Kingofpain678
Returned from the dead
No questions here, But I read this fairly long (and humorous) post about how to look cool on a recording forum.
I figured maybe a few newbies might catch this and have themselves a read.
Just substitute "studio central" with "HR".
Who am I kidding? no one is going to read this...
The Noob’s Guide To Looking Cool At Studio-Central
Below are a handful of excerpts from this comprehensive guide to being adored and appreciated by all users. You will learn how to be at the forefront of everyone’s mind as you make superior and distinguished contributions to the community by effectively mastering the concepts listed below, among others!
CHAPTER 1 - YOU KNOW BEST, AND WE KNOW NOTHING
Here at Studio-Central, the world revolves around one thing: you. Your ideas, experience, feelings, and well-being trump all else. We owe you quality guidance that addresses you on your level, that you can understand the first time around, and that requires no effort or follow-up on your part. Because you generously paid the price of one email address when you registered, we are forever indebted to you. Thank you for gracing us with your presence.
No matter who you are, you are smarter than everyone else; you may as well declare this any time you can. Affirm yourself often. The only reason others aren’t praising you is because they’re inarticulate fools! Question the expertise of others. You’re a professional too, after all: your band has a MySpace and played 3 gigs in two states last year. Image Here’s a little-known fact of the industry: once you own a condenser mic, you own a studio. So be sure to call yourself something respectable, like "The Brokenankleknuckle Two World Studios Records Factor Experience," and be sure to communicate that you are a producer for the aforementioned organization.
Don’t read your manual. The information therein is outdated and useless, just like the driver CD that came with your $20 USB interface. Come to Studio-Central and post up your question FIRST. Once you arrive, don’t search the forums either for the same reason you don’t read your manual. Finally, there is no such thing as "The Guide." It doesn't exist. It's a mental crutch.
Guitar center employees are godsends, so pit their advice against the experts here whenever possible. How else would you have found out that you needed a subwoofer? Isn’t music about what you feel? And they always know a good pair of monitors when they hear them: you can easily tell the difference between professional and amateur music on them, thus these speakers are all you need to crank out top-notch tunes.
If for some reason you, in your infinite wisdom, need to ask a question, do not provide a broad range of background information relating to your setup. Speak of the problems you’re having with your FireWire interface. When someone asks you what chipset you have, promptly slam them and inform them that you know what you’re doing. You're not stupid. You can't be: you’re using your FireWire to USB adapter cable, so the problem obviously lies not with the chipset.
Wield your age. When the 40+ year-olds give some input, be sure to tell them you can’t take them seriously because "technological advances have rolled over them.” Their place is in the garden and/or the corner booth at McDonalds, with 3 week-old coffee cups reminiscing about how great vinyl sounds. And when a teenager points out the absurd nature of your posts, quickly retreat to the nearest gathering of equally-knowledgeable adults and commend their “intelligence” and discuss how good it is to be socializing with them (and not some whippersnapper in the mixers forum). It’s not like kids can hop on google and learn how to do anything you could ever do and then some, now is it? Gosh, 50 years of procedural knowledge; you’re a genius! Make sure the kiddies know it.
If you can use the English language in a somewhat effective manner, then flaunt that ability. Nitpick others’ grammar; if their spelling is wrong, then so are they! The other side of the coin is just as important: if you never did learn how to talk; be sure to bash those whose can. I.E. if you’re pretty new to thinking in general and therefore have difficulty expressing yourself coherently, this should be your mantra: ”Watch out for people who try to dazzle you with big words and intellectual double-talk. They want to drag you off into endless arguments that never amount to anything. They spread their ideas through the empty traditions of human beings and the empty superstitions of spirit beings” (Col 2:8, MSG). You cannot be wrong, so expose the cogent arguments of your opponents for what they truly are. Here at Studio-Central, we censor facts, not opinions.
Everyone else is confusing; you cannot be confused. . . .
CHAPTER 3 - THE DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING USER
. . . The goal of this guide is to equip you with the tools you need to make sure everyone realizes what a great fiery ball of inspiration and brilliance you are. What better way can you do this besides posting with distinction? Nothing will set your posts apart from the rest in the forum like capital letters. Example: ”HELPPPPP MY MIX SOUNDED PRO BEFORE I EXPORTED ITTTTTT!” Widespread capitalization provides a strong sense of urgency for your post. And throngs of users will urgently flock to your topic and reply to it. Guaranteed. Symbols are another great way to establish yourself in the minds of other users: “+++dOeS NE1 h@ve ideas for **]]--mY--[[** NU setup???+++ ^~!”
Use smileys frequently. If you use them enough, people will start picturing your face as this guy:
. Now there is the face of a professional. And let’s not forget :lol:. Boy, if that doesn’t look like a doofus *I mean scholar*, what does? Some of you already look like this in the minds of the rest of us. And nothing increases the perceived IQ of a user than their inclusion of an :shock: or two in their posts. Truly the face of un-cluelessness.
Intent triumphs over content: Even if you don’t have a firm grip of the English language, post large portions of material that you think is witty and stimulating verbiage. You’ll be loved by all.
Post funky and obscure comments. A handful of people might think, ”Huh???”, but the majority of people will think, ”Wowww, what a Renaissance man. He’s a genius because I have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about.” One word or no word responses also command the reverence of others.
The first amendment applies only to YOU. If someone points out flaws a device you’re fond of, inform them that they ” . . . don’t have to use it if [they] don’t want to.” Such commentary is invaluable; the person you’re addressing likely isn’t aware of this insightful pebble of wisdom. If they dare to counter, tell them you’re sick of hearing them whine. Nothing fosters unity more than a sincere: ”Why don’t you just shut the hell up?”
Edit your post to read, ”Delete,” or more provocatively, ”deleat.” At present, there is no way to delete your own posts. The “X” button in the upper right section of your post is used for something else. Do this even if you’ve been quoted. You can always accuse people of fabricating quotes. That little “Last Edited By...” tag means nothing.
There is no place for sarcasm on this board; avoid it at all costs. . . .
CHAPTER 8 - SOCIAL DYNAMICS
. . . Complain about the forum’s configuration, moderation and/or overall environment. You, the new user, have been to THREE other forums and are an authority on the subject of online communities and have ideas superior to those of the brain behind Studio-Central (that has been running successfully 5+ years): ”The spam is out of hand.” “I think we need mods.” “I want a different ranking system.” “Stupid newbies aren’t respected.” “This theme is lame.” - Let's face it: moaning is sexy.
If you’re religious, be sure to confess to using pirating software. Your brethren will commend your zeal and courage, and heathens will be awestruck by your honesty.
Feel free to re-register with a new username after you’ve been banned. You know you were supposed to get an email reading, ”Just kidding!” Chances are that it was automatically placed in your junk mail box and deleted.
Obsess over post counts. Point out that post counts don’t reflect neither experience nor intelligence. Lots of people are probably dumb enough to think post counts really do reflect these (you must have been at one time, why else would you be providing such caution?). Is your post count too hefty? Solution: Create a new account! Then inform everyone that you’re still the same person. After all, this is the kind of behavior we want to promote here. Alternatively, you can go dig up and delete your old posts. Sure, this is the kind of thing that folks locked up in psych wards do, but they’re just misunderstood. Is your count shamefully small? Hide beneath the guise of warmth and friendliness and go rape the “Introduce Yourself” forum.
Speaking of the “Introduce Yourself” forum, be sure to include ”Long time lurker, first time poster” in your introduction. This verifies that the “Post count: 1” we’re all seeing isn’t a mistake. The ”first time poster” phrase is truly impressive when you post in the introduction forum after asking for advice in another forum: ”Long time lurker, first time poster.” “Post count: 2.” The rest of us might be bound by the space-time continuum, but you certainly aren’t!
You have a responsibility to classify spam topics as spam by responding to them. ”Spam.” Your service is ever-appreciated. Russian brides, gay sex, generic Viagra and cheap Soma? For all we know, we could be looking at Rick Levine’s latest gear list! So do your job and draw attention to gross spam.
“Happy Birthday” threads are fun. Especially a day or two after. Don’t bother saying ”Happy belated birthday, sorry I missed it...”. Just post the day after. People won’t think you’re still so drunk that you don’t know what day it is.
Cut no one any slack. Did you mention that you planned on upgrading your preamp? Did someone else have the audacity to later recommend a preamp upgrade (*gasp* perhaps even in another topic?)? Forcefully showcase their ignorance. ”If you bothered to read my post over HERE then you would have seen...” You know we all have RSS subscriptions to your posts. We just cannot get enough of you.
Bash those who enjoy the forum (whether they do so in moderation or not). ”In the grand scheme of things, wouldn’t it be wiser, more fulfilling and more mature to go fishing?” And don’t add these comments as jokes, but be serious and sincere! Doing so makes you look like NOT a donkeyhole. . . .
CHAPTER 13 - DEVELOPING A SIGNATURE LINE OF POSTS
. . . No user is respected if they don’t have an effective signature. Include your gearlist, preferably vertically. We all want to see half a page of Ibanez guitars attached to every comment you make.
Fill in your website in your profile so it shows up as a button at the bottom of your posts. Then include a URL to that website in your signature too. Advertising is good, and people like it.
Sign the body of your post AND put your name in your actual signature.
Whether you use the phpbb signature or not, SIGN EVERY POST YOU MAKE. Not only does this prevent you from looking like a serial killer, it also is official proof that your post met your standards of excellence (which, by the way, are the highest anywhere).
Quote people in your signature. ”Stupid things [user x] has said:” Or you can quote a random piece of advice a user once offered. You won’t look like a smarmy kiss@ss. . . .
CHAPTER 21 - THE MORE THE MERRIER
. . . Post a lot. Even if you know hardly anything about a topic, offer your 2 cents. It’s alright if you’re misinformed - the truth is you’re “helping” them. Besides, when other users click the “View Posts Since Last Visit” link and see your name at the end of every row, strong feelings of love and respect towards you will blossom within their hearts.
As long as you’re posting a lot, why not double post? People will know which one to reply to, and having several identical topics fosters coherent and meaningful dialogue between users.
Once you’ve double (or triple) posted your question, be sure to PM around twelve people with that question. They may have thousands of posts, but that doesn’t mean they read the forums. The truth is that the PM button is not there to use. Only to look at.
Make a “What is your favorite cheap pro mic...” thread, followed by a ”What is the best cheap pro mic” thread. Then add a THIRD topic in the “Polling Place” forum with all the devices users mentioned in your first two threads. A great title would be: ”Okay help me decide which cheap pro mic to get.” Fabulous.
You’ve waited half an hour, but no one’s replied to your topic! What’s the matter with them? Didn’t they see the “QUICK” part of your topic title: ”+++ I NEEDZ ME SOME QUICK ADVICES TO MAKE BEATS LIKE T-PAIN!!!!!!!!!!! +++”? Bump your topic a few times - sure to make people want to give you a well-written response.
Speak from “experience” (i.e. self-obsession). Talk about yourself extensively. Work hard to stretch topics into ones that involve yourself. Does a topic lightly touch on education and learning? Go right ahead with: ”Well at my school they blah blah blah...”. Need to set someone straight? ”Well I was once in car behind a guy with a sticker of a pro rapper and I make beats too so since I’m into straight up hip hop, the real deal from the streets, so take it from me bro, you really don’t need a good preamp.”
You need to make sure people know who you are, what you do, and why. Earnestly await them to ask you what your username means and why you chose it. . . .
EPILOGUE
. . . You are Prince. You are Madonna. You are outrageous. You are: a forum superstar. Now go out there and post like it. Image
I figured maybe a few newbies might catch this and have themselves a read.
Just substitute "studio central" with "HR".
Who am I kidding? no one is going to read this...
The Noob’s Guide To Looking Cool At Studio-Central
Below are a handful of excerpts from this comprehensive guide to being adored and appreciated by all users. You will learn how to be at the forefront of everyone’s mind as you make superior and distinguished contributions to the community by effectively mastering the concepts listed below, among others!
CHAPTER 1 - YOU KNOW BEST, AND WE KNOW NOTHING
Here at Studio-Central, the world revolves around one thing: you. Your ideas, experience, feelings, and well-being trump all else. We owe you quality guidance that addresses you on your level, that you can understand the first time around, and that requires no effort or follow-up on your part. Because you generously paid the price of one email address when you registered, we are forever indebted to you. Thank you for gracing us with your presence.
No matter who you are, you are smarter than everyone else; you may as well declare this any time you can. Affirm yourself often. The only reason others aren’t praising you is because they’re inarticulate fools! Question the expertise of others. You’re a professional too, after all: your band has a MySpace and played 3 gigs in two states last year. Image Here’s a little-known fact of the industry: once you own a condenser mic, you own a studio. So be sure to call yourself something respectable, like "The Brokenankleknuckle Two World Studios Records Factor Experience," and be sure to communicate that you are a producer for the aforementioned organization.
Don’t read your manual. The information therein is outdated and useless, just like the driver CD that came with your $20 USB interface. Come to Studio-Central and post up your question FIRST. Once you arrive, don’t search the forums either for the same reason you don’t read your manual. Finally, there is no such thing as "The Guide." It doesn't exist. It's a mental crutch.
Guitar center employees are godsends, so pit their advice against the experts here whenever possible. How else would you have found out that you needed a subwoofer? Isn’t music about what you feel? And they always know a good pair of monitors when they hear them: you can easily tell the difference between professional and amateur music on them, thus these speakers are all you need to crank out top-notch tunes.
If for some reason you, in your infinite wisdom, need to ask a question, do not provide a broad range of background information relating to your setup. Speak of the problems you’re having with your FireWire interface. When someone asks you what chipset you have, promptly slam them and inform them that you know what you’re doing. You're not stupid. You can't be: you’re using your FireWire to USB adapter cable, so the problem obviously lies not with the chipset.
Wield your age. When the 40+ year-olds give some input, be sure to tell them you can’t take them seriously because "technological advances have rolled over them.” Their place is in the garden and/or the corner booth at McDonalds, with 3 week-old coffee cups reminiscing about how great vinyl sounds. And when a teenager points out the absurd nature of your posts, quickly retreat to the nearest gathering of equally-knowledgeable adults and commend their “intelligence” and discuss how good it is to be socializing with them (and not some whippersnapper in the mixers forum). It’s not like kids can hop on google and learn how to do anything you could ever do and then some, now is it? Gosh, 50 years of procedural knowledge; you’re a genius! Make sure the kiddies know it.
If you can use the English language in a somewhat effective manner, then flaunt that ability. Nitpick others’ grammar; if their spelling is wrong, then so are they! The other side of the coin is just as important: if you never did learn how to talk; be sure to bash those whose can. I.E. if you’re pretty new to thinking in general and therefore have difficulty expressing yourself coherently, this should be your mantra: ”Watch out for people who try to dazzle you with big words and intellectual double-talk. They want to drag you off into endless arguments that never amount to anything. They spread their ideas through the empty traditions of human beings and the empty superstitions of spirit beings” (Col 2:8, MSG). You cannot be wrong, so expose the cogent arguments of your opponents for what they truly are. Here at Studio-Central, we censor facts, not opinions.
Everyone else is confusing; you cannot be confused. . . .
CHAPTER 3 - THE DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING USER
. . . The goal of this guide is to equip you with the tools you need to make sure everyone realizes what a great fiery ball of inspiration and brilliance you are. What better way can you do this besides posting with distinction? Nothing will set your posts apart from the rest in the forum like capital letters. Example: ”HELPPPPP MY MIX SOUNDED PRO BEFORE I EXPORTED ITTTTTT!” Widespread capitalization provides a strong sense of urgency for your post. And throngs of users will urgently flock to your topic and reply to it. Guaranteed. Symbols are another great way to establish yourself in the minds of other users: “+++dOeS NE1 h@ve ideas for **]]--mY--[[** NU setup???+++ ^~!”
Use smileys frequently. If you use them enough, people will start picturing your face as this guy:
. Now there is the face of a professional. And let’s not forget :lol:. Boy, if that doesn’t look like a doofus *I mean scholar*, what does? Some of you already look like this in the minds of the rest of us. And nothing increases the perceived IQ of a user than their inclusion of an :shock: or two in their posts. Truly the face of un-cluelessness.Intent triumphs over content: Even if you don’t have a firm grip of the English language, post large portions of material that you think is witty and stimulating verbiage. You’ll be loved by all.
Post funky and obscure comments. A handful of people might think, ”Huh???”, but the majority of people will think, ”Wowww, what a Renaissance man. He’s a genius because I have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about.” One word or no word responses also command the reverence of others.
The first amendment applies only to YOU. If someone points out flaws a device you’re fond of, inform them that they ” . . . don’t have to use it if [they] don’t want to.” Such commentary is invaluable; the person you’re addressing likely isn’t aware of this insightful pebble of wisdom. If they dare to counter, tell them you’re sick of hearing them whine. Nothing fosters unity more than a sincere: ”Why don’t you just shut the hell up?”
Edit your post to read, ”Delete,” or more provocatively, ”deleat.” At present, there is no way to delete your own posts. The “X” button in the upper right section of your post is used for something else. Do this even if you’ve been quoted. You can always accuse people of fabricating quotes. That little “Last Edited By...” tag means nothing.
There is no place for sarcasm on this board; avoid it at all costs. . . .
CHAPTER 8 - SOCIAL DYNAMICS
. . . Complain about the forum’s configuration, moderation and/or overall environment. You, the new user, have been to THREE other forums and are an authority on the subject of online communities and have ideas superior to those of the brain behind Studio-Central (that has been running successfully 5+ years): ”The spam is out of hand.” “I think we need mods.” “I want a different ranking system.” “Stupid newbies aren’t respected.” “This theme is lame.” - Let's face it: moaning is sexy.
If you’re religious, be sure to confess to using pirating software. Your brethren will commend your zeal and courage, and heathens will be awestruck by your honesty.
Feel free to re-register with a new username after you’ve been banned. You know you were supposed to get an email reading, ”Just kidding!” Chances are that it was automatically placed in your junk mail box and deleted.
Obsess over post counts. Point out that post counts don’t reflect neither experience nor intelligence. Lots of people are probably dumb enough to think post counts really do reflect these (you must have been at one time, why else would you be providing such caution?). Is your post count too hefty? Solution: Create a new account! Then inform everyone that you’re still the same person. After all, this is the kind of behavior we want to promote here. Alternatively, you can go dig up and delete your old posts. Sure, this is the kind of thing that folks locked up in psych wards do, but they’re just misunderstood. Is your count shamefully small? Hide beneath the guise of warmth and friendliness and go rape the “Introduce Yourself” forum.
Speaking of the “Introduce Yourself” forum, be sure to include ”Long time lurker, first time poster” in your introduction. This verifies that the “Post count: 1” we’re all seeing isn’t a mistake. The ”first time poster” phrase is truly impressive when you post in the introduction forum after asking for advice in another forum: ”Long time lurker, first time poster.” “Post count: 2.” The rest of us might be bound by the space-time continuum, but you certainly aren’t!
You have a responsibility to classify spam topics as spam by responding to them. ”Spam.” Your service is ever-appreciated. Russian brides, gay sex, generic Viagra and cheap Soma? For all we know, we could be looking at Rick Levine’s latest gear list! So do your job and draw attention to gross spam.
“Happy Birthday” threads are fun. Especially a day or two after. Don’t bother saying ”Happy belated birthday, sorry I missed it...”. Just post the day after. People won’t think you’re still so drunk that you don’t know what day it is.
Cut no one any slack. Did you mention that you planned on upgrading your preamp? Did someone else have the audacity to later recommend a preamp upgrade (*gasp* perhaps even in another topic?)? Forcefully showcase their ignorance. ”If you bothered to read my post over HERE then you would have seen...” You know we all have RSS subscriptions to your posts. We just cannot get enough of you.
Bash those who enjoy the forum (whether they do so in moderation or not). ”In the grand scheme of things, wouldn’t it be wiser, more fulfilling and more mature to go fishing?” And don’t add these comments as jokes, but be serious and sincere! Doing so makes you look like NOT a donkeyhole. . . .
CHAPTER 13 - DEVELOPING A SIGNATURE LINE OF POSTS
. . . No user is respected if they don’t have an effective signature. Include your gearlist, preferably vertically. We all want to see half a page of Ibanez guitars attached to every comment you make.
Fill in your website in your profile so it shows up as a button at the bottom of your posts. Then include a URL to that website in your signature too. Advertising is good, and people like it.
Sign the body of your post AND put your name in your actual signature.
Whether you use the phpbb signature or not, SIGN EVERY POST YOU MAKE. Not only does this prevent you from looking like a serial killer, it also is official proof that your post met your standards of excellence (which, by the way, are the highest anywhere).
Quote people in your signature. ”Stupid things [user x] has said:” Or you can quote a random piece of advice a user once offered. You won’t look like a smarmy kiss@ss. . . .
CHAPTER 21 - THE MORE THE MERRIER
. . . Post a lot. Even if you know hardly anything about a topic, offer your 2 cents. It’s alright if you’re misinformed - the truth is you’re “helping” them. Besides, when other users click the “View Posts Since Last Visit” link and see your name at the end of every row, strong feelings of love and respect towards you will blossom within their hearts.
As long as you’re posting a lot, why not double post? People will know which one to reply to, and having several identical topics fosters coherent and meaningful dialogue between users.
Once you’ve double (or triple) posted your question, be sure to PM around twelve people with that question. They may have thousands of posts, but that doesn’t mean they read the forums. The truth is that the PM button is not there to use. Only to look at.
Make a “What is your favorite cheap pro mic...” thread, followed by a ”What is the best cheap pro mic” thread. Then add a THIRD topic in the “Polling Place” forum with all the devices users mentioned in your first two threads. A great title would be: ”Okay help me decide which cheap pro mic to get.” Fabulous.
You’ve waited half an hour, but no one’s replied to your topic! What’s the matter with them? Didn’t they see the “QUICK” part of your topic title: ”+++ I NEEDZ ME SOME QUICK ADVICES TO MAKE BEATS LIKE T-PAIN!!!!!!!!!!! +++”? Bump your topic a few times - sure to make people want to give you a well-written response.
Speak from “experience” (i.e. self-obsession). Talk about yourself extensively. Work hard to stretch topics into ones that involve yourself. Does a topic lightly touch on education and learning? Go right ahead with: ”Well at my school they blah blah blah...”. Need to set someone straight? ”Well I was once in car behind a guy with a sticker of a pro rapper and I make beats too so since I’m into straight up hip hop, the real deal from the streets, so take it from me bro, you really don’t need a good preamp.”
You need to make sure people know who you are, what you do, and why. Earnestly await them to ask you what your username means and why you chose it. . . .
EPILOGUE
. . . You are Prince. You are Madonna. You are outrageous. You are: a forum superstar. Now go out there and post like it. Image
