Something Beautiful: A Work In Progress

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Something Beautiful
Words by: David Silverstein

Verse

Cause I don't think you like me,
and do not even care about.
Just a fun thing, something you can live without.

And now i'm up late thinking your up to.

You touch me like you want me,
and trick me into loving you.
But thats the hard part love has never felt this true.

And at the same time i'm telling myself i'm dumb.

Chorus

whoa oh, whoa oh
Lets start something beautiful.
whoa oh, whoa oh
We are on our way.

Verse Two

Does he have a nice car,
with words to suit your every mood.


Well is it to late has he already won your heart.

________________________________________

Just in case you want to know what this song is about. I am really in love with this girl at school but she has a boyfriend. She is very flirty and I cant read her at all. I don't know if I should act on my feelings or wait it out. I still don't even know how she feels about me and if I could ever be more then a friend.

Tell me what you guys think.
Dave
 
DAS19 said:
Something Beautiful
Words by: David Silverstein

Chorus

whoa oh, whoa oh
Lets start something beautiful.
whoa oh, whoa oh
We are on our way.


________________________________________

I am really in love with this girl at school
Click to expand...


The Chorus: I like the use of Whoa and Oh for emphasis and the chorus in general. ;)

The Song: The rest of the song just doesn't strike a chord (Pun intended.) with me but I still like the chorus.

The Girl: Way out of my area of expertise. :D

Suggestions: Keep the chorus, sleep on the song and then rewrite it using more specifics about the girl. Try flirting with the girl until just before the boyfriend hits you in the eye. :eek: Good luck on both counts.
 
Is she really flirty or are you just being optimistic in your thinking?

That’s not a judgement, that to me is the real core of this song and possible what you need to work out before you act on your feelings.

Like Up-fiddler I like the Whoa-ohs – but I think you should change it to ‘I want to start something beautiful’ and then the last line of the chorus ‘Are we on our way?’.The you are in control - much more attractive than the puppy dog 'pleaselike me'.

In your verses you seem the victim of her inconsistent displays of emotion and you really undervalue yourself in the opening lines – if you don’t think she likes you then why are you even thinking about her? – shift your perspective a bit and start with the idea that you are really into this girl, she’s cute and you really want to be with her.

Think that she is the one who needs to be set straight, because your friendship is really worth something. It might go something like this

V1: I think you are hot
V2: I am pretty hot too
CH: Together we’d be great
V3: I’m getting these mixed messages, so sort yourself out because . . .
CH: Together we’d be great
Mid 8: Maybe I’m reading this wrong, if I am then I’m sorry, I’m no stalker or freak, I’m just really like you, value you and even if you hadn’t thought of me that way then you should; now that I’ve put it out there because . . .
CH: Together we’d be great
CH: Together we’d be great
CH: Together we’d be great
Fade

On girls – she will love to be told she is attractive – particularly if you can be a bit sensitive about it (send her the song – chicks dig that), but don’t be beggar – you’ve got value too and if she only enjoys being chased and teases you to keep you on a string; then she is not the girl for you.

Think very very big sea - loads and loads of other fish

HTH

Burt
 
Thanks guys for all the great responses.

I personally think she is really flirty and I dont think im just being optimistic. She texts and says love you, and miss you to me all the time. I hadn't seen her for a week and today she saw me and jumped on me giving me a big hug. I dont know if she likes me as a really good friend or more then that and im stuck on this.

I like the first stanza of the verse because I don't think she likes me but yet theres still something in my mind that keeps thinking she may.

Even if she doesn't like me it doesn't change the fact that I still have alot of feelings for her and think about her all the time.

I know its a big sea but she just feels so right for me. ----- lol not meant to rhyme but could be a good line in a song.

I like the idea of changing we are on our way to are we on our way.
____
 
OK the texts and hugs sound pretty convincing – sometimes this is the problem with writing your own experience – because your opening lines come across as if you are potentially wishing for the relationship without any evidence – sort of in your head.

The detail you just gave however puts it out there, sort of presenting evidence for your side of the argument.

Even though you are in the middle of it, you’ve got to imagine the listener who has never heard this before and write the story you want them to hear. How do you want your character (not you) and her character (not necessarily her)in the song to be interpreted - sometimes reality needs a bit of refining.

At the moment it could sound like it is all in your head – but some line about the 'texts' and the 'way she hugs' you - not just touches you – suddenly make it clear that she is either leading you on or really likes you and want you to give her the excuse to leave the other guy.

I think Vs 3 should be more about how you are going to deal with the situation rather than expressing your jealousy for him – save that for the hate song you write if she ends up being a ‘tease’ and rejects your advances.

Burt
 
Whatmysay said:
OK the texts and hugs sound pretty convincing – sometimes this is the problem with writing your own experience – because your opening lines come across as if you are potentially wishing for the relationship without any evidence – sort of in your head.

The detail you just gave however puts it out there, sort of presenting evidence for your side of the argument.

Even though you are in the middle of it, you’ve got to imagine the listener who has never heard this before and write the story you want them to hear. How do you want your character (not you) and her character (not necessarily her)in the song to be interpreted - sometimes reality needs a bit of refining.

At the moment it could sound like it is all in your head – but some line about the 'texts' and the 'way she hugs' you - not just touches you – suddenly make it clear that she is either leading you on or really likes you and want you to give her the excuse to leave the other guy.

I think Vs 3 should be more about how you are going to deal with the situation rather than expressing your jealousy for him – save that for the hate song you write if she ends up being a ‘tease’ and rejects your advances.

Burt
Click to expand...

Burt, you've got some great songwriting tips here..... It will move this in the right direction for sure.... I've got to say that this relationship is classic material for a love song.... or a hate song lol....
 
Awesome thank you so much for the helpful tips I will definitely take all your advice into consideration. I hope I can make this one really touch home for me.
 
You think changing it to something like...

What if you would like me
and even thought to care about
Keep this fun thing, because you can not live without.

...would paint a better picture?
 
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