Post Secret - any thoughts appreciated

[Tornandfrayed]

Hi All. . .

I'm a complete newbie to this and would appeciate your thoughts on my first attempt at recording. . .I appreciate the vocals are super weak and the drums kinda non-existent. . . .but would appreciate thoughts on the melody and tone etc, before I re-do everything properly . . .

Any help appreciated.

http://www.lightningmp3.com/live/file.php?id=25032

I'm scared and so afraid
This loveless life has paid
For nothing that has meaning
Something so demeaning

I'm scared and so cold
This loveless life has sold
That which gave me hope
for a piece to help me cope


no-one saw my broken skin


scared and so alone
This loveless life is prone
To kisses with the razor
Scars they last forever

I'm scared and drinkin' gin
This loveless life's a sin
For dancin' on the tubes
Passing round the lubes


scared and running out of time
For this loveless life to find
someone to dull the pain
A way to shed the shame

I'm scared and so befeft
when I draw my final breath
This loveless life will be
Alone in misery


no-one saw my broken skin

 

[Dark Imagery]

The atmosphere of the song was great. The whole song had kind of a beach-at-night feel. The vocal melody was quite relaxing and the chilled out guitar solo fit very well and the guitar tone was perfect.

However, the AABB rhyming scheme was cheesy imo, the guitars drowned the vocals out, and the whacky drums that came in for a second just didn't work at all.

 

[SEDstar]

Hmmm...

Hmmm... for a rough song idea, its "alive". It has something to it. Excellent show, thats the hardest part, I should think. The inspiration, the seed.

Editors note: i am no expert! I only know what I like, or, dont like. I LIKE this, this seedling.

Large parts of the lyrics work, for the most part. In places where the lyrics dont work, or fit... I find myself hearing the singer in my head (I cant myself sing...) singing it differently, but with largely the same words.

The music, the guitar... is also largely working.

The poster above mentioned the cheesy aspect of the rhyming schema. That doesnt bother me; some really famous songs sound cheesier than this when you just read the lyrics, the song itself sounds lots better.

there's some imagery here thats good. You have to think a LITTLE to kep up, but no so much it comes off as pretentious or hard to follow.

"No one saw my broken skin". The beat or rhythm of singing this line, needs changed in my opinion. The singer in my head does it at first more softly, then opens UP on this line later on when it re-occcurs.

here and there you slow down, then speed back up. I'm not sure if its good or bad, but I am drawn to it, to look at this aspect. I wonder if when you are slowing down, you shouldnt rather be PAUSING a certain number of beats, but keeping the whole thing in a more coherent timing. Playing with a metronome o click track, you could simply skip every pther beat to achieve the "slowdown" without losing tempo?

some massaging of the lyrics, and how they are delivered, naturally... would come with more work on this seedling. I think perhaps it has potential to grow into somethign bigger.

this seedling has potential to grow into a tree, and the thee to bear good fruit, I should think. Think about working on JUST THIS for quite som time, see where you end up. or, coming back to it constantly when you get stuck.

you can come back to drums later, or, collab with someone who can write a simple drum line for you to work on it. I'd keep spending my major time on playing guitar to it, and getting the rhythm and feel down, and massaging the lyrics and delivery of the lyrics down...

but as a seedling, it couldnt be better, in my humble opinion.