Please critique lyric: "Masquerade Mansion"

[Cheeky Monkey]

I know this song is long and not really radio-friendly. Most of mine are in the 3 - 4 min. range. I wanted to do something different with this one. I'd say the style is sorta folk/progressive rock. It's not recorded in any form that could be presented. I'm interested in any feedback, but in particular, does the story work (on some level, or is it just corny)? Thanks in advance.

MASQUERADE MANSION (6:10)
Copyright, Tom Guertin All Rights Reserved

Intro Spoken to light chorus music
Moonlight - casts a spell over Masquerade Mansion
Enchanted home of a rich man
Long since laid to rest
In life - he'd forsaken the love of his only companion
To atone, his spirit hosts galas
Saves the souls of invited guests

(Slight pause, then brief verse music intro with lead sax)

Verse
Tonight, she’s a 24-carat gold-digger
Blessed with natural beauty
A coquette dressed to kill
Feels right, lost inside her vanity mirror
Rides a limousine service
To the house on the hill

Build
But Victoria’s anguish
Lies deep in her heart
Behind her outer strength
A china doll longing for a savior

Chorus
She hides behind her disguise at Masquerade Mansion
Believes that riches will heal the pain of her youth
Unaware of the force that resides at Masquerade Mansion
Where guests dawn a facade but must reveal their truth

Verse
Tonight, he’s a big-game fortune hunter
A natural charmer
So suave and debonair
Spotlight, nobody steals his thunder
Drives a rented Mercedes
To the lavish affair

Build
With Victoria’s secret
James shares a bond
Behind his outer strength
A broken man longing for a savior

Chorus
He hides behind his disguise at Masquerade Mansion
Believes that riches will heal the pain of his youth
Unaware of the force that resides at Masquerade Mansion
Where guests dawn a facade but must reveal their truth

Verse
The Grand Hall hosts a banquet like no other
Elaborate costumes
Swing to sounds of big band (music given a brief big-band sound)
Gold-digger turns to see fortune hunter
Walk across the room
And reach for her hand

Build
Victoria stands bewildered
As she sees beyond his mask
Drawn to a kindred spirit
And feels no danger

James kneels down before her
Kisses the back of her hand
Embraces a kindred spirit
And not a stranger

Chorus
Love conquers disguise with the magic of Masquerade Mansion
Love heals the pain of its patrons wronged in their youth
Loneliness dies with the magic of Masquerade Mansion
Guests leave with the love of their life and a deal with the truth

Bridge
James and Victoria confide their sadness
With a trust that was heaven-sent
Both abandoned by impoverished parents
They tried to hide behind fancy dress...
Tried to buy happiness...
But always bought a whole lot less...

Chorus
They conquered disguise with the magic of Masquerade Mansion
Healed the pain and the scars derived in their youth
Their loneliness died with the magic of Masquerade Mansion
They leave with the love of their life and a deal with the truth

Tag
Leave with the love of their life and a deal with the truth

 

[mshilarious]

I'm interested in any feedback, but in particular, does the story work (on some level, or is it just corny)? Thanks in advance.

The story works. It's a classic one; similar to "Lying Eyes" for example (although that didn't have a happy ending).

I have three comments:

- The premise in the intro is never returned to. I expected some sort of supernatural intervention, but didn't get it in the rest of the song. I actually expected something kind of creepy, like Vincent Price should voiceover the intro, but later their love is "heaven-sent".

- There are a lot of details--names, cars, etc. Generally a popular song is designed to be vague so that the listener can apply it to their own life situation.

- The lyric "gold-digger" strongly biases the listener against Victoria, such that it's hard to be sympathetic. Contrast that with "Lying Eyes", where we don't end up hating the woman even though she's basically a gold-digging floozy.


OK, four: errata in chorus: "don" rather than "dawn".

 

[Garry Sharp]

Yes, I think the story works too. This is potentially good stuff. I don't think love can conquer a disguise though - it might dissolve it, peel it off, strip it, whatever. (Not see through it, there are enough cliches in this forum as it is )

I reckon your next job is removing about 30%, at least, of the lyrics and preserving the story. It can be done and would give you a strong set of lyrics.

Anyway, as always, subjective and take or leave as you please.

Best

Garry

 

[mikeh]

Good story line - creative lyrical phrases.

I found myself interested in how the story line would develop (vs. simply reading the words) which speaks well of your writing.

I agree with Mr. Sharp, it may be wise to find a way to condense the story a little (perhaps one less chorus).

The one thing that struck me (in a negative way) - the intro voice over is an elegant oratory, but then the 1st line of the song has the phrase "24 carat gold digger" - which to me is a cliche' pop phrase (it almost seems to cheapen the elegant intro).

All in all - I enjoyed reading about James & Victoria.

 

[Garry Sharp]

Mr Sharp??? That's Garry to you

 

[lala]

I think by giving them names, James and Victoria, it allows the reader/listener to relate the lyric to specific people, but it is a very creative and usefull technique.

Overall I really liked it. It has good story progression and is well designed lyrically as well.

Keep working on it. Try recording it to hear for yourself how it sounds. Good luck.

~la

 

[nave]

Using Names Effectively in Art.

When I hear songs with names in them I often, as a songwriter, pay attention to what the names mean literally not as names but as words. Giving characters names for namesake is a fine technique but giving them names that add additional layers of meaning to the song can be a truly effective technique. It gives the song an extra dimension of depth that may go unnoticed by the casual listeners but if someone really likes the song they will eventually discover it as a real treat.

The name victoria only works because it is combined with the pop culture reference to victoria's secret. In this sense, it does make particular conceptual sense in a song that incorporates wealth since the undergarments are quite expensive and luxurious...lol

Especially since victoria does believe that "riches will heal the pain of her youth." After all, All these things we are supposed to consume in this pop culture consumer society are pitched to us in ways that make us feel we "need" them for happiness and they are unattainable without wealth.

It also works because she knows something about Jame's true nature, a secret, that most other people don't know. Double meanings are an effective technique.

That said, this isn't really what I'm talking about when giving characters names with meaning and I'm getting side tracked.....(Though I suspect you did somewhat intend all of that.)

For example, I think of using names in terms like they are used in movies such as "Good Will Hunting" where the character's name is more than just a name. It says something additional about the character and his story. Perhaps, the name "Rich" might be a better name, as opposed to the biblical name james, for the male character in the context of this story......if not a bit too obvious. However, your song is pretty obvious already so I would just run with the idea of obvious. Obvious is not necessarily bad in anyway shape or form. Maybe even the name "Midas" as in king midas, who couldn't ever seem to aquire enough riches. There are so many names that could add layers of meaning on top of the meaning in the song if you set your imagination free within the constraints of the more cerebral part of your brain. These are just suggestions not necessarily for you to take, unless you want to, but to give you an example of a way of thinking.

However, to me, your song would be much more effective if the story was told less directly and you relied more on literary techniques and clever ways of embedding meaning to tell the story. Based on some of the very effective and descriptive terms you use throughout the song, you certainly have the talent to do develop in that manner. Giving characters names with meanings that correlate to the story line is just one of the ways you can accomplish this. For example, giving the character the name "Rich" might not be so obvious if the rest of the song was more vague. That, to me, if done well, could make it very effective.

That said, to me, the fact that you already have a obvious song here and you are still asking us if "we get the story line," tells me that you seem WAY too concerned about whether or not the story line works(it does); especially since you are not trying to write a pop song. You don't seem to have trouble conveying a story line. In fact, that seems to be your strength. So, I suggest concentrating on your weakness...perhaps starting by giving yourself a little more artistic license and not feeling so obligated to convey stories directly...Like I said you are good with language and this side of your song writing is begging to be developed(maybe you already have developed in other songs?)....but then again, that's all up to you and the directions you want to go.

However, I wouldn't necessarily change this song around all too much as it seems done to me and I would just keep all this in mind when writing songs in the future.

BTW, good title. I like the alliteration. But in the chorus, I wonder if you really need to include "masquerade" with the words "hide," "behind" and "disguise" in the same line - All of which are kind of synonymous. We get it!!!! Of course, that might be the only way it works with the music for you but I would at least consider dropping the words "behind" and "disguise" and just drawing out "hide" if that works in the song. "he/she h ....i....d...e...s in the masquerade mansion." Or even using the word "lives" in place of "hide" could work, leaving the job all to masquerade. It is really already implicitly assumed that someone is hiding and in disquise when behind a mask and you already have all that meaning right there in that very descriptive and effective term masquerade. This would be one example of a place you could start toning down the overly obvious factor without really loosing any of the story. Of course, if you feel it ruins the hook than don't bite...and just keep it in mind for future songs. All and all you done well!

Of course, this is all just my eccentric opinion....and you can just click on the ignore feature if you don't want to hear this..lol....I only hope it helps you step outside yourself a bit or allows you to see things a bit differently...I think that's the idea here right?

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

Thanks for the great feedback guys. You've given me some perspectives that I think I can work with to improve this lyric, in terms of storyline and condensing. As a result, I think I also know where I can adjust the music without losing anything.

Nave, I just want to pick up on a point you raised about the names of the protagonists. If I'm understanding you correctly, you're suggesting that "the name victoria only works because it is combined with the pop culture reference to victoria's secret. In this sense, it does make particular conceptual sense in a song that incorporates wealth since the undergarments are quite expensive and luxurious". You also mentioned that since the story is written with a direct/obvious approach, I should perhaps stick with James (as opposed to 'Rich' if the story was more vague), and although you probably noticed, I chose the name James for the same 'pop culture/wealth' reason by using the word 'bond' as I did, to mildly suggest "James Bond", thus the couplet...
"With Victoria’s secret
James shares a bond"

You also definitely picked up on a side of my writing that seems to elude me. That is I have difficulty writing in an obscure/vague way. It's just doesn't seem to be my style. In fact, to bring that approach into a few of my songs, I've collaborated with a particular lyricist in the past for that very reason, because of his skill in that regard. Having said this, I'm going to give this whole lyric much more thought and see if I can step outside of the box and take the song in that direction.

One last point if I may about the intro as mshilarious pointed out, "The premise in the intro is never returned to. I expected some sort of supernatural intervention, but didn't get it in the rest of the song. I actually expected something kind of creepy, like Vincent Price should voiceover the intro, but later their love is "heaven-sent"." This comment makes me wonder if the spoken intro is necessary at all, or at least re-worked. I wrote it last, a little while after the rest of the lyric was complete, as a way to try and explain how the protagonists were so quick to be able to see beyond the 'mask' to recognize the "truth" and "kindred spirits" about each other. Wuddya think???

Thanks again guys. I'm sure one way or another I'll be able to make improvements resulting in a much better song overall.

Cheeky

 

[mshilarious]

This comment makes me wonder if the spoken intro is necessary at all, or at least re-worked. I wrote it last, a little while after the rest of the lyric was complete, as a way to try and explain how the protagonists were so quick to be able to see beyond the 'mask' to recognize the "truth" and "kindred spirits" about each other. Wuddya think???

I think you could go either way--drop it, or flesh it out in the song. I too felt that the lyrics weren't concise, but you said you wanted a long-form song, and in that format, I think you have space to explore that theme.

I missed the VS/JB reference the first time . . . what can I say, your name is Cheeky Monkey . . .