Sept. 11 lyrics

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lehnherr12

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I know it's probably hokey or even opportunistic to write a song about Sept. 11, but this song I wrote is only vaguely in reference to that day, although I think the relations is relatively clear.

I'd appreciate feedback, praise or constructive criticism, on these lyrics, or just your own thoughts that come to mind.


Title: "Beneath the Debris"

Black days come like flies
Blacker still for those who died
We've taken all we need
Drinking from a shallow sea

We saw the beggars by
Let the leaches bleed them dry
Behold the infant feast
Consuming those with none to eat

We yearn for entropy
generation apathy
never stopped to wonder why
put our trust in a simple lie

We bleed to survive
Following the simple life
Knee deep in suffering
Swimming in our apathy

Black rain taps the ground
A thousand lives are falling down
As God turns away
folds his hands and walks away

Great halls built to hide
All the things we meant to try
And the crown upon your head
Just a stain among the dead
 
Erm... not something I would buy. More like a poem anyway.
 
Maybe leave that stuff to Toby Keith and that Worley meathead and find a more original take, like writing about the last 3000 people to be killed by some jerk driving while on a cell phone.
 
Actually any assocation it has with 9/11 is not all that obvious. Nor does it come off (to me anyway) as a blatant heartstring yanker. I do think that whatever music you put it to will make it or break it.
 
That's kinda what I was thinking. Personally, I liked it because that association isn't obvious. Topics may get overdone, but it's always refreshing to see things said in a new and creative way. Good job.
 
My name is Toby

Thanks, worthwhile comments so far. Kind of amazing how two people can get so different reactions to it: from seeing it as an interesting take on 9/11, to a Toby Keith rip-off (which I surely hope it isn't!).
 
Any one else have any reactions? I surely appreciate it!
 
I like this. Personally, I'd reorder the verses, this seems to follow the story better for me:

We saw the beggars by
Let the leeches bleed them dry
Behold the infant feast
Consuming those with none to eat

Black days come like flies
Blacker still for those who died
We've taken all we need
Drinking from a shallow sea

We yearn for entropy
generation apathy
never stopped to wonder why
put our trust in a simple lie

We bleed to survive
Following the simple life
Knee deep in suffering
Swimming in our apathy

Great halls built to hide
All the things we meant to try
And the crown upon your head
Just a stain among the dead

Black rain taps the ground
A thousand lives are falling down
As God turns away
folds his hands and walks away
Click to expand...


I'd try to eliminate the repetition of 'apathy' and 'away'; maybe to "Swimming in our avarice" and "As God turns His cheek". Also consider using the "Black rain" verse as a refrain.
 
reorder

Good suggestions. Don't know if I'll re-order the verses or not, but something to think about. Thanks.
-d
 
reorder

Good suggestions. Don't know if I'll re-order the verses or not, but something to think about. I wrote most of the song, but I'm not the band's singer, so I suppose it's really up to him. We'll see; good insight. Thanks.
-d
 
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