Song - "Not Mine" - Opinions please

  • Thread starter Thread starter waverider
  • Start date Start date
W

waverider

New member
I just have some lyrics that I wrote last summer that I'm looking for some opinions on. I have no idea on how this will be treated when music is added so if anyone has any ideas on how this can be transformed into a half decent song it would be helpful... Unless of course the overwhelming majority think this should just be burned and never spoken of again. Anyway here goes...

Not Mine

Sittin' in the parking lot…
Behind the old gas station…
Glow of the street lights..
Castin' shadows on your face
God and the angels know…
I belong in some other place

(Chorus)
I can see it in your eyes…
What's been weighing on your mind…
Baby if you're gonna go…
Don't waste no time…
Just cut the line…
Smile and watch me drown
Wave goodbye

I've heard about the boys
Prettier than the stars…
The ones that wait for your heart..
Standing outside your door
They fall in line
With promises, lies
And blood red roses

(Chorus)

After all's said
And you're done with me…
I'll still be empty…
Just a fool waiting…
For a fool's heart…
To be mine.
 
I usually don't comment on lyrics, because they are so subjective, and open to interpretation.
These are good lyrics. I especially like the first two lines. You set a physical scene, and give the listener a mental picture of where you are.
I assume from your lack of egocentricity that you are just starting out with this.:cool: Keep it up. I think you have real talent. If you don't play an instrument, find someone local who does, and collaborate.
Good luck- you're off to a great start!


Bob
 
I agree with Bob - the first two lines set up a great visual. I was a little let down when you didn't add more visual lines in the song.

However, some of the other lines are pretty good. In particular the verse leading to the 2nd chorus "I've heard about the boys ....."

All in all good work! The theme is universal enough that this could work both as a ballad or as a harderedged song - and could fall into almost any genre from rock to pop to country.
 
Hi,

I agree with the others on your first two lines... I hear a banjo softly playing in the background of it or maybe a slide guitar .. depending what direction genre wise you are going with this ... it seems to really be set up well for a blues or country ballad though IMO ....

Also, at the end of the song .. after your lyrics end... I can hear like a fading voice mabye saying or singing ... wave goodbye.....something like that ....

good luck with this nice lyrics ..
 
shazza are you for real? lol, the song's called "Not Mine" ... he wrote it. I thought that too though before I read the lyrics
 
well it seems some of my fellow brisbanites are UNFAMILIAR with sarcasm.

hey rodeo where are you from? what suburb?


balshazza
 
I'd like to hear that read in a dark, smoke-filled coffeehouse, accompanied by a plaintive bongo drum between verses. Beatnik style. The lyric stands on it's own, even without music.

My only regret is that it's "not mine"!:D
 
Thanks!

Thanks to everyone for their opinions and comments. They're all appreciated!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top