song i wrote.. i'm bored

[Nick_Black]

this is a song i wrote during math class. any comments. sugestions, rude opinions. are greatly apriciated. I have done no editing yet.

here it is:

close your eye's little girl
they are not gonna stop
in their eye's your a pearl
a jewl they long to crush

to give them power...
to make them higer...
becouse they know your the wiser

tuck your head between your shoulders
hiding within your concios self
but thier words break thrue your borders
knocking marbles off your shelf

your eyes begin to water.
you drop your books upon the ground.
you push passed them to safty
but thier voices trailing like a hound

BANG! thrue the doors
SLAM! your pen on the table
RIPPING! thrue your binder
jingles of laughter in your ear(s)

(soft guitar solo with voice saying: )

Why? what have you done to them?
it's your foult.
Why else will no one be your friend?

(back to normal)

tap. tap tap. upun your shoulder
you turn around, fealing colder.
there's a girl standing behind
with warmth, blazing from her eye's

she tells you:

don't be afraid
your not alone
it's not your foult
here, i'll take you home.


---i know the spelling sucks. it's not emo... it's blue's. and it was inspired by nirvana "platou"---

 

[mikeh]

I'm guessing you weren't in English class I'm just kidding about your spelling.

I always like lyrics that tell a story in which I can envision the story's characters (much like a well written book let's you place yourself in the story line).

I could see the girl storming through the door, upset about something), her classmates laughing, her friend coming to offer support, etc.

While your rhymes are weak and no doubt the lyrics could be improved by a couple of well thought out re-writes - this is a well imaged story line. Certainly improved spelling would present your skill much more effectively!!

If you can create this well when you're bored - I suspect you have a very good writer in you waiting for you to actually develop your skill. It would appear lady muse laid her hand on your shoulder on this particular day!

 

[Nick_Black]

While your rhymes are weak and no doubt the lyrics could be improved by a couple of well thought out re-writes - this is a well imaged story line. Certainly improved spelling would present your skill much more effectively!!

yeah i love writing stories in my lyrics, and i know my spelling sux but your not the only one that sais my rhymes are weak (you should hear me rap ) i dunno, usually it sounds ok in my ears but most of my friends say it's no good, i believe them and i should get myself a rhyming dictionary i guess, thanks for the reply, if anybody has any idea's that might rhyme better, it will be greatly apreciated!

thank you again

edit: oh shoot, it's supposto be "tuck your HEAD* between your shoulders.. not hand..

 

[gecko zzed]

the story is good, the imagery is good, and there are a couple of really neat original phrases, e.g.

"tuck your head between your shoulders
hiding within your concios self
but thier words break thrue your borders
knocking marbles off your shelf"

and

"but thier voices trailing like a hound"

i like these lyrics!

 

[six]

mikeh: damn, i wanted to make a very similar joke...


the point with weak rhymes is, unlike in rap, trivial rhymes CAN be ok depending on the song. if you look at these lyrics as a poem it may suck, but lyrics work differently in a song. sometimes it's the other way round: lyrics look great on paper but just sound weird in the song.

i'm thinking of 80's-hairrock here... lots of stupid, shallow lyrics. but they work. on the other hand there are bands with profound stuff (at least it reads like) but then the songs don't work.

... i made the experience that lyrics written before the music tend not to work, unless you already have the music in your head.

 

[Nick_Black]

... i made the experience that lyrics written before the music tend not to work, unless you already have the music in your head.

i agree, this is also verry true for me. but it is posible to make the lyrics first.

i'll write some guitar lines for it and post them up somewhere... thxs for the info!

 

[Emusic]

It aint a song. Its a text. Add some music.

 

[Nick_Black]

I've got music for it now.. but my studio pc is giving me the "blue screen of death" evrytime i run cubase or my pc is on longer than 5 min. or so... once i got that fixed I'll post it.