straight out of the jungle

[struberg]

hi folks!

I'm not a native english speaker and sparely write lyrics at all, but those words flow out of my mind in 5 minutes and are willing to be posted...
Please let me know if the lyrics are completely crap or there are things that a native speaker wont understand or simply tell me that i should not complete this and straight go back to my jungelistic electronic stuff again

txs in advance,
mark

- male voice
* femal voice


- since a plenty of time
- run by and by
- since the autumn is near
- and the wind is still dry
- till the morning dawn
- and the light fading high
- and i will see your skin
- slowly passing by

***chorus***
- as everday
* try me *

- as everone
* trust me *

- as everday
* hold me *

- i've told her
* fold me *

- i am satisfied
- with a narrow track
- just so real laidback
- i will sure come back
- for she's loving me
- and she'd left a mark
- thats impressing me
- and i fall appart

***bridge***
* there is a feeling
* that can't be the real thing
* refuse...
* there is a real thing
* that ruins my feelings
* along the whole night...
* that's you!

***chorus***

 

[Chris Shaeffer]

English-wise most of your lyrics work well. I would definately finish it if I were you. Its a little vague, but so are a lot of songs written by english speaher.

There's a few things that stood out to me though:

"- since a plenty of time "

"a plenty" is a little weird. Normally I'd expect something like "since there's plenty of time"

I'm not sure what you mean by the line. If you mean that a lot of time has passed it doesn't work to say "a plenty". If that is the meaning I might try "Since too much time" of "Since plenty of time."


"- i've told her
* fold me * "

I have no idea what she means by "fold me." Mabye you mean "Enfold me" as in surroung me or wrap around me? The word "fold" doesn't make sense here.


"- for she's loving me
- and she'd left a mark
- thats impressing me "

Change "she'd left a mark" to "she's left a mark". I know they look like the same word, but in "she's loving me" the -'s- makes it "she is". In "she's left a mark" it means "she has." If you use -'d- it means "she had" which doesn't quite work.

(I hope that was clear.)


And finally,

"* along the whole night..."

The word "along" is not quite right. Maybe "through", "throughout", "All through"? I don't know what you mean by "along" in this line.

Over all, though, this is really good for your non-native language! I certainly can't write in anything excpet english.

Good work!
Chris

 

[nave]

I mostly just speak jibberish

 

[struberg]

Hi Chris!

First of all great thanks for your review and for taking your time to help me with this!
I'm taking your tips 1:1 because all your speculations were right and your words fit my feeling very well.
I hopefully will continue this song if the words flow out of me again

txs,
mark