Rabbit In a Cage

[LI_Slim]

Here is something I'm working on. There is music too but I'm not recording just yet. Please give me your reaction....


"Rabbit In a Cage" (c) Larry Kolker 2004

Verse #1:
I'm just a rabbit in a cage
Munching on a scap of sweet romain
I see no bars, I feel no pain
More will just appear when none remains

Chorus:
I don't wanna be your rabbit man
I don't want to jump at shadows
Hide my face in my own skin.
Baby do you wanna take a stand?
Put your little hand in mine
And lock eyes for just one minute
Act like the whole world depends on you.

Verse #2:
I'm so well behaved
And you see my fear as disregard
Everyone's afraid
That is why they look at you so hard

Chorus

Verse #3:
I want to tell you everything I feel the moment that is strikes me baby,
And I know that you'll take me for who I am even though you won't like it sometimes,
So many people that I see are like rabbits in a cage baby,
They seem docile but they lash out in rage 'cause they can't see outside themselves,

Chorus

 

[Aaron Cheney]

I always get a kick out of your songs, Larry. I like the fact that you know the songwriting "rules", but you just keep writing your own kind of stuff. As Randy Jackson would say: Ya Dogg, you do your own thing. You make it your own, dogg.

First of all, "scap" is misspelled. You call your self a songwriter?!

Seriously:

"More will just appear when none remains" is a cool line.

In verse 1, line one has no rhyme and lines 2,3,and 4 all rhyme...cool. But verse two does the old 1&3, 2&4 rhyme scheme. I like the verse 1 way better. Then verse three! How in the world is that going to fit? It reads more like a bridge.

Then the chorus rhyme scheme eludes me. Maybe it's supposed to - that would be just like you!


But this line brought and instant image into my head:

"So many people that I see are like rabbits in a cage baby,
They seem docile but they lash out in rage 'cause they can't see outside themselves"

I immediately thought - "And on the count of three, though shalt lobbest thy Holy Hand Grenade... and three shall be the count. If though countest four, it shall be too many. And if though countest two it shall be too few, unlessest though shall then proceed to three...

Not sure if that's what you were after, but those are my honest reactions.

A
www.aaroncheney.com

 

[LI_Slim]

Thanks so much for your supportive comments Aaron. I really appreciate them. I do believe that you need to know the rules in order to break them.

Well, if you look at the first two verses as having a 2/4 rhyme scheme, they are consistent. It's just that they each have a different stray additional rhyme (or near-rhyme)

The chorus has kind of a 1/3 scheme (man ... stand)


I thought the third verse might seem curious. The first two verses have a few long held notes while fingerstyle stuff is going on on the guitar (not a typo). The third verse is supposed to sound like all the feelings are just spilling out in a torrent of words, consistent with the theme of the song. You could say that the message is the medium. I'm afraid it might be a little vague though.

-L

 

[tanlith]

Mmmmmm.... bunny love......

*droooooooooooollll*

DOH!!!

- Tanlith -