Requesting rites of passage

[ashen godwinn]

I wrote a song that was very personal and after I played it through the 1st time had me reaching for the tissue box (but hey, I'm no wimp!). After I played that song the one below just kind of fell out of me. The song is essentially about how we gain emotional inhibitions with age. It's played in E and I (try to) pick the chords. I'm typing these words here because I've don't know any songwriters and I'm looking to be categorized and critiqued. If you have time and interest please do both.


Have You Cried Today

Water flows from children’s eyes, like April snows down mountain sides
But older eyes are winter bound and frozen tears won’t touch the ground

I’d ask if you have cried today or should I start with different days
This week, last month, within the year, when last have your eyes shown some fear

What makes us change from souls laid bare to people who must hide our cares
Beneath the January snows lies new life when water flows

Chorus
Have you cried today, have you cried today
Like leaves that turn from green to gold, to reach the end one must let go
Don’t fight what’s building up inside, see the world through children’s eyes
I know you’re strong, it’s not the same, it’s who we are, have you cried today

September is a favorite time of year, mornings crisp and evenings clear
But all looks different through a bloodshot veil, on September 12th life looked frail

Young and old, weak and strong, there’s just one way to absorb such wrong
Bring some in and let some go, its nature’s way to clean the soul

But remember how it felt not to feel ok, many lives still live that way
Lest we forget what being human’s about, don’t keep it in let some feeling out

Chorus

 

[andyhix]

I think this is really well done. It flows really nice and has very strong ideas and emotions. The only thing remotely critical I can offer is maybe a suggestion to change the Sep. 12 line. I think as you read through the song, or listen to it, those who were personally affected by 9/11 will naturally be brought back there on their own. Those that didn't have a personal loss on 9/11 probably have other similar tragic points in their life that they can then be reminded of. I guess I'm saying it may be best to leave it a little more vague, so that it can reach and affect a larger audience. But that's just my opinion.

Nice work.

 

[mikeh]

Nice work, the continuing theme of the seasons (as a reference to the aging process) is always an effective technique.

I agree that perhaps the specific reference to 9/11 may force the interpretation of the words in a given direction (up to that line I was not anticipating a connection with 9/11).

However, that small personal opinion aside, I thought the words were well crafted and sensitive with just enough freedom to allow the reader (listener) to interpret in more than one way and likely relate on various levels.

 

[ashen godwinn]

I agree that perhaps the specific reference to 9/11 may force the interpretation of the words in a given direction (up to that line I was not anticipating a connection with 9/11).

After I finished the first 3 verses (what's the technical name for the pieces before the chorus?) I was kind of stumped. Then I thought, what was a really emotional time, and that's where the September reference came from. It wasn't originally part of the deal; I guess that's why it's so easy to spot as an inconsistency.

Thanks.

 

[ashen godwinn]

Thanks for the feedback. It's pleasing to know the part that has always kind of bugged me is the one that's spotted as the weakest link.

 

[andyhix]

just to clarify, I kinda like the vague reference to the month in general, since you do sorta work around a "seasons" theme, I'm just not as crazy about the specific date mention.

 

[Rokket]

Another thing to consider is that the farther removed from 9/11 we get, the more the emotional ties to that date lose their fire. Taking that line out (changing it so that it's more vague) will allow the listener to attach their own personal tragedy to your song, and effect a wider scope of the audience...


Nice work, though.... It's how I am struggling to write at this time....