quite so openly

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MessianicDreams

MessianicDreams

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hey everybody,

well this is the first time that i post any stuff in this forum...tell me what you think (be as brutal as you need to - i don't bruise easily :D ). the lyrics are kinda weak i know, but i can't seem to write good lyrics right now (now?? ever i mean heh...). i'm perticularly skeptical about the second verse. but there is a story behind that second verse...i wrote the song for my girlfriend, and i hadnt found a second verse yet. i showed her this one evening (when i happened to be just a lil' drunk) and i kept on screwing the words up - inversing the order of words and stuff. so that where it came from. hope you enjoy the song...

cheers,
MD

www.nowhereradio.com/messianicdreams/singles

lyrics:
Verse I
She looks so bright in the morning light
Standing next to me, holding my hand
It makes me feel so right to know
she's lying next to me when i wake up at night
her presence calms me in any situation
that i cannot control
and it's always nice to know
that she feels the same way about me
although she doesnt, she doesnt say it quite so openly

Chorus:
and she's always there
and i guess its not fair
that i feel so good
because of her

Verse II
she moves so gracefully when i sing this song
and she always sings along
She never gets mad, if ever i sing it wrong
she just claps and laughs
i love her so much, that it hurts
when i'm not with her
and it's always nice to know
that she feels the same way about me
although she doesnt, she doesnt state it quite so openly
 
I can’t listen at work (bastards blocked NWR & mp3 downloads :mad: ) so this is kind of a bump for me to remember to listen at home.

A couple of quick things off the top…

In the structure you wrote this in (Verse Chorus Verse Chorus) the hook (in this case I think you want your hook to be the song title) typically is in the Chorus. Another option would be to have a Verse-Verse-Verse-Verse type structure where your hook is in each different verse (typically it is in the last line, but not always). Or a Verse-Verse-Bridge-Verse structure where the hook is at the end of each verse and may or may not be in the Bridge. The way you have it now the chorus sounds insignificant to the song when it should be where the point is driven home. In fact, it almost seems to me you could reverse some of the ideas in the first verse and chorus to an extent. Keep in mind I am looking at this quickly from work ;).

The rhyme scheme seems a little loose. I see some rhyming going on, but it doesn’t seem consistent.

I think you have a pretty nice idea and a reasonable hook in “Not quite so openly”. I think this song is definitely worth some added attention. Rewrites are not beyond reason. I have done multiple rewrites on songs in the past (sometimes it helped, sometimes not :D). I am anxious to listen to it to see how everything fits together in the music.

:)
 
Jagular said:

The rhyme scheme seems a little loose. I see some rhyming going on, but it doesn’t seem consistent.
Click to expand...

all will be made clear when you listen to it jagular...it's just kinda messed up to write down....you'll see. i'll keep in mind those structural ideas...and i think that the second verse will need more work on it if indeed it is to stay.
thanks for listening,

MD
 
Wow. Yeah, Jag you need to listen to the mp3.

MD its sounding really good. I love that e gtr on the right. The song up to the 50 sec mark is just one big hook, IMHO. My only advice would be consider not singing the second part of the first verse (50 sec - 1:20) without the same melody, so as not to lose the impact for when you do hear it. You have such a good voice. Don't put it to waste by singing so well all the way through!! lol

I'm assuming you didnt mean for this to be the final mix? If it was, then I'd just suggest having a different instrumental element added for the second parts of each verse, as they are long.

The lyrics are fine - they work into the song great and nothing really sticks out like a sore thumb.

Basically if you call the 'chorus' a 'bridge', you've got the non-chorus structure Jag rightly recommended, a la 'Groovy Kind of Love'.

Hope its not long till it graces the mp3 mixing clinic MD!
 
Rodeo said:

My only advice would be consider not singing the second part of the first verse (50 sec - 1:20) without the same melody, so as not to lose the impact for when you do hear it.
Click to expand...

not too sure i understand what you mean - are you sayin sing the second part of the first verse with a different melody?


I'd just suggest having a different instrumental element added for the second parts of each verse, as they are long.
Click to expand...

i thought that too, but the problem is i don't have/can't play any other instruments...any suggestions ? and do you mean that, say if for the first verse i add a bass in, that the bass would continue through the whole song?? i kinda like that idea....builds up the song gradually


Hope its not long till it graces the mp3 mixing clinic MD!
Click to expand...

i actually posted this song there, and got almost no response (a few initial suggestions, i re-mixed it and got no more replies - i just assumed that it was so bad they put me down to being without hope :D i wouldn't be surprised as i'm only 16 and been recording for about....a week and a half so.....

thanks for comments and time taken to listen to this - i really appreciate it rodeo!!

cheers,
MD
 
MD,

I like your story, and I can just see your lady dancing and clapping for you as you play it. (sigh) I've written a song or two for a lady or two...

For a week and a half recording you are doing well- that slide guitar sounds very clear. The lead vocal is also clear and up front. My guess is that you only have one mic? I'd record a second rythm guitar exactly like the first and pan one almost all the way right and the other left. If you have 2 of the same mics, try stereo micing. Have you seen Harvey Gerst's big mic thread over in the Mic Forum? A must read.

Lyrically, there are times when you are dragging words out and then jumbling a bunch together. I find that a little distracting at times- sounds like you're squeezing words. You know, though, if the lady is happy who cares? The slower passages sound really good.

Good tune. I'm still smiling thinkg of your lady dancing, singing and laughing. I guess she's making me happy, too. :)

Take care,
Chris
 
Chris,

thanks for you input. you're right guessing that i only have the one mic (SM58)...but will shortly be recieving a SP B3...can't wait. until then the single 58'll have to do. i'll try your suggestion of recording a second rhythm guitar and pan the two of them. could i just copy the original guitar part onto another track and pan it...or would that sound crappy?

glad to hear my song makes you smile - it has the same effect on ma girl :)

cheers,
MD
 
MD,

I really liked some of your lyrics, they don't seem contrived and aren't predictable.

I wrote something kind of like that, though maybe not so positive. It's called Girl Trouble and is quite poppy. Take a listen on www.song-central.com

Keep at it MD!
 
MD,

If you just copy your guitar track and pan it hard left and right- you just get mono. That's what mono is: the same signal at equal volumes in both speakers. Having a slightly different performance in both speakers gives it the depth that you're looking for.

Enjoy that B3! I've got a couple C1's and I'm impressed with Studio Projects products. The C3 has more variability, too, so you'll have fun with it for a while. The 58 will keep serving you well, too. Its a good mic and you did really well with in on the vocals and the slide guitar.

Take care,
Chris
 
neil---> i checked out your song...and i like it. i like it alot actually. i wish i had more instruments...think i'll hafta invest in a keyboard (if i ever manage to get enough money). i like your website too.

chris---> i tried copying a guitar track onto another track last night...and it had the result you said. so instead i'm gonna record another track. but it'll hafta wait, cuz world war 3 is going on in my garden (the mains water pipe broke last week, and it turns out they're gonna have to replace the pipe ALL the way into the house...so i've got 5 guys outside digging trenches in my garden, and cutting holes in the cement in my garage, as the pipe goes through my garage, with pneumatic drills, and diggers and god know what else) and it's making so much noise...you can't image. GRRRR how annoying

cheers,
MD
 
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