Pretty Lies

[esull1985]

Hey, I think this is about my 3rd or 4th lyric post on here. Thanks for the replies on the last one, but what do y'all think about this? Good, bad, neither?

Oh and for the record, this song is entirely depressing, lyrically and musically. It kinda makes me sad that I could write something so depressing.

Pretty Lies
By Eddie Sullivan

[verse1]
All the fancy houses
built on pretty lies,
will all come hard tumblin' down
one of these days, in due time.

[verse2]
Where they've been, what they've made,
they trade it away like cards.
In this life livin' in the past,
hardens even the softest of hearts.

[chorus type thing]
That's why I wanna do it just to do it,
and not think about why.
To leap off a plane, floating,
deep in the sky...

[verse3]
Time rubbed in our faces,
mirroring our lives.
It's just another of his games,
all based on playing with knives.

[chorus type thing2]
To leap off a plane, floating,
deep in the sky.
And forget all my shallow fears,
that keep leaving me blind...

Is all I ask for before I lay down, alone in my bed
on a cold sunday morning and die.

 

[jeffrydada]

I think overall you have a good thing here. There are a couple things that bother me though.
1) you are missing a good hook. The chorus(s) need to be stronger, when I read lyrics it is easier to get a visual image of what you are trying to present, if I was only listening to a completed song I would have been lost after verse 2. Depressing as it may be the chorus still needs to hook the listener in and hold their interest.
2) Verses 1 and 2 have no rhyme pattern, verse 3 has a ryhme in line 2 and 4, either 3 needs to be fixed to match 1 & 2 or 1&2 need to match 3.
3) the chorus does the same thing, the first one has a rhyme on lines 2&4 the 2nd chorus does not (I tried to make why and blind rhyme I just can't) making the chorus hookier (more hooky?) may solve this. The chorus should repeat itself word for word if you want people to remember the song.
4) It's just another of his games,
all based on playing with knives. - whose games? All the other verses I could connect with but you lost me here, maybe I'm just old and don't get it
There is good potential here, the ideas and concepts all have the beginnings of a good product. I would definately like to hear a completed work. Keep writing!
J.

 

[Smile]

HI Esull

Overall this is a great start.

Pretty Lies
By Eddie Sullivan

[verse1]
All the fancy houses
built on pretty lies,
will all come hard tumblin' down
one of these days, in due time.

(excellent IMO..the rhyme is not an exact rhyme but it is there. I write many that are not exact rhymes.)

[verse2]
Where they've been, what they've made,
they trade it away like cards.
In this life livin' in the past,
hardens even the softest of hearts.

(again..not an exact rhyme..but they rhyme is there.. and again..very well done verse)

[chorus type thing]
That's why I wanna do it just to do it,
and not think about why.
To leap off a plane, floating,
deep in the sky...

(this IMO needs help..it has nothing to do with the verses at all..you don't say anything in the verses about a plane..or jumping out of one.
the chorus needs to tie all the verses together in some way..one overall consensus or thought.. with a strong hook/line that you can use for your title)

[verse3]
Time rubbed in our faces,
mirroring our lives.
It's just another of his games,
all based on playing with knives.

(again very good.. but like above.. *who's games?*)

[chorus type thing2]
To leap off a plane, floating,
deep in the sky.
And forget all my shallow fears,
that keep leaving me blind...

(diddo what I said above)

Is all I ask for before I lay down, alone in my bed
on a cold sunday morning and die.

(and here...yet another thing not touched on in the verses...laying in bed and dying. and no rhyme here really. the bridge as this could be called..or outtro..depending on where it sits in the music should be a thought that forwards the song... takes it in a new direction..still tied in with the old.)

overall a great start.. IMO I would take the first 2 verses and expand on the idea's in them.

Smile