Rate My Lyrics

[Josh English]

I was having so much fun reading other people lyrics and other people opinions of them that I thought I'd post the lyrics to one of my own songs and see what people think. Here goes...


Song to Myself

I stumble along on the bring of destruction
While telephone books and religious abductions
Corroding the mind of the people who believe what they say
And I sacrifice blood and I sacrifice sweat
For a pat on the back and lit cigarette
And the fan’s that would just as quickly walk away

And what do you think that you’re doing now?
With your heart attack and your love at first sight
There’s nothing for me to think about
But still something keeps me up at night

Late when I’m writing in bed before sleep
These casual nightmares, they don’t come cheap
I must offer up my sense of who I am
And if you see me one day and I look like I’ve grown
Much more mature and little more known
Maybe then we touch each other

But why am I sitting alone in my bed
Singing to my dresser who doesn’t respond
Sights and sounds pass through my head
And still I must go on

So pack up your suitcase fill your pockets with change
Don’t come back here till you think I’ve changed
I’m not changing who I am, just to play along
And although I do wish that you’d hold me sometimes
I don’t think about it all of the time
Just when I’m not playing guitar and singing songs

I bid goodbye to pleasure, goodbye to pain, I’m leaving
The only part of me I think will remain is my music




Ok so it may have a cheesy title... I was never good at naming songs... still interested in what you think.

 

[Fat_Satchel]

Its got some great use of imagery..perhaps too much. It doesnt really say anything to me. I dont get the point of it if ya know what I mean.

As for the title, some people will say that if you cant sing the chorus and get the title then you havent created the hook yet...or something like that hehe...dont quite remember it exactly, but I cant find the chorus to this so I guess theres no hook either.

Theres some really great lines here that should be defined a bit more. The first verse tripped me up from the start cus theres something drastically wrong with the use of Tense here

"while telephone books and religious abductions corroding the mind of the people..."

This does not sound right...

Me personally, Id do some rewriting to better define the point of the song and use that imagery to really say something specific.

Good Luck!

 

[mikeh]

I agree with Satchel - while you have a talent for phases that evoke certain images, you need work on the craft.

You seem to bounce form Ist person to 2nd person (who's view is this narrative???)

While the reader gets an opinion that the main person is suffering angst (perhaps from some frustration as a singer?) the story does not reaaly lead to a specific place (it appears that someone leaves - but you tell one person to pack thier bags, and them you indicate "I'm leaving" - who is leaving????)

If you work on your craft (to perfect the beginning/middle/end) and remember that most "good" songs need a specific chorus/hook - and combine those improved skills with your ability to creat images, and you may become a good writer.

 

[mikeh]

I agree with Satchel - while you have a talent for phases that evoke certain images, you need work on the craft.

You seem to bounce form Ist person to 2nd person (who's view is this narrative???)

While the reader gets an opinion that the main person is suffering angst (perhaps from some frustration as a singer?) the story does not reaaly lead to a specific place (it appears that someone leaves - but you tell one person to pack thier bags, and them you indicate "I'm leaving" - who is leaving????)

If you work on your craft (to perfect the beginning/middle/end) and remember that most "good" songs need a specific chorus/hook - and combine those improved skills with your ability to creat images, and you may become a good writer.

 

[Josh English]

Hmm... I see what you both mean to a degree, although I disagree with what you say about the chorus. This isn't really a pop song. If anything it is more influenced by older folk musicians such as Bob Dylan (who rarely used repeated vocals choruses, especially in his folk work.) My lyrics have a tendency to be rather stream of conciousness. I tried to create a feeling of lonelyness throughout the song which I think I succeeded at, but then again I wrote it, so I might be making assumptions that don't hold true. Does "lonelyness" come through in the song in your opinions?

I purposely didn't stick to one particular topic. As I said I was trying to create a feeling of lonelyness, and I didn't want that to be held specific to on particular thing.

Oh and sorry the first verse is supposed "Are corroding the minds of the people..."

Anyway thanks for your opinions, but keep in mind... this isn't a pop song. Haha... sorry if that sounded a bit defensive... didn't mean it to.

 

[van.]

Lacks convincing narrative focus that might help me to care about what you're saying. It comes accross as the meanderings of a bored mind. Not exactly riveting material for a song. It verges on humorous here and there, but never really gets there. You might look at Mercer's lyrics in the last two Shins albums for similar subject matter handles with more humor, creativity, and lyric density.

Keep on,

van.

 

[Garry Sharp]

Josh - my subjective views and feel free to ignore them - but you did ask for views.

I agree that there's no need to follow verse / chorus rules if you are not writing commercially (or if you're Bob Dylan ). I also thought you had some great lines in there - casual nightmares not coming cheap is an inspired thought.

But, commercial or not, any set of lyrics needs discipline and focus, and what you seem to have done is put a series of words about two or three related disaffections into a long string, and then ended with (?) a hint of suicide which is an extremely heavy topic to drop in at the end like that.

If you were to go back through it with a view to removing one of the themes and half the words, you'd have something with a much clearer message and the starting point for a robust coherent set of lyrics.

You have a great way with words.

Garry

 

[joro]

If anything it is more influenced by older folk musicians such as Bob Dylan (who rarely used repeated vocals choruses, especially in his folk work.)

wha?

ok....so there are no rules but, the meter and aliteration in this lyric vary.....
is there music for this?
The music needs to be cohesive and repeatative to be what a normal person would call good...therefore...the lyric must fit the music...

I would be very interested in hearing this recorded man....
You use good imagery and there is indeed emotion...but, do you convey your message/story to the audience?

It doesn't have to be a POP song to do that...ya know?

Take it easy man,
Joe