit better with the music and the vocal inflection.

Still, everyones points are valid. If I need to explain the song then I haven't done the job of writing and conveying my story. I have a couple of ideas to address your critiques. Thanks to all. Dave aka up-fiddler

 

[LI_Slim]

you are welcome Dave. have fun with with it.